100 Guidelines for Conquering the World

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.

However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.

Therefore, I have created these guidelines for conquering the world:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh Powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main
Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Thanks to Paul at CIFI.com who wrote this – check out his awesome website!!

super wicked cool photos

I have to say, I have to file this under the "ugh! not only do I wish I had thought of doing something like this, I wish I had the talent to actually do it" file.

Calvin's Guide: How to survive a zombie attack!

'10 essentials' You should always carry that can save your life during the zombie apocalypse:
Whether you live the desert, plains, in a coastal city or a mountain town, being prepared for the zombie apocalypse is critical. Always being prepared means always carrying the "10 essentials."
Each of these vital life saving supplies will allow you to treat basic injuries, help you or an injured person signal for help or to kill zombies. Rescues is unlikely as civilization collapses, but if you have these 10 essentials you stand a better chance of being staying alive a little longer.
The 10 essentials include:
A flame thrower or bazooka – you will be glad you have one when hordes of zombie corpses press against your trying to eat your brains.
Compass -- A must for correct navigation and for providing rescuers with your location.
Flashlight or headlamp -- Going for help can mean a long hike in the dark. Don't forget spare bulbs and batteries.
Extra Survival food -- Though the human body can last for weeks with food, your body needs it for warmth and strength.
Extra clothing -- Remember, you can ALWAYS take off extra clothes. For survival, extra clothes can be used to cover an injured person to prevent shock, as well as for keeping warm.
Sunglasses --If you're eyes are injured, you're in trouble. Protect your eyes from sunburn, glare & snow burn.
First-aid supplies -- Carry a well-stocked 1st aid kit or survival kit that contains everything you'll need to stay alive & well. However if you are bitten and infected by the zombie virus, there is no first aid kit in existence that can help you.
Pocket knife -- Never go anywhere without a pocket knife, they are very versatile in time of need.
Matches -- Being able to start a fire can be the difference between life and death. Be sure to keep them in a waterproof container.
Machete -- A survival situation is not the time to play boy scout. Its time to cut off the heads of as many zombies as possible, including when your friends are bitten and become a zombie themselves.

Cards You May or May Not Want to Send:

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in
Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

(Thanks to Amy Oops! at www.amyoops.com

20 Fun Ways To Burn More Calories

One exasperating thing about trying to lose weight is the snail's pace at which the pounds seem to drop. I've come up with 20 easy ways to boost your metabolism by adding fun activities to your day to day life. Just do these easy and fun activities every day, and it should be more than enough to shift your weight loss out of neutral and move it full speed ahead again.

1. Have more rigorous sex. This burns 300 hundred calories each time!

2. Run with the Bulls in Pamplona, dressed in a billowy red dress and cape.

3. Play “taser tag” with the police.

4. Do the Appalachian trail, on a pogo stick

5. Smile. This burns .08 calories!

6. Buy a “Flintstones” style car, where you push it by running your feet through the floor.

7. Play “Frogger” at the Indianapolis 500. Make it more fun by dressing like a frog!

8. Start your own Rick Shaw service. Lose weight and make money!

9. Play full contact lawn darts with your neighbor’s kids.

10. Host a dance-a-thon in your own back yard. Try to out dance everyone in your neighborhood.

11. Clean your house. Clean your friend’s houses. Keep cleaning. Cleaning can burn as many calories are rigorous sex! For more fun, have rigorous sex while cleaning your house, and your friend’s house.

12. Train for the Iditarod, as one of the dogs!

13. Try to break the hula hoop world’s record.

14. Join the Marines, and go to boot camp.

15. Ski more, but don’t take the lift back up the mountain, jog up the mountain!

16. Swim the English Channel. Backwards.

17. Power all your home utilities with your exercise bike.

18. Captain a double Dutch squad.

19. Take a tap-dance course, and then instead of walking, tap-dance wherever you go.

20. Do your Kegel Exercises. It burns as many calories as smiling!

10 Clever Ways to Announce Your Pregnancy

Congratulations! The doctor just confirmed your suspicions: you’re pregnant! Finding out you're pregnant is a very exciting time for women, so it only makes sense that you want to share the news with your family and friends as soon as possible. Here are 10 extraordinarily fun ways to announce that your bundle of joy is on the way:

1. Send out letters to all your family and friends and sign it from “the fetus.” Getting a handwritten letter is a wonderfully antiquated way of communication that some people still enjoy. For best results, find a really small piece of paper, and a crayon in order to craft a letter like it’s actually written from the fetus you are carrying. Because your baby still has an underdeveloped brain, hands and fingers, make sure the writing is sloppy and lots of word are misspelled to make it really realistic looking.

2. Start pushing an empty baby carriage around wherever you go. From the moment you find out your pregnant, start pushing around this carriage. Rig it up so that when people look inside a Jack in the Box springs up holding a sign that says “Coming soon, a new baby!” to startle them.

3. Invite everyone over for your “Pregnancy Shower”. Although certainly some people will complain that throwing a party for oneself is tacky, ignore them! This is a great way to let everyone know you’re pregnant and a great way to get some free gifts at the same time.

4. Rent a theater one evening, hire actors to dress as sperm and ova, and have them reenact the moment of conception for your family and friends through mime. Everyone loves live theater! You might also want to consider selling tickets to this event, and charging for concessions in order to cover your costs and make some extra money.

5. Make cookies in the shape of embryos and hand them out to your family and friends. The way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Back for those you love some fetus shaped cookies. This way, you not only inform everyone you know that you are pregnant through the gift of food, but you can also take care of your cravings for sweets at the same time.

6. Send full, unopened tampon box to your friends and family with a note attached that says “I guess I won’t need these for a while!” Most people enjoy a good riddle. This should keep people guessing why you are sending them female hygiene products through the mail. Once they make the connection, however, they are not likely to forget the big news!

7. Send everyone you know a copy of your paternity test and a copy of the child support letter your lawyer just sent to the father of the baby. Your family and friends will certainly get a chuckle from this creative way of letting them know you got pregnant with that looser you just broke up with.

8. Create a “Uterus Piñata”, and fill it with baby themed candy. Remember how fun smacking a piñata with a stick was when you were a child? Recreate some special memories with a piñata that looks like a uterus. When they open it up with the whacks from the stick, make sure Sugar Babies, Jr. Mints, Baby Ruth’s and Runts fall out.

9. Have a movie night and only play baby themed movies, such as “Knocked Up”, “Look Who’s Talking” and “Nine Months”. Movie nights can be a blast, but this movie night will live on in everyone’s memory as the best! Make sure you serve a lot of great cocktails and buy everyone a pack of cigarettes. Prenatal care can start tomorrow, tonight we party!

10. Start wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m Pregnant.” until everyone you know sees you wearing it. Ok, so this one is not particularly creative or clever. However, it gets the job done.

5 Easy & Quick Ways to Flatten Your Tummy

You look at it every day and wish it would just go away. But it doesn’t. That little pouch surrounding your belly button that keeps staring back, laughing and mocking you and all your pathetic attempts to get rid of it. You starve yourself, you do crunches, you do sit ups… yet there it is just “flopping around.”
There are all sorts of cute names for it: snack pouch, spare tire, love handles; the list go on. All you know is that it is not cute and you want it gone. However, just doing exercises all day and dieting will not get rid of the excess fat that you have around your waistline.
The following are 5 easy and quick methods I have developed that will help you gain the toned, flat stomach that you have been craving.

1. Tattoo abs directly onto your stomach. Getting those washboard abs is nearly impossible, especially for those who like to eat cheese and drink beer as much as I do. However, did you know that it is possible to get exactly the same look from the tattoo parlor as it is from the gym? Forget those crunches and go ahead and enjoy your beer! Just find a talented tattoo artist to draw in the stomach of your dreams.

2. Wear Antebellum or Empire Period Dresses, each with a corset. Those women of the late 1700’s and early 1800’s knew exactly what they were doing. Even though they are looks currently NOT in style, the hourglass figure they will give you is ALWAYS in fashion. Unfortunately, this is not as flattering a look for most men.

3. Constantly suck in your gut. It is a great habit to get into: walking around straight and tall, sucking in your gut the entire time. If you suck in deep enough, you will totally fool everyone that you are fit as a fiddle! (Until you need to exhale, that is.)

4. Wear really wide pirate belts and cummerbunds with every outfit. Flatten your tummy by hiding your tummy! A really wide belt or cummerbund is a fun fashionable way to force the fat back inside the contours of your clothing. Don’t be afraid to always wear your belt or cummerbund in potentially awkward places such as at to the office, the beach or at the nudist colony. In fact, those are often the places it is most important to flatten your tummy.

5. Be seen only with the morbidly obese. Flatten your stomach by having much larger stomachs draw the attention away from yours. The fatter your friends, the more healthy and fit you will look like in contrast. So, go ahead, enjoy that donut! Just make sure your friends have two.

When it’s Too Late to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back.

No matter what they say, breaking up is not the hardest thing to do. Getting back together with your girlfriend after you broke up with her is actually the hardest thing to do. I encourage you to always follow your heart; however, sometimes you have to read the subtle hints that it is too late to rekindle the relationship. When the indications are that she has moved on, you have to realize that it is just too late:restarting the relationship at this point would be impossible. Here are five examples of when it is truly too late to get your ex-girlfriend back.

1. She seems really happy in her relationship with her new girlfriend.

2. After serving as a Navy W.A.V.E .in WWII, she went on to have a wonderful career, married and raised a terrific family, and is now living out her golden years with her husband of 60 years in a beautiful assisted living complex in Florida, taking water color classes and yoga on the beach.

3. She has requested not to have visitors at the Poughkeepsie Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where she was institutionalized after the trial that she was found guilty of trying to kill you at your family reunion shortly after the break-up.

4. She took her final vows as a Sister if Mercy and moved to Guinea-Bissau to serve the poor by founding a hospital for those suffering from leprosy and tuberculosis.

5. They day (which also happened to be her birthday) after you broke up with her (via a text message) to go on a date with the girl (who was also her best friend) who ended up dumping you (on your birthday), she won the largest payout in lottery history (312 million dollars).

6. She doesn’t come to pick you up the day you are released from prison.

7. She can’t seem to remember your name or that you even dated. When you remind her of the specifics, she nods knowingly, laughs and says “Oh! Now I remember you. Yeah, no thanks.”

8. She is happily recovering from her final gender reassignment surgery and has begun her new life as "Frank".

9. She died last week.

Five Questions You Should Ask Before You Pick Up That Hitchhiker:

Even though it is often thrilling, the decision to pick up a hitchhiker carries with it a certain amount of risk. Not every person may be willing to pick up a hitchhiker as it is essentially a personal decision, and one that may not be wise for some individuals to practice. After all, inviting a stranger into your car on a dark and rainy night on a deserted stretch of highway requires a level of trust that, in extreme circumstances, might be taken advantage of.

The following questions are for the drivers. If the time does come, though, and you want to have a little fun by picking up a complete stranger and offer them a ride, please consider asking the hitchhiker these 5 questions to ensure a safe ride for the both of you.

1. Are you alive? This might seem at first like a strange question, but all too often, we hear about a friend of friend who offered someone a ride, usually to a cemetery, only to have them disappear near a gravestone that is carved with the name that they gave you. Why? Because they were not alive, you gave a ride to a ghost to their final resting place. Don’t waste your time giving rides to lazy spirits. Ask your hitchhiker if they are alive before they get in the car. If they are dead, tell them to just shuttle back to the afterlife on their own dime.

2. Are you human? It is vitally important to know if your passenger is even of the same species that you are. Often, the lonely stretch of highway is the hunting ground for some dangerous predators looking for their next meal. If they are not human, avoid giving rides to giant insects, werewolves, or carnivorous aliens. My personal policy, though it may seem unnecessarily draconian, is to only give rides to members of my species.

3. Are you a serial murderer, or do you suffer from any violent pathological tendencies that make you dangerous to me in any way? This is an easy way to screen out the most dangerous hitchhikers on the road. The only drawback is occasionally you will run into a pathological liar, and it will be impossible to tell if they are being honest with you. In those cases I recommend that you carry a portable metal detector and try to screen out any weapons they might want to bring into the car, such as axes, ice hooks, and meat cleavers. If you find them, make sure they place them safely in the trunk.

4. Would you submit to a drug screening such as a urinalysis or a sweat test? Illegal drugs have no place in the world of the safe driver. In the passenger seat, drugs can even turn a gentle hitchhiker into a dangerous sexual pervert. I advise that you carry with you drug screening tests of some type and ask your hitchhiker to submit to the test. Although it takes days, make sure you wait for the results, even if it means that you sacrifice the spontaneity of picking up a hitchhiker.

5. What kind of music do you like? The most important question of them all: There is nothing worse than picking up a hitchhiker, only to find out you have vastly different tastes in music. The odds are that you will both end up fighting over the radio. Do yourself a favor and only pick up those hitchhikers who enjoy listening to your favorite CD’s and radio stations.

Just kill ‘em with kindness...

As a young boy, when I would complain about those that made me mad, my Gramma would always reply, “Calvin, just kill ‘em with kindness.” I never understood what she meant.

Now that I am older, I totally understand what she was trying to tell me with her simple, uncomplicated axiom. “Just kill “em with kindness” is a perfect strategy to deploy when dealing with your enemies. It is a subtle way of turning situations with your enemies to your advantage; it just begins with a kind gesture of some type.

It’s not as easy as it might seem. In order to help, I have come up with 5 creative ways in which you too can “Just kill ‘em with kindness”.

Hug your enemy. Make sure when you hug them that you squeeze tightly enough to snap their spine, puncture their lungs and suffocate them. For good measure, stab them in the back before you release your embrace.

Send your enemy flowers. Everyone loves receiving flowers, even those that you do not like! However, when you send them to your enemy make sure that an entire hive of crazed and angry killer bees is hidden somewhere in the bouquet.

Cook for your enemy a delicious gourmet meal. When you serve it to them, make sure it is laced generously with a deadly poison. I often garnish their food with broken glass, just for fun.

Give your enemy an expensive new car as a gift. Who doesn’t love the feel of a sleek new car beneath them as they dangerously race along precarious cliffs overlooking the ocean when it’s foggy and rainy with a chance of sleet? Just remember to cut the break lines before they take it on its first test run.

Leave an adorable baby puppy wrapped up in a blanket nestled in a basket at your enemy’s doorstep. What is cuter than a baby puppy? A baby puppy wrapped in a blanket nestled in a basket, that’s what! The sight of this sweet little puppy would make anyone feel better, unless you lace the baby puppy’s basket and sleeping basket with a highly contagious and fatal biological weapon such as anthrax or smallpox that is!

As you can see, killing your enemies with kindness does not need to be difficult in order to be effective. All you need is a kind heart and a little creativity. Good luck!

*Authors note. Please do not really do any of these, and then sue me. Thanks!

How to Tell if Your Newborn is the Spawn of Satan

1. You spawned with Satan, and then nine months later had a baby.

2. Your baby manages to break all of the 10 Commandments while still in the playpen.

3. The paternity test named Satan as the father (as you feared), rather than your second cousin Bobby (as you hoped).

4. Your newborn has a chilling birthmark in the shape of a pentagram, “666”, or Dora the Explorer somewhere on his little body.

5. While teething, your baby swears like a sailor using a deep, resonating adult voice.

6. Your child will only wear the black diapers with the words “Hell’s Littlest Angel” stitched in red on the butt.

7. Your baby gets a picture of the Devil with the words “I love my Daddy” tattooed on his arm.

8. Your infant prefers to watch movies such as “Saw IV” and “Halloween” over “Bob the Builder” and “The Bear in the Big Blue House.”

9. The baptism of your child goes terribly awry, with the screaming, writhing, and knocking over the Baptismal Fonts that occurs when pure evil comes in contact with Holy Water.

10. Your baby is born with cloven hooves, a tail and two cute little goat horns.

10 Signs that You are a Bad Driver

Sometimes it is difficult to have the objectivity to examine your skills as a driver. In order to help you, I have compiled 10 indications that you might not be as good behind the wheel of a car as you might think.

1. Virtually every passenger who rides with you says “Wow. You are a really bad driver.” If your passengers, after begging for their lives and pleading for you to stop the car, routinely fall out of your automobile, having soiled themselves and still weeping, stumble away to call their parents just to tell them they love them, this might be a good indication that you need to improve your driving skills.

2. You consider traffic laws as “neat suggestions” or “great goals you might try to aspire to”. Attitude is everything, and this attitude makes you a bad driver. This attitude also makes you seem weird and lazy. Time to bone up on your attitude and your driving skills!

3. Hal’s Auto Body & Repair sends you flowers and a bottle of expensive Champagne, and then enrolls you in “The Cookie of the Month Club” to thank you for your continued patronage. Generally, Auto Body Shops do not do this for their average customer. They tend to reserve this to someone who is paying for their kid’s college tuition and their next European vacation.

4. When the court orders you to re-take a Defensive Driving Class, you notice that you are in all the videos they show as the “what not to do” example. Though this might be tempting initially, this is really not something to be proud of. It is a clear sign that even the DMV thinks your driving skills suck. You might want to consider working really hard to become a better driver.

5. You are considered a menace, even on the streets of cities such as Rome, Mumbai, and Mogadishu. And some of the world’s worst drivers are in these places. If that is the case, you might want to consider improving your driving skills.

6. People continually run screaming and leaping out of your way as you drive down the sidewalk. This might really want to start paying attention to this sign of poor driving skills in particular, as it might indicate you are probably not as good of a driver as you might like to believe.

7. You are actively recruited to become a NYC taxi driver. This means that you are a bad driver.

8. You cannot get employed as a NYC taxi driver. This means you are a terrible driver of epic proportions. The kind of terrible driver that legends are made of. You will go down in history as the worst driver in the world.

9. The points against your license are higher than the combined total of your IQ, your credit score, and the number of times you secretly have watched reruns of “The Nanny” and really enjoyed it. I am aghast. I am not sure what I find more appalling, your bad driving record or that you watch… and enjoy… reruns of “The Nanny”. Perhaps this is a symptom of a far greater psychological problem.

10. You think that everyone else on the road is an idiot. This is the definitive sign that you are a bad driver. No, this is proof that you are a terrible driver. Dude, really? I mean, seriously…really?? Unless your name is Einstein or Steven Hawking, the odds that everyone else is stupid and you are the only one who is not is highly, highly improbable. The more likely case is that you’re the idiot! Clearly, you need to learn how to drive or get off the road, dumb ass.

15 Random Nuggets of my Wisdom:

“Wise men speak because they have something to say, Fools speak because they have to say something.”

Plato – 428 -348 BC

Calvin's Wisdom - not as good as Plato's - but still worthwhile...

1. Don’t toss an anvil straight up in the air.

2. Don’t use a porcupine as a pillow when you are camping. Don’t use a porcupine as a pillow when you are not camping. In fact, it is a good policy never to use a porcupine as a pillow.

3. Never, ever recycle toilet paper by using both sides.

4. Don't eat gravel.

5. Don't take naps on the train tracks. That's just really uncomfortable and you could really mess up your back.

6. Don't stoke the fireplace fire with your toes.

7. Walk around lava flows, not through them.

8. Never put in your mouth the stuff you find between your toes.

9. Don't bathe in a tub full of slithering mounds of venomous snakes.

10. Don't iron clothes while wearing them. They never look as good as when you take off all your clothes at the dry cleaners and have them press them while you wait.

11. Don't wash your kitchen floors with molasses.

12. Don't kick a cactus with your bare foot. Put on a glove and slap it instead.

13. If someone shouts "Heads up!" I have learned that they usually do not want you to raise your head up. What they mean is "Quick cover your head with your arms and then duck!", but that just takes to long to say and you are usually struck by the object they they are trying to warn you about by the timet they shout that out.

14. Don’t use a weed whacker naked. In fact, try not to garden at all in the nude. Horticulture was meant for clothes

15. If sticking pins into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Calvin’s Potty Training Tips for Parents

Is your baby old enough to ditch the diaper and start using the toilet? Potty training your child can seem like an arduous process, but it doesn’t have to be completely traumatic for either of you! Even though I am not a parent, I am great with kids! Here are five helpful hints I created so both of you survive the potty training period. Each child is different, so use one by one or as a whole package. Good luck!

1. Offer your child money to use the potty. Everyone knows babies are greedy. Bribery is an effective tool to motivate toddlers, and nothing motivates more than cold hard cash! Depending on your child’s level of greed, you can probably get away with offering just $20 each time they use the potty.

2. Potty train in stages. Some kids just are not as smart as others, so perhaps in this case it is good to transition them into using the potty. A great midway point between diaper and potty is a littler box. Have your toddler use the cat’s litter box until you think they are ready to try a potty. If your cat is unhappy with this new situation, don’t worry: it’s also a great lesson for your child on how to share with others.

3. Make your child fear their diapers. Fear is a powerful motivator in all people, especially small children. Start referring to the diaper as “that white and absorbent scary monster that is sure to devour you” and “the baby eating creature that attaches to your bum”. It helps if you draw scary faces on the diapers and then run around the house screaming like you are terrified of it. Do this for a few weeks and your child is certain to start using the potty!

4. Replace the diapers your child wears with a strap on portable potty chair. Children are forgetful, and often they just forget that the potty is an option or they forget where the potty is located. Eliminate this problem by attaching the potty right to their person by attaching it with a belt or duct tape. This way, they have no option but to start using the potty. Latter, you can transition them the regular, less mobile toilet.

5. Make potty training a game. Toddlers love games! Unfortunately, toddlers are not very good at games. They have not yet developed eye hand coordination and have no ability to grasp abstract ideas. If you make potty training a game, it will have to be a really easy game without much in the way of rules or a challenge. Perhaps just make it a competition with another child, such as “lets see if you can be potty trained before little Sally down the street.”

Want your Ex Girlfriend Back? 10 Signs That She Still Wants You.

Your relationship, for whatever the reason, came to an end. Now you realize that this was a terrible mistake, and you want your ex girlfriend back. How do you tell if she is willing to start over with you?
Perhaps she has moved on and wants nothing to do with you. Or perhaps she still has strong feelings for you. How can you tell? It is impossible to tell exactly how your ex feels. That might have been a reason you broke up in the first place!
The good news is that there are certain signs that you can look for that just might indicate she wants you back. I have compiled a list of those 10 signs that might show that she still wants you.

1. She continually says “I still want you” as she cries and begs for you to take her back. This is a hint that she might be interested in sparking the flames of love with you again. The key here is to not only listen to the words she is saying, and then try to determine what the message she is trying to convey to you non-verbally. When you listen to your heart, and not her sobbing tears, you will know if she wants you back or not.

2. She spray paints the words “lying pig” and “cheating bastard” on the hood of your car. This is a sign that she still cares deeply for you. Analyze the loops of the ‘p’ in ‘pig’. If they are rounded and slightly curved to the left, then she is still deeply in love with you. If the ‘y” in ‘lying” is hangs lower than any other letter, then she may have gotten over you. If the t’s in ‘bastard’ are not crossed in a parallel way, then she might have a tendency to lie. Either way, she felt strongly enough to paint your car so she might feel strongly enough to want you back in her life.

3. She claims you never actually broke up in the first place and refuses to move out and give you the key to your apartment back. I have seen this display time and time again. I have come to the conclusion that this is either a profound display of love, or the actions of a mentally unstable person. You will have to take time to discern which it is.

4. She refuses to open the handcuffs and un-gag you until you promise to take her back. It is especially difficult to know how someone feels when they are notoriously coy and unforthcoming with their true emotions. Try to look into her eyes when she behaves this way, and I am certain you will be able to ascertain whether or not she wants you back as her boyfriend. (Then try to remember your ‘safety’ word.)

5. She exhibits nervous behavior when she kills your children’s pet bunny then boils it in a pot on your stove. Sometimes it’s obvious when someone wants you back. Sometimes it’s obvious when you need to call the police when they want you back that badly.

6. She names her first child after you. This shows that she is very much in love with you and wants to carry a piece of you in the being she loves most in this world, her only child. Or, you have a really great name and she wanted to use it regardless of how poorly she still thinks of you. Or maybe she is not really that creative, and that was the first name she thought of because she doesn’t really even remember you. (On second thought, naming her child after you may not be an indication of anything.)

7. She threatens to blackmail you in order to expose you as the lying, cheating, disgusting pig and fraud that you are. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. So clearly, she is not indifferent if she is willing to extort you. This is a sign you still have a chance with her.

8. She holds your new girlfriend hostage at gunpoint, hoping to get to see you again. You have to be open to the possibility that she wants you back when she is willing to go through really creative lengths to be this romantic. If she cares enough to do a grand gesture as romantic as this, then I would have to say, ‘wake up and smell the coffee, dude’! She still wants you.

9. She goes to court to get more child support money from you. When this happens, it is so obvious that she is still a smitten kitten, and she wants her little pooh-bear back in her arms where he belongs! Everyone knows that litigation is the shortest distance between two hearts. Open your eyes and your heart and see that she still wants you.. . and some more money.

10. She tries to run you over with her car in a deserted parking lot, and then claims it was an accident. Twice. How can she be more obvious? Stop being so dumb, this girl is still madly in love with you!

Mylesie's Guide to Faking Your Way Through Book Club, When You Didn't Read The Book

So, tonight is book group, and you didn't read the book...

Mylesie's Guide to Faking Your Way Through an Evening with Your Book Group

Okay, kittens, so you didn't have time or maybe inclination to read the latest selection from your Book Group's list. Perhaps you're hopelessly lazy. Maybe you have ADD or ODD. Or maybe you really don't care much for reading and you only attend book group for the delicious snacks. In any case: DON'T PANIC! First, let me tell you that you are not alone in your dereliction of Book Club duty. I have found over the years that about 25% of the members at any given time don't read the book. The reasons vary, and the excuses are legion.
Of course, yours truly would never willingly admit to not having read the book for Book Club, but if you find yourself wanting to escape the potential admonishment and humiliation from those who have read the book and are all smug and judgey about it, you can try these little tips to help get you through the evening unscathed. One note of warning: you will know the ending of the book almost immediately. Someone will invariably bring that up (first, most likely) as a talking point, so if you really don't want to know how it ends because you really intend to read it, this would be a time to call in sick.

1. The first rule of Book Club is: Never, NEVER admit to anyone in the group that you have not read the book. Yes, they seem like they're your friends, laughing at your jokes, asking you about your job or your love life, but even your closest comrade will rat you out in Book Group. There are multiple theories behind the motivation for this betrayal, but it can be avoided if you keep your yap shut.

2. Most Book Group meetings are centered around a pot luck meal. Bring something really delicious that seems to require prep. This serves two purposes: first, you are most likely to be forgiven if found out if you have brought a particularly yummy treat. Second, while the group is hashing out the symbolism, meaning, characterization, plot points, paradigms, etc., you are "busy" in the kitchen working on something very complicated. Using faux French words and high drama lends to the authenticity of your difficult dish. Laugh shrilly, and say something like, "I'm sorry, I have to go into the kitchen--my Napoleons des Boeufs need my attention before they completely implode."

3. Spend two minutes online reading the reviews of the book in question. One can garner a lot of information from the witticisms and intellect of those who are even more adept than you at pretending they read the book. Oh sure. You think those people really have time to read all those books? Please.

4. Fly under the radar. When other people discuss how they loved this or that, or couldn't get into that other thing, nod your head a little, or better, frown, rest your chin in your hand, and say "Hmmm...I don't know. I didn't think about it that way." If some smart ass decides to push you for an opinion at that point, say, "Well, I hadn't seen it the way (insert the last groupie's name) did. Come back to me. I'm still thinking about it."

5. Throw them off by asking a few brilliantly pointed questions. If you did your 2 minute homework, you will know at least two characters names and a brief plot point or two. Keep it vague, yet confusing in that post-modernist way we have all come to love and admire. "So what did you think of the variations in symbolism in that paradigm shift for (insert character's name here)." You can even tell them you read the reviews, which will make you appear to be well researched and will lend to your authenticity.

6. When in doubt, pour more wine. Nothing will get you out of a sticky situation faster than a generous pouring. Should one of your dear companions start to become aware that something is awry, quickly slosh more wine into her glass and ask if she really likes that particular wine because you "have a bottle of (something else) that you could open right now--it would be no trouble--really..." and by then the group will have moved on.

Good luck, darlings. Now seriously, do as I say (not as I do) and go and read the book!

*Calvin's Note: Thank you to my guest blogger Mylesie! Check out her awesome blog at: Dizzy Limit

10 Obvious Indications Your Next Door Neighbor is a Dangerous Criminal

He has a perfectly tended yard with a beautiful lush garden. It is common knowledge that the most dangerous criminals have a tendency to be really great horticulturalists. You may not know this, but it is a fact that 87% of all serial murders have been on their neighborhood's garden tour at one time or another. It is best not to trust anyone who has an unnatural preoccupation with growing plants.

He is quiet and keeps to himself. The one common element that surfaces during every interview with the next door neighbor of a dangerous criminal is they all say how surprised they are because this individual was “quiet and keep to himself.” Don’t find yourself in this same situation! If your neighbor is “quiet and keeps to himself” then immediately call the police. They are certainly a dangerous criminal.

He asks you to please stop going through his garbage. Most dangerous criminals really don’t like it when you go through their garbage. Don’t let this deter you from discovering your neighbor’s lascivious and unlawful tendencies by finding clues in their refuse! Dig away and learn to protect you and those you love.

He gets angry when you spy on him through his bedroom windows. If your neighbor was not a dangerous criminal, then he has nothing to hide. Then it only makes sense that when you are caught spying on someone who has nothing to hide, they should not get angry. It seems perfectly logical to me.

He is friendly and outgoing, personal, and has wonderful manners. My philosophy is that if something to too good to be true, it probably is. In the same way, if your next door neighbor seems really, really nice, he is certainly a dangerous criminal trying to deceive you by being “nice”. Do not be lured into a false sense of security! The nicer your neighbor seems, the more vigilant you need to be.

He expresses his displeasure when you drop in on him unannounced at odd hours of the day and night. Modern criminologist will attest to the fact that most crimes happen at odd hours of the day and night. It is important to know what your neighbors are doing at those times in order to protect yourself. Only those that are truly guilty of scandalous behavior will fault you for “popping in” from time to time in the middle of the day and night.

He doesn’t appreciate when you organize his mail and then hand deliver it to him. A good neighbor will recognize a good neighbor through their good neighborly qualities. A great quality in a neighbor is one who cares enough to go through a neighbor’s mail to scan for anything that might seem amiss. Again, if your neighbor is not a dangerous criminal, then they have nothing to hid and should not be annoyed when you do this.

He seemed to be cross when he discovers the surveillance equipment you planted in his home. If he is not a dangerous criminal, he should understand that it took a lot of time and money to plant those bugs in his house. Further, he should appreciate your sacrifice in reviewing hours and hours of video looking for illegal activities when you could be at the neighborhood BBQ.


He threatens to call the police if he finds you taking a bubble bath in his bathtub when he isn’t home again. A recent study found that 74% of all dangerous criminals hate it when a total stranger used their bathtub when they were not at home. I recommend that you go ahead and take a luxurious bath in their house! This is a great way to test your neighbor for dangerous criminal tendencies.

He seems to be a real “family man”. He loves his beautiful and smart wife, his well behaved and happy kids, and has earned the trust and respect of the entire neighborhood through his good deeds and behavior. This is clearly a cover for a twisted, evil monster. If your neighbor fits this description, you are certainly dealing with a wicked, treacherous criminal. Do everything in your power to bring this iniquitous madman to justice.

5 Signs You Are Not Compatible After All

Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain if you are truly compatible with your lover. Compatibility is all about the big picture, so don't sweat the small stuff like having “irreconcilable values” or “totally different life goals”, those things are just icing on the relationship cake! However, before you commit to being in it for the long haul, look for those subtle hints that you might not be seeing eye-to-eye with your partner on the things that really matter. Here are 5 signs you should look for that might be red flags that you are not as compatible as you thought you were.

He tries to murder you. This is a fairly accurate indication that the two of you might have some compatibility issues that need to be resolved before you agree to a long term commitment. The basic problem is that you want to remain alive and happy, and he wants you to die in a horrible and painful way. I would recommend that you try to come to terms with this basic disagreement before you go further with your relationship.

He places a restraining order on you. Not wanting to have you within 500 feet of his person and being willing to have you thrown into jail for coming closer than that is a clue that you might not be really as compatible as you might have thought. I would recommend giving him some time and space. I would further suggest that you stop using your telescopic lens to take photos of him and his new fiancé through his living room windows and move on to a newer (and perhaps healthier) relationship.

He doesn’t really even know who you are. It is hard to be compatible with someone when they have no idea who you are because they have never actually met you. You know you have a vivid fantasy life. But now it’s time you have come to realize that this relationship is merely a product of months and months of fantasizing about a love affair that exists only in your mind.

He moves to another hemisphere to get away from you. When a man changes his phone number and e-mail address, then crosses the globe without forwarding his new address, perhaps in a desperate attempt to get away from you, you may want to consider reading between the lines that the relationship probably will not be developing any further.

He has faked being in a coma for 3 years rather than have to deal with breaking up with you. When a man is would lay motionless in a lonely hospital bed for years and years rather than committing to you, you may or may not be truly compatible. The nuances of his interest in pursuing a deeper relationship with you are sometimes hard to read, such as in this example. Perhaps you should err on the side of caution and not pursue a relationship with this person.