Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10 Ideas That Will Help You Avoid Being Attacked by the Reanimated Corpse of a Recently Deceased Loved One (And how to survive if you are!)

1. In that it is good advice to never go to bed angry with a loved one, never let anyone you love die when they are still holding a grudge against you. No good can ever come if someone you love passes away angry at you.

2. Place defensive charms and spells all about your body that repeal the undead.

3. Place defensive charms and spells all about your loved one's body that repeals the undead. A particularly good time to do this is before they are buried: stuff their casket with as much garlic, silver, and crucifixes as it will hold.

4. Always carry a sharp scythe or an ax with you at all times to easily decapitate the reanimated corpse to stop its attack.

5. If possible, insist that everyone you know be cremated when they pass away. If cremation is not in accord with their religious beliefs, simply insist that the undertaker remove their arms, legs and head before burial.

6. Surround your home with a moat of flaming liquid lava. Although not the most pleasing choice in landscaping, the practicality of it will overcome the esthetic deficiencies.

7. Ask all of your family and friends to try to avoid being reanimated as vengeful zombies after they pass away. Encourage them to avoid any dealings voodoo witch doctors and evil scientists.

8. Create a safe room hidden somewhere in your house that is impervious to attack and wait out the attack. Stock it with enough food, fresh water and supplies to last you the amount of time it takes for a human body to decompose in your particular climate. (You will need more supplies in the cold north where bodies do not decompose as quickly, fewer supplies in the humid areas of the south for example.) Do not give your secure codes out to your loved ones, as they might remember those codes when they are reanimated and attack you.

9. Where ever you go, plan an escape route that will lead you to safety in the event you are attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones. Plan for this event every time you go somewhere new, such as hotels, cemeteries, and the laboratories hidden in basements of haunted castles.

10. Try to be nice. Nice people are rarely attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones.

Monday, October 11, 2010

10 Effective Ways to Fight Insomnia

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë

1. Don’t waste your time counting sheep. They are loud and smelly and move surprisingly fast. Instead count something less exciting, such as Supreme Court Justices or list the different genera of Bacteria.

2. Watch someone who is sleeping. Perhaps the reason you can’t sleep is you don’t know how to sleep. If this is the case, then observation the way to learn. In the wee hours of night, sneak into the home and quietly slip into the bedroom of someone who is sleeping and watch them sleep from the foot of their bed. Closely observe how the breath and what position they are in. I find that I learn more about sleeping from watching total strangers sleeping than I do from those that I know while they are sleeping, though observing a neighbor or a co-worker might prove equally beneficial.

3. Make yourself a huge turkey dinner and eat it. Everyone knows that the L-tryptophan in this juicy fowl makes you sleepy, so take advantage of mother’s nature’s avian sleeping pill! When you next find yourself unable to sleep at one o’clock in the morning, cook yourself up a 25 pound butterball in the oven at 350 degrees until the skin is crisp and the white meat moist and tender. Add stuffing, then mix up some gravy and mash potatoes for good measure. Eat as much as you can, then eat a little more. By the time you are finished I am sure the L-tryptophan will kick in and you start to feel tired and sleepy!

4. Surround yourself with folks who sleep hour after hour each day: break into a nursing home. These places are always warm and quiet, and filled with sleeping people. Take advantage of the perfect sleeping environment provided by a nursing home, and find an empty bed and sleep right there.

5. Have sex. The best way to fall asleep is to find someone willing to bring you to an orgasm. Sex releases a cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide, and the hormone prolactin, all of which have various relaxing effects on your brain and body. As soon as copulation is over, turn over on your side for what is guaranteed a great night of sleep! If you cannot find someone willing to have sex with you when you are suffering from insomnia, it might be worth every dollar to pay someone to have sex with you. If paying for sex is not possible or impractical, take matters into your own hands for a great night of sleep!

6. Drink warm milk. This is mother’s recipe for a great night sleep! For best results, mix the warm milk with several sleeping pills or muscle relaxers.

7. Visit a place that makes you sleepy. Even if it’s the middle of the night, find a place that normally makes you drowsy, such as your cubicle at work or the pew you sit in at church. If you start to feel sleep settle in, take advantage and sleep where ever you find yourself!

8. Worship a God of Sleep. Hypnos, Morpheus, and Somnus are just a few ancient gods who govern the universe’s sleep. The next time you find yourself tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep, convert to any one of their religions, build a stone altar in an empty field, sacrifice a live bull or a young goat, smear yourself with that animal’s blood and set the meat offering on fire. Once the smell of the roasting meat reaches their divine noses (and if they are pleased with your offering) I am sure sleep is on its way!

9. Take a big bite out of a poisoned red apple that a total stranger who happens to look like a witch hands you. The best part of using this method is that you will be brought back to wakefulness by a kiss on the lips from Prince Charming!

10. Call your most boring and dull friend and have them tell you a story. We all have that dull and boring friend who tells us tedious stories about the least interesting minutia of their drab life. Obviously if that friend is willing to tell you a dull story during the day that will put you to sleep, then they should be willing to tell you the same storey again in the middle of the night. If not, then they were never your friend in the first place.

Sweet Dreams!