Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dress For Success: 7 Ways To Improve Your Professional Wardrobe

Many professional women are guilty of not dressing to their full professional potential, and their lack of judgment can sometimes lead to being passed over for a job or promotion. Dressing for success means dressing for business! Read on for my 7 ways to improve your wardrobe which will help you move up that corporate ladder.

Show as much cleavage as possible. Studies show that most men like cleavage. If that is the case, then show them what you got! How high you want to climb the corporate ladder should determine how much low your neckline should plunge. Women who dress in sexy attire in a professional environment are way more likely to be taken more seriously in any profession and promoted. Bottom line: If you want to get ahead, ditch the high-cut sensible top.

Wear a super short mini skirt. Wearing a micro-mini sends the message that you are a hard working business professional. The knee is a visual anchor. People's attention will be drawn downward when they approach you, instead of toward your face, which puts you in a position of power and authority. To move quickly up into a promotion, consider putting on a skirt that you can barely sit down in!

Put on those see-through clothes. Summer materials such as organza and liquid jersey look and feel cool and pretty, and in the light of a staff meeting, they can reveal the outlines of your legs — and much, much more! Use the curvy silhouette of your body to rocket your career right through that glass ceiling.

Three words: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize. A rule of thumb when it comes to accessories in the workplace: MORE is more. If you cannot afford to load yourself up with the real rocks, costume jewelry, when worn in bulk, looks great and elegant at the office. A boardroom-ready look includes one show stopper lots and lots of accessories. That means if you're going to put on a chunky beaded necklace, just add huge earrings, a large broach, a big belt buckle, and loads of arm candy.

Bring the beach into the office. Sundresses, spaghetti straps, flip-flops: nothing makes you look more like a hard working professional than coming to the office like you're dressed for the beach. Truth be told, these summer staples are sure to be a hit at the office. When you feel like you are on vacation at work, your productivity is sure to increase. This will lead you to business success and a certain raise!

Express Your Cultural Heritage. Whether it is a full body burkas that only exposes your beautiful eyes, a brightly colored kente cloth mu-mu, fashionable lederhosen, or a revealing silk kimono, don’t be afraid wear your heritage and watch your career take off! No matter what culture you are from, dress for success with the traditional clothes of your ancestors. This will prove to your boss that although you are forward thinking, you are firmly rooted in your cultural history, and this will certainly help you jockey into position for the next promotion!

Casual Friday means Casual Friday. On those days when the dress code is relaxed, show the boss you know how to take direction! Wear your pajamas to work, or consider sporting your favorite leotard. And if you can combine several of the other tips into your casual attire such as a low cut, see through miniskirt; be ready to move into that corner office!

Monday, July 27, 2009

Calvin’s Things to Avoid: Being a Cocky Torturer:

Let me introduce you to Perillos of Athens, the local metal smith of Agrigentum. He submitted his invention for a new means for executing criminals to Phalaris, the ruler of the small city state in ancient Sicily in which they both lived. His idea, aptly named The Brass Bull, was to cast a bovine statue made entirely of brass, hollow, with a small locking hatch in the side. The condemned were shut in the bull and a fire was set under it, heating the metal until it became yellow hot and causing the person inside to slowly roast to death.

Phalaris liked the idea, but even came up with his own ideas on how to improve on the design. He commanded that the bull be devised in such a way that the smoke emanating from the victims blew out of the bull’s nostrils. Not to be outdone in the idea department, Perillos created the head of the ox to include a complex system of tubes and hallows so that the prisoner's screams were converted into sounds like the bellowing of an infuriated ox that echoed out of the mouth of this brass beast.

Phalaris was thrilled when the Brass Bull was completed and could hardly contain his enthusiasm. The tyrant of Agrigentum ordered its horn sound system to be tested by Perillos himself. When Perillos entered, he was immediately locked in, and the fire was set, so that Phalaris could hear the sound of his screams.

Before Perillos could die, Phalaris opened the door and took him away. Perillos believed he would receive a reward for his invention; instead, after freeing him from the bull, Phalaris threw him from the top of a cliff, dashing him on the rocks and killing him.

In the spirit of equal parts Poetic Justice/Greek Tragedy/Gothic Horror: Phalaris himself is said to have been killed in the brazen bull when he himself was later overthrown by Telemachus.

The Brass Bull enjoyed being used as a torture device for many centuries, right through to the middle ages.

It is also said that when the bull was reopened, the victims' scorched and bones shone like jewels and weere sometimes used to make bracelets! That is the type of "when life hands you lemons, make lemonaide" attitude I can appreciate!

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

13 Unlucky Pet Names You Should Avoid

I know you really, really want to express your affection to your lover and show how clever you are at the same time. However, lovey-dovey language can be so corny it makes you want to heave chunks. But researchers have found that it might actually serve a purpose: Pet names pave the way to a playful, durable, and satisfying relationship. One study on couples' pet names published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships reported that the more goofy names, made-up terms, and covert requests for nooky a couple used, the higher their relationship satisfaction tended to be. So, if you want to make it to your 50th anniversary, I suggest that you create awesome pet names for one another and do not use any of the following terms of endearment:

"Fartsy" – Even if you both are comfortable enough to do this in front of one another, and for that I applaud you, flatulence is probably not the romantic ideal for a pet name.

"Second Choice" – We all treasure in the deepest, most secret place in our heart “the one who got away”, but perhaps a pet name that does not reflect life’s lost loves is in order here.

"My Little Howler Monkey"- Unless your mate is very hairy and has a thing for bananas, this pet name is one to avoid.

"Moro" (Short for moron) – I question the romantic notion of critiquing your mate’s intelligence in the pet name that you choose for them. This cutesy name is definitely one to rethink.

"Pumpkin", "Kumquat", "My Little Zucchini" (or any other unflattering fruit or vegetable shape) – Who needs to be compared to unsexy vegetables?

Any other name besides yours- Awkward! A pet name definitely to be avoided at all cost if you want to see your next anniversary together, much less number 50.

"Pudge" - Even though we should embrace how we are and be proud of our bodies, who needs to be reminded that they could stand to loose a few pounds?

"Baby Momma or Baby Daddy" – And though this may be true, perhaps something more romantic than a term that reflects your mates sperm or ova donation is in order here.

"Floppytrunk" – Honestly, at the end of the day, who truly doesn’t love a floppytrunk? Although this is almost universally true, perhaps something slightly more flattering would be a better choice of pet names.

"Paycheck" – It has always been my motto not to bite the hand that feeds me, and this pet name gnaws the hand that feeds you right up to the metaphorical elbow. It has been my experience that “sugar daddies” and “sugar mommies” want to live in the fantasy of being loved for who they are, and not what they have. You owe it to them to leave them in this dream world with some other pet name.

"Thunderchunky" – This sounds more like a flavor of ice cream than a pet name. Let’s shelve this term of endearment forever.

"Fido" – That’s just mean.

"Slutty Buddy" – You may want to make sure that the notion that you are both just friends with benefits is correctly understood, I would avoid using this as a pet name for your lover. Just remember, the pet name you choose for your lover is also a reflection on you!

Monday, July 20, 2009

How to Cool Down on a Hot Summer Day

Calvin’s Suggested Places to Cool Down This Summer

Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska: The lowest temperature ever recorded in the United States was minus 80 °F on January 23, 1971 at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska.

Snag, Yukon, Canada: The record low for North America was minus 81.4 °F that the town of Snag in the Yukon dropped to on February 3, 1947.

Base Vostok, Antarctica: The lowest temperature ever recorded on earth was minus 129F recorded in 1983 at the Russian Base Vostok in Antarctica

The Moon: On the moon, the temperature plunges to a minus 378 Fahrenheit.

Eris: The most distant named object that we know of in the Solar System is Eris – a trans-Neptunian object slightly larger than Pluto. The surface temperature is approximately minus 400 °F. Even though we gave Pluto the cold shoulder and took away it’s “planet status”, Pluto is still a little warmer, as it is closer to the sun and may have a thin insulating atmosphere.

Where's the coldest spot in the universe? It is not even in deepest outer space, which has an estimated background temperature of about minus 455°F. As far as scientists can tell, the lowest temperatures ever attained were recently observed right here on earth.

The coldest place in the Universe: A lab somewhere in the United States. The record-breaking lows were among the latest feats of ultra cold physics, the laboratory study of matter at temperatures so mind-bogglingly frigid that atoms and even light itself behave in highly unusual ways. Electrical resistance in some elements disappears below about minus 440°F, a phenomenon called superconductivity. At even lower temperatures, some liquefied gases become "super fluids" capable of oozing through walls solid enough to hold any other sort of liquid; they even seem to defy gravity as they creep up, over and out of their containers.

Physicists acknowledge they may never be able reach the coldest conceivable temperature, known as absolute zero and long ago calculated to be minus 459.67°F. Temperature is a measure of how fast atoms are moving, a reflection of their energy--and absolute zero is the point at which the motion of the atoms completely stops, and therefore there is absolutely no heat energy remaining to be extracted from a substance.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

10 Fun Summer Things That Will Make You Sexier Than You Already Are

It’s summer! Are you tired of looking not sexy? Or are you sexy, but want to be even sexier? Everyone goes through phases of not feeling sexy enough. If you're ready to revamp your look this summer and turn heads, keep reading. No matter what your body shape, you can become sexier just by doing some of the fun summer things you would probably already do. Just remember to do them sexier!

Wear a Man-kini: You work hard for that body, so show the world what God blessed you with! Ok, so you have not hit the gym in a few weeks – but who cares? You have a natural physique that others will certainly admire at the beach. Well, maybe you don’t work out and you still opted for the second helping of apple strudel ala mode after a delicious Taco Bell dinner…again. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with less fabric constricting your junk as it hangs out at the beach? Go ahead, you’re sexy dammit. Wear that man-kini with a fierce confidence usually reserved for those much younger and sexier than you. Then feel free to hit on anyone you deem worthy of your attention, they will be powerless in the presence of your man-kini.

Create Pubic Topiary or a Pubic Savage Garden: Either way, groom your business in a way that will make it memorable! Toss caution to the wind and let your rug clash with your curtains. Tease it up into a big hedge, shave your lover’s name in there, or leave just enough unshaved to give yourself what I like to call “The Hitler”. Just remember what they always say, “Well behaved pubes rarely make history”.

Don’t Wear Any Underwear: This is always sexy. It’s not totally hygienic, but really sexy things rarely are. Take it from one who knows.

Order Drinks With the Word “Sex” in Them: such as “Screaming Orgasms,” “Sex on the Beach” “Watermelon Blow Jobs,” etc, etc. Just ordering these drinks will make you seem sexier to anyone within ear shot of you. This comes in handy if you are trying to hook up with the bartender.

Sling on a Tight Tube Top: You work hard for that body, so show the world what God blessed you with! Ok, so you have not hit the gym in a few weeks – but who cares? You have a natural physique that others will certainly admire at the beach. Well, maybe you don’t work out and you still opted for the second helping of apple strudel ala mode after a delicious Taco Bell dinner…again. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable with less fabric constricting your junk as it hangs out at the beach? Go ahead, you’re sexy dammit. Wear that tube top with a fierce confidence usually reserved for those much younger and sexier than you. Oh, wait, did I say this already?

Squeeze into a pair of Tight Tight Tight Jeans: Nothing says sexy then a pair of jeans stretched taught over your sexy ass and thighs. Its not tight enough until you have to paint them on. Make sure that your moose knuckles are showing! Trust me, that will drive everyone around you wild with passion and desire for you.

Wear Stilettos all Summer Long: Walking around like you are about to tip over at anytime is really, really sexy. Wear them all the time, everywhere you go. They look sexy at sporting events and back yard BBQ’s, at the beach, or on camping trips.

Wear Lots and Lots of Luscious Lip liner: My rule of thumb is, until I notice that you have lip lined your mouth, you haven’t used enough. Only when it looks like you just had a dog turd in your mouth does it truly start looking really, really sexy.

Start Smoking: As a former smoker, I can’t think of anything sexier then wheezing, strained breathing, carcinogenic chemicals, yellow teeth and bad breath. May I bum a cigarette? I have the sudden urge to look really, really sexy myself.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Not Shaking Out Your Shoe Before You Put it On

Let me introduce you to The Brazilian Wandering Spider. (Phoneutria fera) This little fellow is coincidently both the most aggressive and the most venomous spider found on earth. The Brazilian Wandering spider is so-called because it wanders the jungle floor hunting for prey like a cat or a wolf, rather than residing in a lair or maintaining a web. This little beast can grow to have a leg span of up to 4 - 5 inches. (This is about the size of your hand.)

This hunting behavior is the reason it is considered so dangerous. When it ambles into populated areas, this nocturnal predator will usually search for cover in dark places to hide during daytime, leading it to hide under beds, within the folds of clothes, in shoes and boots, in empty boxes and wood piles. These are also places people tend to put their hands and feet without looking. The Brazilian Wandering Spider tends to frown on this.

When threatened, the Brazilian Wandering Spider delivers more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital. Its venom, (which is reported to have one of the most excruciatingly painful venoms of all spiders due to its high concentration of serotonin) in a bizarre side effect stimulates an hours-long erection in men.

So, if you are bitten by this arachnid, not only will it result in and extremely painful and potentially life threatening welt, you will go to the hospital with a, well… with a raging hard-on. Although it may be embarrassing to go to the hospital in this condition, males bitten by this spider should seek immediate emergency treatment as the venom is life threatening.

Needless to say, scientists are fast at work developing drugs to treat erectile dysfunction using the chemistry of this spider’s venom.

Friday, July 10, 2009

How to Tell If A Guy Likes You in 5 Easy Ways

Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain if the attraction you feel for someone is reciprocated. I have formulated 5 easy techniques for you determine if a guy likes you.

Notice his eye contact. Men react to eye contact in different ways if they are fond of you. If he likes you, he may either look away quickly if he is shy, or he'll try to catch your eye and hold it if he is more confident. It’s a fact that when a guy likes you his pupils will dilate when you speak to him. This is difficult to pick up on, so I recommend getting as close as possible to his face and watch his pupils when you talk to him to make sure you can see if they dilate.

Examine his subtle body language. If a man is attracted to you, you may be able to pick up on the restrained body language that says “I like you”. If he thrusts his hips at you when you walk by, or if he licks his lips and then grabs his crotch when he looks at you, it might mean he likes you.

Listen to what he's saying. Really listen to what he is saying to try to determine the true meaning of his words. If he is fond of you, and he will probably say something like “I like you.”, or “You have enormous boobs.” or “You look like a hooker.” Learn to read between the lines of what he is saying as he might just be hinting that he is attracted to you.

Be aware of touching. He might light put his hand on your arm when he laughs, or he might not move his leg if it happens to touch yours. He may hug you for small things. He might hug you for no reason at all. He might even hug you for long extended periods of times at awkward or inappropriate times. He may even “accidentally” touch your breast or “accidentally” unhook your bra. These are all very subtle ways a guy is trying to tell you he likes you.

Check for signs of nervousness. Anxious extended periods of laughter, sweaty palms, deep breaths, eye twitching, and total loss of bladder control are all good signs of an attraction towards you and that he is nervous about making an impression on someone he fancies.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

10 Household Items That Will Be Totally Useless after 2012

It has been predicted that the civilization will collapse on December 21, 2012 by Mayan Astronomers, Chinese Mystics, and Nostradamus. In preparation, I have been inventorying my personal belongings in an attempt to determine which ones will be the most helpful in my quest for survival after this impending catastrophe.

I am gauging my favorite household items for those that will work as versatile gadgets, weapons, or farming tools that will ensure my survival when the world ends. They also need to be lightweight, because I don’t want to be carrying a lot around at the end of the world.

Although I have not settled on the best items I will need to survive, I have determined 10 of my favorite household items to be totally useless in my quest to survive this inevitable destruction of planet Earth.

1. My Corn on the Cob Holders: Though they are wildly effective in protecting my fingers from the steaming hot ends of the cob of sweet corn that I am holding while I sink my teeth into the buttery deliciousness of those golden kernels, they will serve little purpose at the end of time.

2. My Ironing Board: I do not plan on greeting the collapse of civilization finely pressed, so this household item will not be useful for any reason except perhaps pinching my fingers when I close it as I always seem to do when I fold it down to store it in the laundry room. The metal is so flimsy it would not even be worth trading it for scrap to the local tin smith for food much less as using it as a weird sort of weapon or shield.

3. My Coffee Bean Grinder: I love my coffee bean grinder. Its happy hum signals a satisfying near future filled with a mug of hot java. However, at the end of time, I doubt we will still have electricity much less an endless supply of coffee beans, so I will have to survive the collapse of civilization with a caffeine deprivation headache.

4. My Emory Boards: My nails will not be well manicured as I scratch out my survival among the ruins of burned out cities and the charred and barren landscape.

5. My Thigh Master: This device was crucial to the development of my toned and firm thighs, however, I cannot think of one way I could use the Thigh Master as a weapon or a tool to survive.

6. My Cocktail Shaker: I love my cocktail shaker. I really, really do. Alas, the finely shaken martini will be a thing of the past after the apocalypse is upon us. Although my cocktail shaker is finely crafted from brushed nickel with highly polished round accents, it would serve little use for anything other than the portage of water, for which there are other household items that would be better suited for this purpose. Alas, I will need to go on without you my cocktail shaker, my good and dear friend.

7. My Swifter. Nothing else in the world picks up dust as neatly and effectively as the Swifter. My floors as well as all my wood and glass surfaces genuinely gleam with the static cling effectiveness of the Swifter. However, as wonderful as my Swifter is, dusting will be last on my impending bucket list. As a weapon or a gardening tool, it is too flimsy to be of much help in that department. The Swifter will be left behind.

8. Colander: I have no idea what else people use a colander for that to drain the water from boiled pasta. So, unless the apocalypse is caused by Italians, this item will not likely be useful in any way to my quest for survival.

9. My VCR Tape Rewinder: OK, so this is an item that is already totally irrelevant.

10. My Deviled Egg Holder: Mayonnaise and Eggs, two great tastes that taste great together. This is a devilishly good concept in culinary wizardry that deserves to have its own porcelain alter in which to serve these decadent treats. Unfortunately, the odds of my serving up deviled eggs after the collapse of civilization is slim, so the deviled egg holder will remain unpacked.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Not Wearing Enough Insect Repellent

Let me introduce you to the Filarial Worm (Wuchereria bancrofti). These worms are tiny, round, thread-like parasites that travel from human to human via the mosquito, the buzzing, flitting insect angel of death and pestilence.
In a fascinating example of parasite ingenuity, filarial worm embryos living underneath the skin can sense the onset of nighttime, which is their cue to head upward to the skin's surface in order to increase their chances of being sucked up by a passing mosquito. When they get sucked up, they grow into larvae within the mosquito's body and then get themselves injected into new hosts.
While they feed, these greedy little worms then block the body's lymphatic system—a network of channels, lymph nodes, and glands that helps maintain proper fluid levels in the body by draining lymph from tissues into the bloodstream. This blockage causes fluids to collect in the tissues, which can lead to great swelling, called "lymphedema." Body parts, including your genitals, can swell so enormously that they resemble an elephant's foreleg in size, texture, and color. This is the severely disfiguring and disabling condition of elephantiasis, which according to the Pacific Program to Eliminate Lymphatic Filariasis, is the second-leading cause of permanent and long-term disability in the world. (Oh, by the way, “mental illness” is No. 1.)
Beware! Elephantiasis seems to be spreading! It is estimated that 120 million people in the world have lymphatic filariasis. And more and more cases are being reported every year. Pull out your bug spray, and apply generously.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

10 Facts You Probably Didn’t Know About the American Revolution

1. The United States of America was almost named “The United States of Roberta” after Amerigo Vespucci’s wife, Roberta Vespucci.

2. The very crafty Betsy Ross not only sewed the first American Flag, she also stenciled the Constitution and created a decoupage of the Bill of Rights.

3. There was very nearly 14 American Colonies, however, Nova Scotia combined with parts of Maine, Iceland and all of Northern Nebraska to form the county now known as Canada.

4. Sam Adam’s first brewery was destroyed by the British in the Battle of Guinness when General Stella Artois attacked and defeated General Killian Red with the aid of the Hessian Major General Heineken.

5. The Minute Men were aptly named because that is how long it took them to burp the alphabet.

6. It was not the Boston Tea Party that angered the British and sparked the American Revolution as much as it was the Philadelphia Coffee Rave.

7. Martha Washington single-handedly liberated the city of Worcester from Hessian occupation in August of 1778.

8. John Hancock was a total tool and nobody else who signed the Declaration of Independence liked him.

9. The British might have won the war had they not foolishly decided to invade Rhode Island in 1777 and were driven into the sea by the fierce, strong, brave, smart, handsome and awesome warriors ever to fight in a war who live in that amazing state.

10. When General Washington defeated Emperor Napoleon and Winston Churchill at the Battle of Gettysburg, they were forced to sign the Magna Carta which secured the Patient Bill of Rights for everyone in Pearl Harbor, emancipating the slaves.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

How to Survive Another Birthday: 13 Lucky & Fun Tips

Birthdays do not have to be a bad thing. Getting older can be fun! Here are some tips that can help you survive that dreaded day that we mark the gradual passing of mortality.

Hum (or whistle) the birthday song all day, over and over.

Send out a press release to all media outlets in order to inform them that there is a HUGE story unfolding today at your address. Then call 911 and make sure the fire department and police arrive at your doorstep at the same time. When they show up at your house, give them party hats and thank them for coming to your party!

Sign a contract with a company that will cytogenetically freeze your body at your death, preserving it until they can resuscitate you in the future.

Visit someone much older than you, such as someone in a nursing home, on your birthday. If you are already in a nursing home, then go visit a funeral home. (This should have the same effect for your situation.)

Wear a cape or a tiara on your birthday. If you are feeling really adventurous, wear both!

Ask total strangers what they got you for your birthday. If they respond in any way, hop up and down while shouting, “Ahhhhh, I’m not supposed to talk to people!”

Have a midlife crisis on your birthday, no matter what age you are! It is important that you do it right: have an affair, buy an expensive sports car, then quit your job and move to a beach somewhere in Belize.

Wear something that someone 29 years younger than you would wear. If you are 30, then yes, go ahead and wear diapers that day! You will be amazed at how young you feel!

Order the most expensive dish at your favorite restaurant. When the check comes tell them that it is your birthday and that is policy that you do not have to pay.

Make every single person you run into sing the Happy Birthday song to you.

Treat yourself to some completely elective plastic surgery.

Randomly Scream “I can’t believe it’s my birthday!!” at random moments throughout the day. (Be creative)

Call your local post-office or a bank and ask them if they are open, if they ask why tell them because it’s your birthday.