Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10 Ideas That Will Help You Avoid Being Attacked by the Reanimated Corpse of a Recently Deceased Loved One (And how to survive if you are!)

1. In that it is good advice to never go to bed angry with a loved one, never let anyone you love die when they are still holding a grudge against you. No good can ever come if someone you love passes away angry at you.

2. Place defensive charms and spells all about your body that repeal the undead.

3. Place defensive charms and spells all about your loved one's body that repeals the undead. A particularly good time to do this is before they are buried: stuff their casket with as much garlic, silver, and crucifixes as it will hold.

4. Always carry a sharp scythe or an ax with you at all times to easily decapitate the reanimated corpse to stop its attack.

5. If possible, insist that everyone you know be cremated when they pass away. If cremation is not in accord with their religious beliefs, simply insist that the undertaker remove their arms, legs and head before burial.

6. Surround your home with a moat of flaming liquid lava. Although not the most pleasing choice in landscaping, the practicality of it will overcome the esthetic deficiencies.

7. Ask all of your family and friends to try to avoid being reanimated as vengeful zombies after they pass away. Encourage them to avoid any dealings voodoo witch doctors and evil scientists.

8. Create a safe room hidden somewhere in your house that is impervious to attack and wait out the attack. Stock it with enough food, fresh water and supplies to last you the amount of time it takes for a human body to decompose in your particular climate. (You will need more supplies in the cold north where bodies do not decompose as quickly, fewer supplies in the humid areas of the south for example.) Do not give your secure codes out to your loved ones, as they might remember those codes when they are reanimated and attack you.

9. Where ever you go, plan an escape route that will lead you to safety in the event you are attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones. Plan for this event every time you go somewhere new, such as hotels, cemeteries, and the laboratories hidden in basements of haunted castles.

10. Try to be nice. Nice people are rarely attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones.

Monday, October 11, 2010

10 Effective Ways to Fight Insomnia

A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. ~Charlotte Brontë

1. Don’t waste your time counting sheep. They are loud and smelly and move surprisingly fast. Instead count something less exciting, such as Supreme Court Justices or list the different genera of Bacteria.

2. Watch someone who is sleeping. Perhaps the reason you can’t sleep is you don’t know how to sleep. If this is the case, then observation the way to learn. In the wee hours of night, sneak into the home and quietly slip into the bedroom of someone who is sleeping and watch them sleep from the foot of their bed. Closely observe how the breath and what position they are in. I find that I learn more about sleeping from watching total strangers sleeping than I do from those that I know while they are sleeping, though observing a neighbor or a co-worker might prove equally beneficial.

3. Make yourself a huge turkey dinner and eat it. Everyone knows that the L-tryptophan in this juicy fowl makes you sleepy, so take advantage of mother’s nature’s avian sleeping pill! When you next find yourself unable to sleep at one o’clock in the morning, cook yourself up a 25 pound butterball in the oven at 350 degrees until the skin is crisp and the white meat moist and tender. Add stuffing, then mix up some gravy and mash potatoes for good measure. Eat as much as you can, then eat a little more. By the time you are finished I am sure the L-tryptophan will kick in and you start to feel tired and sleepy!

4. Surround yourself with folks who sleep hour after hour each day: break into a nursing home. These places are always warm and quiet, and filled with sleeping people. Take advantage of the perfect sleeping environment provided by a nursing home, and find an empty bed and sleep right there.

5. Have sex. The best way to fall asleep is to find someone willing to bring you to an orgasm. Sex releases a cocktail of brain chemicals, including norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide, and the hormone prolactin, all of which have various relaxing effects on your brain and body. As soon as copulation is over, turn over on your side for what is guaranteed a great night of sleep! If you cannot find someone willing to have sex with you when you are suffering from insomnia, it might be worth every dollar to pay someone to have sex with you. If paying for sex is not possible or impractical, take matters into your own hands for a great night of sleep!

6. Drink warm milk. This is mother’s recipe for a great night sleep! For best results, mix the warm milk with several sleeping pills or muscle relaxers.

7. Visit a place that makes you sleepy. Even if it’s the middle of the night, find a place that normally makes you drowsy, such as your cubicle at work or the pew you sit in at church. If you start to feel sleep settle in, take advantage and sleep where ever you find yourself!

8. Worship a God of Sleep. Hypnos, Morpheus, and Somnus are just a few ancient gods who govern the universe’s sleep. The next time you find yourself tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep, convert to any one of their religions, build a stone altar in an empty field, sacrifice a live bull or a young goat, smear yourself with that animal’s blood and set the meat offering on fire. Once the smell of the roasting meat reaches their divine noses (and if they are pleased with your offering) I am sure sleep is on its way!

9. Take a big bite out of a poisoned red apple that a total stranger who happens to look like a witch hands you. The best part of using this method is that you will be brought back to wakefulness by a kiss on the lips from Prince Charming!

10. Call your most boring and dull friend and have them tell you a story. We all have that dull and boring friend who tells us tedious stories about the least interesting minutia of their drab life. Obviously if that friend is willing to tell you a dull story during the day that will put you to sleep, then they should be willing to tell you the same storey again in the middle of the night. If not, then they were never your friend in the first place.

Sweet Dreams!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

10 Way To Propose to Your Girl Friend

Make the proposal fun: For example, create a difficult scavenger hunt, with all the clues hidden in your ex-girl friend’s houses. Make her go from door to door to find that diamond ring!

Make the proposal dramatic: We all know that girls love drama! Pretend to break up with her, but only when you have convinced her that you are leaving her, surprise her by asking for her hand in marriage!

Make the proposal efficient: Tell her over the phone that you have a very important question to ask her, a question that you need to ask in person, a question that will change both your relationship with her and your lives together, but tell her you can only ask it after she has finished cleaning both your house, sharpened the blades on the lawnmower and picked up your dry-cleaning.

Make the proposal sexy: Hire a stripper and hide the engagement ring in her cleavage. This way you can both enjoy the performance!

Make the proposal into a test of her intelligence: One effective way to do this is to talk in backwards talk all day, and slip in a marriage proposal. If she can understand backwards talk, then she is the girl for you!

Make the proposal a way to cheer her up: Wait until the perfect opportunity, such as at a relative’s funeral.

Include her friends in the proposal: Buy a gift certificate to a jewelry store, and then tell to her pick out something nice the next time she is shopping with her girlfriends.

Make the proposal memorable: Hire an actor to pose as a carjacker, and pull off “the heist” while you and your girlfriend are stopped at a red light. When the actor begins to “beat” you, have him “discover” your engagement ring…and VOILA! Not only will you be engaged, you will all share in a good laugh once she realizes that neither of your lives were ever in danger.

Make the proposal creative: I recommend that you construct a “metal detector” out of some cardboard boxes, and stencil the words “BLING DETECTOR” on it. Then make her walk under it with you. Make a big alarm sound, then pull your ring out and propose to her.

Make sure the proposal is done right: Have your mom do it for you

Thursday, October 29, 2009

100 Guidelines for Conquering the World

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.

However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.

Therefore, I have created these guidelines for conquering the world:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh Powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main
Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Thanks to Paul at who wrote this – check out his awesome website!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

super wicked cool photos

I have to say, I have to file this under the "ugh! not only do I wish I had thought of doing something like this, I wish I had the talent to actually do it" file.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Calvin's Guide: How to survive a zombie attack!

'10 essentials' You should always carry that can save your life during the zombie apocalypse:
Whether you live the desert, plains, in a coastal city or a mountain town, being prepared for the zombie apocalypse is critical. Always being prepared means always carrying the "10 essentials."
Each of these vital life saving supplies will allow you to treat basic injuries, help you or an injured person signal for help or to kill zombies. Rescues is unlikely as civilization collapses, but if you have these 10 essentials you stand a better chance of being staying alive a little longer.
The 10 essentials include:
A flame thrower or bazooka – you will be glad you have one when hordes of zombie corpses press against your trying to eat your brains.
Compass -- A must for correct navigation and for providing rescuers with your location.
Flashlight or headlamp -- Going for help can mean a long hike in the dark. Don't forget spare bulbs and batteries.
Extra Survival food -- Though the human body can last for weeks with food, your body needs it for warmth and strength.
Extra clothing -- Remember, you can ALWAYS take off extra clothes. For survival, extra clothes can be used to cover an injured person to prevent shock, as well as for keeping warm.
Sunglasses --If you're eyes are injured, you're in trouble. Protect your eyes from sunburn, glare & snow burn.
First-aid supplies -- Carry a well-stocked 1st aid kit or survival kit that contains everything you'll need to stay alive & well. However if you are bitten and infected by the zombie virus, there is no first aid kit in existence that can help you.
Pocket knife -- Never go anywhere without a pocket knife, they are very versatile in time of need.
Matches -- Being able to start a fire can be the difference between life and death. Be sure to keep them in a waterproof container.
Machete -- A survival situation is not the time to play boy scout. Its time to cut off the heads of as many zombies as possible, including when your friends are bitten and become a zombie themselves.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Cards You May or May Not Want to Send:

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

(Thanks to Amy Oops! at