Thursday, April 30, 2009

How to Avoid Getting Ill during the Swine Flu Pandemic

Although these tips may seem like commons sense, these simple guidelines may protect you from contracting Influenza 'A' Virus (H1N1) known as the “Swine Flu”.

1. Do not share a drinking glass or eating utensils with any pigs, especially if that pig seems to have the sniffles.

2. In order to build up resistance to swine flu, eat lots of pork products! Large portions of bacon, pork chops, chitlins, pork rinds, and ham should be consumed each meal. Pickled pork feet, pig knuckles and chitterlings make great snacks between meals. Every little bit helps! Sprinkle bacon bits on your ice cream. The good news is that you will build up your immune system; the bad news is you may drop dead from a heart attack.

3. Make sure you wash your hands and apply anti-bacterial lotion after you man handle any Mexicans.

4. If you seal yourself in a germ free plastic bubble, make sure that there is no-one who has recently traveled to Mexico sealed in with you.

5. Avoid all pigs, even the famous pigs that may seem harmless, such as Miss Piggy, Porky & Petunia Pig, Babe, Piglet, Pumbaa, Arnold from Green Acres, Wilber, Hamm from Toy Story, and Noelle. (Noelle was Suzanne Sugarbaker’s pig.) You never know what type of diseases they may be carrying.

Good luck and stay healthy!!

Calvin’s Note of Abject Porcine Paranoia: Although this new sickness derives from the swine influenza virus, the new strain has been found only in people. Oddly, no pigs have been confirmed to be sick with it. Could this be the part of a pig master plan to rise up in rebellion to overthrow our human domination using this new and terrifying biological warfare technique? Are pigs making us sick in order to become the new master species? Will we one day, find ourselves to be penned up, fattened up and butchered to be made into human sausage patties and pickled people feet for our new porcine masters’ gastronomical pleasures?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tips on Nailing that Job Interview!

Let's admit it, interviewing for a job can be scary and intimidating. There really is no need to be nervous if you follow my tips that will help you separate yourself from the herd and allow you to land that dream job.

1. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Didn’t you always want to be an astronaut? A cowboy? A fireman? Then dress like one on your interview, even if the position to be filled is accountant or bank teller.

2. Beef up your resume with impressive, yet totally unverifiable achievements. Who is to say you really didn’t climb Mount Everest or that cure for cancer you discovered on your own was lost in a tragic lab fire? Just remember one of my favorite maxims, "lack of proof is not proof of lack."

3. Use recently deceased experts as references on your job interview. This way, you get the benefit of being associated with the top of your profession, without the hassle of having to actually associate with these dull folks.

4. Break the ice during your job interview. The interview process is stressful for all involved, including the professional conducting the meeting. Break the ice with some fun magic tricks or make some balloon animals... for example.

5. Take charge of the interview. Confidence and self assuredness are two attractive qualities that most interviewers are looking for in their candidates. Show them how you can command respect by stopping the interviewer mid sentence and say, “No, I think that I am the one who is going to interview you.”

6. Make yourself memorable. Take it one step further and make yourself unforgettable, either with extremes in fashion or creativity with your make up. Would you forget the candidate who looked like the lead singer from KISS or the lady who looked like Chuckles the Clown? Remember, they won’t hire you if they can’t remember you.

7. Show the breadth and width of your talents. Display a totally unrelated talent such as juggling or baton twirling during the interview. It is important to demonstrate how well rounded you are.

8. Do your research ahead of the interview. Find out as much personal information you can about the interviewer and back it up with social security numbers, personal tax information, and pictures of the interviewer’s children playing in the park. It makes more of an impact if you present the entire collection of the interviewer’s personal information in a neat portfolio or a cardboard diorama.

9. Let them into your world. Share your personal life with the interviewer on the first interview. Read some of your favorite poems that you have written, show them pictures of your most recent vacation, or discuss some intimate details of your love life. If they care about you, they are likely to care enough to hire you.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Surviving Your Wedding Day Jitters

Congratulations! You are finally getting married. You have met and fallen in love with the person whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life. So why are you nervous? Those wedding day jitters are merely your mind’s natural and healthy response to one of the most important decisions you will make in your lifetime.

I find that with some mental discipline, you can curb some of the anxiety that will occur the day of your wedding. Here are some important things it is important that you do not think about the day of your wedding. Follow these simple mental guidelines, and you are sure to enjoy the special day of the commitment of your eternal love.

1. Try not to think of this person you are about to join in matrimony as the last person you will ever have sex with again. Ever.

2. Do not spend a great deal of time with your fiancée’s large, obnoxious and unattractive family, because you may imagine every future holiday and special event of your life being surrounded by them.

3. Do not look at your fiancée’s parents and grandparents and imagine your future spouse at their age.

4. Try not to think of your favorite past lovers, especially those who broke your heart, or whom you consider “the one that got away”.

5. Do not mentally calculate the total cost of your wedding.

6. Do not think about all your fiancée’s flaws, annoying habits, or poor hygiene routines.

7. Try not to reminisce about all the freedom you enjoyed in your youth.

8. Do not envision your life as a middle aged person trapped in a dead end job with a crushing mortgage and insurmountable credit card debt, with ungrateful hungry children and with a lifetime of regrets and broken dreams under your belt.

9. Do not compare your relationship to the seemingly perfect and happy relationships your friends seem to enjoy.

10. Do not mentally calculate the odds of infidelity (Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%), domestic abuse (It is estimated that a domestic violence act occurs every 15 seconds somewhere in the United States. That figure translates to over 2.5 million victims per year), and divorce (Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53% that occur annually in the United States.

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Monday, April 27, 2009

10 Helpful Hints on How to Avoid Serial Killers

Whether you are aware of it or not, serial murderers are all around you. Every single person you come in contact has the potential to kill you. The good news is avoiding becoming a victim of one of them is easier than you think. I have compiled a list to help you live a full life, free of fear of being abducted, tortured, raped and killed, and your body defiled by a serial murderer.

1. The easiest way to avoid being murdered by a serial killer is to avoid them altogether. The easiest way to do this is to avoid all single white males with higher then average intelligence who may have trouble holding down jobs, come from abusive and unstable families, that have a history of criminal, psychological or alcoholic histories, especially if they are interested in voyeurism, fetishism and sadomasochistic pornography. They may not all be serial murderers, but hey! Why take the risk?

2. Some occupations seem to attract more serial killers than others. Avoid being a waitress, a flight attendant, a nurse, or a prostitute. Conversely, there are occupations that rarely seem to attract a serial murderer, such as ninja, astronaut, or rodeo clown.

3. Never be alone. Always have a lot of people that you know and trust around you at all times, day and night. If being alone is unavoidable, or if you are around people you do not know well, then draw as much attention to yourself as possible in any way you can. Some great ideas include playing an instrument while you are alone the bagpipes, alternate between laughing uncontrollably and sobbing inconsolably, or wear your underwear on the outside of your clothing.

4. Do not have blonde hair. Blondes are often targeted by serial killers. Avoid having red hair as well, as that is a popular color targeted. It is not always great to have brunet hair. If possible, do not have any hair at all.

5. Avoid internet hookups with people you do not know, especially if you meet them on popular websites such as or

6. It is a bad idea to enter a basement, attic, crawlspace, van or underground dungeon of someone you met hitchhiking.

7. Many serial killers are sexually motivated to murder. Try not to be sexy or attractive in any way. In fact, if you can make yourself so repulsive as to drive away everyone, you will also be repulsing the serial murderers as well!

8. Do not associate with people with two first names. Billy Bob, John Wayne, Bobbi Joe, etc. If they are not murders, then they are probably annoying, so you win either way.

9. Many serial killers kill many people in a violent murderous rampage. Avoid post offices, high schools, or human resource departments.

10. Oddly, certain geographic locations seem to have more serial murders than others, so it is a great idea to move to an area that serial murders seem never to happen in. Antarctica, outer space, and Uzbekistan have no recorded instances of serial murder.

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You Don't Have to Go Home, but You Can't Stay Here:

5 Polite Ways to Let Your Guests Know the Party is Over

You know you throw the best parties of all your friends! However, the biggest drawback from throwing the best parties is that you will find that some of your guests will be reluctant to leave when the party is over. Everyone wants to be known in their circles as “the one who throws the best parties” but no one wants to be known as “the heavy who ended to party before it was over”.

This is a list of some polite, yet surefire way to inform your guests that the party is over without hurting your “perfect party planner” reputation or your guest’s feelings.

1. Shut off all the lights and blow out all the candles. Nothing says “the party is now over” by suddenly and without warning throwing all your guests into complete and utter darkness. I recommend that you leave a hall or porch light on, so that when you open the front door, they can navigate their way out. However, if you have adventurous guests, perhaps they would love the challenge of finding their way out of your home in complete darkness.

2. Set off your home fire alarm. There are occasions when you need to end the party suddenly and get your guests out of your home quickly and efficiently. The best way to accomplish this is to set off your home fire alarm and run through your home screaming “fire!” This will cause your guests to exit quickly, especially if they believe that their lives are in immediate harm. Another fun option to set off your sprinklers when the fire alarm goes off if you have them! The obvious drawbacks are the water damage to your property, but just think of the great stories this will provide for your next party!

3. Call 911 and tell them that you are being held hostage. I only recommend this for the last few guests who just refuse to take subtle hints and leave. If you are lucky enough to have a SWAT team deployed, make sure to distinguish yourself from your guests in an obvious way, such as by screaming that you are being held hostage or by handing your guests ski masks to wear before the authorities arrive. This way, the police will handle the unsavory job of removing your guests, leaving you to more important tasks, such as clean up.

4. Stop talking and remain totally immobile. In nature, possums, turtles and armadillos often employ this very effective technique, but his is a great option for those who have a flair for acting or have a talent for mime. If you become frozen, as if you suddenly have become a living statue for a long enough time, your guests will eventually become bored and leave.

5. Fake your own death. With a few well placed props and some great cinematic blood which you can find at your local Halloween supply store, you can create the illusion that you have been brutally murdered. Nothing clears out the last few party stragglers like a murder scene.

As you can see, there are ways to end a party politely without compromising any of your guest’s feelings. Just remember to be as creative in ending the party as you were in planning the party in the first place.

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