Monday, August 31, 2009

5 Signs You Are Not Compatible After All

Sometimes it is difficult to ascertain if you are truly compatible with your lover. Compatibility is all about the big picture, so don't sweat the small stuff like having “irreconcilable values” or “totally different life goals”, those things are just icing on the relationship cake! However, before you commit to being in it for the long haul, look for those subtle hints that you might not be seeing eye-to-eye with your partner on the things that really matter. Here are 5 signs you should look for that might be red flags that you are not as compatible as you thought you were.

He tries to murder you. This is a fairly accurate indication that the two of you might have some compatibility issues that need to be resolved before you agree to a long term commitment. The basic problem is that you want to remain alive and happy, and he wants you to die in a horrible and painful way. I would recommend that you try to come to terms with this basic disagreement before you go further with your relationship.

He places a restraining order on you. Not wanting to have you within 500 feet of his person and being willing to have you thrown into jail for coming closer than that is a clue that you might not be really as compatible as you might have thought. I would recommend giving him some time and space. I would further suggest that you stop using your telescopic lens to take photos of him and his new fiancé through his living room windows and move on to a newer (and perhaps healthier) relationship.

He doesn’t really even know who you are. It is hard to be compatible with someone when they have no idea who you are because they have never actually met you. You know you have a vivid fantasy life. But now it’s time you have come to realize that this relationship is merely a product of months and months of fantasizing about a love affair that exists only in your mind.

He moves to another hemisphere to get away from you. When a man changes his phone number and e-mail address, then crosses the globe without forwarding his new address, perhaps in a desperate attempt to get away from you, you may want to consider reading between the lines that the relationship probably will not be developing any further.

He has faked being in a coma for 3 years rather than have to deal with breaking up with you. When a man is would lay motionless in a lonely hospital bed for years and years rather than committing to you, you may or may not be truly compatible. The nuances of his interest in pursuing a deeper relationship with you are sometimes hard to read, such as in this example. Perhaps you should err on the side of caution and not pursue a relationship with this person.

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Effective Ways to Fend of Debt Collectors

You owe money, and a debt collector is calling you night and day. Living beyond your means was fun, but who knew spending so much of your credit would lead to so much hassle down the road? Just because you are terrible with money (money that really wasn’t yours in the first place) doesn’t mean you have to put up with all this pestering. Here are suggestions to help fend off those people you owe money to and keep the lavish lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.

Make a big bunch of money quickly, and pay off all your creditors. This is really the easiest and most reliable way to stop credit collectors from harassing you. Start gambling and play the lottery until you win or marry someone really, really rich. Use this money to pay off all your debts.

Completely drop off the grid. Become Amish, or live off the land as a Montana survivalist. They can’t call to pester you if you don’t have electricity, cell phone, computer or a home address! When it seems like you have fallen off the face of the earth, the debt collectors are likely to grow bored with trying to find you and forget about you after a few decades.

Move far way to a county without extradition laws, or any laws for that matter. Let’s face it: countries without laws are sexy and exciting! If a county does not have any laws, then they are also likely not to have phone service either, so the call from the collection agency will cease immediately. An added bonus to living in a lawless society, no one can extradite or prosecute you in any way! This way you can escape without owing any money to your creditors! Some great lawless countries to consider moving too include: Sierra Leone, Tajikistan, Vanuatu, or Equatorial Guinea.

Apply for more credit to pay off your debt collectors. This will give you enough time to pay off your burgeoning debt before a new crop of debt collectors find you.

Fake your death and/or assume the identity of someone who is dead. If it’s your very identity that keeps the debt collectors calling, it is time to create a new one. I recommend shedding your old name before you assume a new one, much like a snake shedding its skin when it molts. Fake your death in a way that would leave no identifiable remains, and then assume the identity and social security numbers of the recently deceased. Make sure the new identity has immaculate credit – or you will just be creating the same old problem for yourself!

Cause a complete computer meltdown of the financial institutions of the world, thereby destroying all records of your financial history. Perhaps you could create a world wide electromagnetic pulse or some other catastrophic disaster to erase you off the financial map. The downside of this is you may usher in the collapse of society and certain death to most of humanity, but at least those pesky phone calls from debit card collections will stop!

Find a way to become invisible. If they can’t see you, they can’t find you. And if they can’t find you, then they can’t collect from you.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

How to Avoid Being Sucked into a Transdimensional Vortex

1. Avoid standing near transdimensional vortices. They are dangerous and you are likely to be sucked in.

2. Avoid places that have transdimensional vortices or where one might suddenly open up and suck you in. These include, but are not limited to: ancient pyramids, (Mayan or Egyptian) Paleolithic stone circles, black holes, magical gateways, doorways to hell, and laboratories of evil scientists.

3. If standing near a transdimensional vortex is unavoidable (and sometimes that is the case), then whenever possible set up safety handrails and proper safety gates. Further protect yourself by strapping yourself securely to something weighty and secure in our dimension with a safety harness. At the very least, tie a rope around your waist.

4. If you are being sucked into a transdimensional vortex, try and throw someone else in first. Often, a transdimensional vortex will close once someone has fallen through to the other dimension. Whenever possible, try to throw in someone evil instead of someone innocent.

5. A last ditch effort to avoid plunging in, is to cut off the power supply to the transdimensional vortex. As any evil scientist or ancient high cleric can attest, keeping a transdimensional vortex open requires a great deal of energy. Merely remove the power, and often the vortex closes up.

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

7 Steps to Creating A Magical Fairy Tale Relationship

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, a beautiful princess and a handsome prince lived happily ever after! We all want that magical fairy tale relationship of our dreams. How do you find that prince charming? The gold is at the end of the rainbow if you follow these lucky seven steps:

1. Seek out animals that speak perfect English or otherwise behave in anthropomorphic ways when they interact with you. If you find one, and they seem friendly, listen to their advice and try to do what they say. If they seem more interested in eating you then helping you, you may want to take anything they say with a grain of salt, so to speak.

2. Be an orphan that often gets lost in large dark forests that are filled with witches, wolves and fairies.

3. Try to be an estranged member of a royal family that hangs out with the handsome princes, the attractive dukes, or the strongest and bravest of the knights. If this is impossible, then at least hang out with the best looking of the stable hands.

4. Have an unscrupulous, manipulating, or otherwise generally evil relative who needs to kill you in order to gain control of the royal throne. It’s even better if this relative happens to be a witch, a warlock, or a dark wizard.

5. Live in a kingdom that existed long ago and far away, especially if it was an obscure one existed during medieval times. It is best to find a kingdom with a great castle: one with a deep mote, a windowless tower, and perhaps a dragon in the dungeon.

6. Be more precocious, attractive and far more clever than any of your relatives.

7. Believe in magic, whether or not if you practice it yourself.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

The 10 Biggest Strains on Your Relationship, and How to Avoid Them

As common as our relationship problems are, we often misunderstand what it is that makes these things occur. Much of the time they come from hidden meanings of our words and action patterns within us, not from the behavior or attitudes of others. The problem is we often don't notice the role that we play in the relationship.

We all experience relationship problems from time to time. Most people are confused about what it takes to create happy, successful, long-term interpersonal relationships. Surprisingly, they the most stressful rarely are about money or sexual dysfunction. I have listed the ten most common situations that can cause stress on your relationships, and some thoughtful and practical advice on how to deal with them.

1. You find out that your spouse is an alien, a genie, a robot, or some type of non-human. What could me more stressful than finding out that your lover is not even human? It is totally understandable if this became a strain on your relationship. My advice in this situation is either revoke your humanity and become whatever it is that your lover is, or break off the relationship entirely. However, let me caution you to break it off gently and try to remain friends, as they are likely to be more powerful than you and want to destroy you.

2. You find out after the wedding that you are actually related to one another. Finding out that you actually very closely related to your lover is very stressful, just ask Oedipus. However, it doesn’t have to be a total downer for your relationship. My advice is this: Just try and forget the situation, live it up and enjoy it! I mean, you had no idea she was your sister or mother! It’s not like it’s your fault – why should you be made to suffer?

3. One of you has another secret family that you are keeping hidden in another state. Really? You thought that having two wives and two sets of families was a good idea?? One is bad enough. You made your bed pal, or in this case, TWO beds, so you need to sleep in them. I have no sympathy for you; you deserve all the stress you made for yourself, buddy.

4. Your lover is a member of warring tribe or clan that has a blood feud with your family. Family drama is the worst! Whether you are Romeo or Juliet, a Jet or a Shark, a Hatfield or a McCoy, my only advice for you is to follow your heart: elope and then come back and totally decimate your lover’s clan. It’s really the only way it will work out. Your spouse is likely to learn to forgive you over time.

5. One of you is not even alive. Too many times us sensitive types fall for the dead or the undead, a vampire, ghost or a zombie. No good can come of it, they will eventually try to exsanguinate you or to open your head like a ripe melon and eat your brain. Its best to leave these undead relationships to the undead and find a living, breathing lover, especially one that has no desire to kill and eat you.

6. Balancing your family life with your career of a costumed crime fighting superhero. There is no use keeping this a secret from your family. They will inevitably find your tights and cape, and then start asking some pointed questions. For their safety and yours, only date other super powered meta-human mutants.

7. One or both of you are an undercover super spy. Unless you for both spying for the same country, this usually will end in disastrous results. And lets be honest with ourselves, there is no way of knowing what side a spy is on, they could be counterspies or a mole of some type. Drop the spy and fall in love with some boring government bureaucrat or the cute clerk at the DMV.

8. You are currently having a secret affair with a member of your spouse’s family. It’s totally understandable, the things you found attractive in your lover are also going to be present in their family members as well. Honestly, there is no reason to let this stress your relationship, just keep it quiet and for once, have your genetic cake and eat it too.

9. You are an assassin assigned to assassinate your spouse. Admittedly, having to assassinate your spouse can cause undue strain on your relationship. However, you are an assassin and this is what you were trained to do, so you should probably go ahead and pull the trigger. Your only other option is to become a contemptuous, filthy, disgusting, treasonous bastard son of a whore not worthy of the air you breathe. It’s your choice.

10. You say “potato”, he says “potahto”. Stressful and annoying. Dump him immediately.

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

10 Easy Steps to Determine if a Man is a Homosexual (without Embarrassing Either of You!)

It seems to be getting more and more difficult to determine the sexual preference of the men that you come in contact with in your day to day life. With the advent of the “metro-sexual” and the popularity of wearing tight “Abercrombie & Fitch” clothing, it has become virtually impossible to separate the gays from the straights anymore. It was so easy in the 1970’s and 1980’s! Just take a look at their mustache, their tiny “Daisy Duke” cut off jean shorts and their white ribbed “wife beater” tank tops and it was easy to pick them out, especially when vacationing on Fire Island, West Hollywood or in P-town. Now, as the modern straight man takes better care of personal appearances, working out more and more and dressing snappily, I have come up with 10 very easy and fun steps that will help you find out if the men in your life are gay while saving you both a lot of embarrassment.

1. When speaking to a man you suspect as being a homosexual, pepper your conversation with obscure gay terms and references and watch in turn for their recognition of those same terms. However, if you do not know any obscure gay terms or references, which not only proves without a doubt that you are not gay, but also makes using this method difficult.

2. Speak freely to the person you think might be gay about male genitalia and graphic gay sex acts and gauge how comfortable they are with the discussion. If they seem unperturbed by your cavalier usage of this graphic language, they are probably gay.

3. Talk incessantly to the suspected gay man about all the gay people you know, all the gay movies you love, your support same sex marriage equality and how comfortable you are with “the whole gay thing”. Then stop talking, smile knowingly at them, and wait for a reaction.

4. Break into the home of the alleged homosexual and try to find conclusive evidence of gayness. This might include rainbow flags hung on the walls of their nicely appointed and tastefully decorated pad. All true gay men have these in their homes.

5. Set up some hidden cameras through out your home, and then invite the assumed gay person whom you suspect of being gay over. Leave gay pornographic magazines causally around your home and then excuse yourself to watch the cameras from a remote location. If he tries to steal them, he is probably gay and also certainly a thief.

6. Play the game “Kill, Screw, or Marry” but only use men’s names with the person you think might be gay. If they play along and also only use men as examples, then they are gay.

7. Mention some gay icons, such as Barbara, Liza, or Liz Taylor, and then mention some obviously (to a homosexual) inaccurate facts about one of them. If the alleged homosexual man corrects you, then he has proved without a doubt that he is indeed a homosexual.

8. Vacillate between playing show-tunes and high energy dance music, and see if this so-called gay man knows all the words or are incapable of dancing to the pounding throb of the beat. If he begins to sing or dance, or both, then he is gay.

9. Engage them with conversation about fashion or the arts. If they know a lot about these subjects, then they are certainly gay.

10. Have sex with the man that you suspect might be gay. This is truly the most conclusive way to find out this person’s sexual preference. If you are a male, and the person you are having sex with to see if they are gay is also male, and you have sex, then you pretty much have your answer.

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Monday, August 17, 2009

What Would I do Without The Internet??

song chart memes
see more Funny Graphs

If I have one superpower, its that I can find anything on the internet. Phone numbers, random facts, pictures...anything. You name it, and I can find it, usually within seconds. My favorite form of freudenschade occurs when someone else cannot find something on the internet, and I find it for them. Ahhh, the small pleasures of life.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Things to Avoid: Buying a Star for a Friend

I was looking for a unique gift to give a friend.

Maybe “friend” is too strong of a word. We are not yet “friends”, at least not in the truest sense of the word. I would classify us as “acquaintances”. However, I have a feeling that this acquaintanceship period of our relationship is about to mature and we are going to cross over the threshold into friendship. To make sure this happens, I want to find a great present that displays how funny and clever I am, without spending a lot of money. The problem is this: I am not entirely confident about the likes and dislikes of this person or the things she would like or not like to receive as a gift.

As I was searching I stumbled upon an internet company that claims to sell stars that you can purchase and name. I was intrigued. This could be a great gift, even for the person who has everything. What are the odds that they already own their very own star?

So I began to think about this in earnest. How would this work? Do I get to choose precisely which star I want, like choosing the perfect plum in the produce section of the grocery store or is a star doled out to me at random? Do I get to choose a hot, bright blue white star at the beginning of its celestial life, or would I be assigned a dimming red giant, a star that could go supernova and blow up any day now? And if it did suddenly give up the ghost in a cosmic explosion, would I get a refund or would another star be assigned to me? What is the warranty that comes with a star?

And further, do I get to choose the star’s location as well? Like a house, I am fussy as to the neighborhood that the star is in. Would it be in the posh constellation “Leo the Lion” or the less than cool constellation “Cecil the Hedgehog”? Where this star is located says a lot about the person you are… I would think.

Then finally, if you get a star named after you, do you actually own the star? Do you get a deed of some sort? Do you get any particular rights that come with owning a star? For example, if planets are discovered to orbit your star, do you also own them and any real estate if any of those planets are deemed habitable? Are there any taxes for this?

This lead to a terrifying thought: What if life was discovered on a planet orbiting a star that was named after you?

I could see the headline now:

WE ARE NOT ALONE! Conclusive Evidence of Extraterrestrial Life Discovered
August 2, 2020. A binary code message recorded last week was confirmed today by astronomers to have originated from Beta Bernice Smith, the second planet orbiting the star Bernice Smith, a G class yellow dwarf star much like our sun. This star, which is barely visible to the naked eye, is 243 million light years away and is located in the constellation Lyra. Bernice Smith, for whom the star was named as a birthday present nearly a decade ago, could not be immediately reached for comment.

I suspect that if this were to happen, I would feel much the same way I would feel if I gave someone a lottery ticket as a gift and they won. I would feign being thrilled for them, but then I would expect them to share at least half of their winnings with me. This is why it is my personal policy not to give lottery tickets as gifts. And perhaps, this should also be the reason not to buy a star for an acquaintance.

So, I decided not to give my friend a star for their birthday. However, if you feel so inclined, you can name a star after me. I think “Calvin” is a great name for a star, as long as you don’t mind getting a gift certificate to Dunkin’ Donuts from least until I get to know you a little better.

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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: The Humboldt Squid

Who would have guessed that the true terror of the ocean is not the Great White Shark or the Portuguese Man of War...but a vicious, hyperintelligent, pack hunting squid?

I could not say it better than it has already been written - take a read and take a gander at the video. Then I think you should think twice before swimming in the Humboldt Current in the Eastern Pacific Ocean.

"The Humboldt squid is a large, predatory squid found in the waters of the Humboldt Current in the Eastern Pacific Ocean. These squid hunt in packs of up to 1,200 and use their ability to rapidly change color to communicate with each other. Scientists believe that they are highly intelligent and use complex communication. Each tentacle is covered with suckers filled with razor sharp teeth which they use to drag their prey to their beaks. They often approach prey quickly with all ten appendages extended forward in a cone-like shape. Upon reaching striking distance, they will open their eight swimming and grasping arms, and extend two long tentacles covered in sharp ‘teeth,’ grabbing their prey and pulling it back towards a parrot-like beak, which can easily cause dramatic lacerations to human flesh. The whole process takes place in seconds. To make matters worse, these creatures love hunting humans – they do it very frequently and most fisherman in the area know of at least one or two friends who have been eaten by a pack of these monsters."

Quoted from

Thanks to Calvin at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool for inspiring this post. It must go with the name, but this Canadian Calvin writes an awesome blog. If you have a penchant for the whacky, and a fear and general loathing of cephalopods, this is a website worth perusing. Often.

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My new toy...

I got my new Kindle in the mail today.
I was given one for my birthday from a friend. I am quite excited about it, but I am also a little nervous about it.

If you are not familiar, Amazon has put out a nifty new device to read books on. You can download books and read them on this contraption that looks vaguely like a “tricorder” from the original Star Trek series. With the Kindle, there is no need to buy another book again, you can simply press a button and have the book downloaded and read it on the screen in front of you. You can also buy subscriptions to newspapers and periodicals to read on this amazing machine.

This is why I have a bit of anxiety about my new toy, the Kindle. I am afraid I will not like it as much as reading a “real” book. First of all, I love books. I like how books sound when I read them, esp. when the spine of a new book cracks like the shell of a lobster I am about to dig into. I like the feel of the pages when I am flipping through a text looking for something; I like the sliding feeling of the dust jacket. I love how they smell. I actually like to smell a book and determine how old it is, if it is new it smells crisp like celery or a new dollar bill, if it smells dusty, weathered and smart I know it is an older volume.

I like the pressure of a big book on my chest when I read one in bed. Now I am holding something in my hands that is more akin to a giant calculator than a novel. It is impossibly light and so thin it’s nearly two dimensional. It doesn’t make any sounds. I smelled it. It doesn’t smell like anything.

As I read the directions, I feel some of my anxiety melt away. It seems rather easy to use. No secrets or surprises. Admittedly, I am not very tech savvy, however, it seems to fall somewhere between the I-pod and a cell phone in its complexity. These are acceptable parameters, so I think I can handle it.

As I get familiar with my new Kindle, what I have come to realize is that more than loving books, I love to read books even more. Books are great and I will always continue to enjoy them, but what I now know is that I love a great story, a clever turn of phrase, or a fantastically placed word even more than the actual book. I enjoy a creative metaphor or an emotional evocative scene more than I love the pages of a physical book in and of itself. And if any device that makes the experience of reading more accessible, more convenient, and more efficient than I am willing to give it a try.

So hello new Kindle. I am happy to make your acquaintance. Let’s get to know each other a little better, shall we?

Monday, August 10, 2009

After You Get Lucky: The 7 Sexiest Things to Do After Sex!

Sometimes it's what you do after sex that makes you a great lover...

1. Rate your partner’s sexual abilities. There is nothing sexier than scoring your partner’s performance right after you make love to one another. And don’t be afraid to tell your lover if there is room for improvement, your partner will certainly appreciate some constructive criticism right after sex.

2. Reminisce about past romances. There is nothing more romantic then talking about everyone else you have slept with while cuddling after great sex. You can make this discussion even hotter by comparing your partner to those past romances.

3. Fall asleep. Certainly, you are both tired. Turn on your side, make yourself comfortable and get a great night of sleep. Nothing is sexier than waking up refreshed in the morning.

4. Ask them to go make you a sandwich and/or get you a beer. Most people find being bossed around like a servant really, really hot. Try it! At the very least you might get a great sandwich.

5. List all the around the house jobs you need done. Everyone thinks ambition is sexy! While holding one another after sex, simply list all the chores that need to get done around the house and at work. This is a major turn on for most people.

6. Pay your partner in cash. Prostitution is very taboo, and what is sexier than things that are taboo? Treat your partner like a cheap whore right after love making and just watch the sexual energy skyrocket between the two of you.

7. Admit to any infidelity. Right after sex, when you are both literally naked and venerable, is a great time to admit to any infidelity. In fact, take this opportunity to discuss any emotional transgressions that might have ever occurred. Do not worry if this leads to a fight, because make-up sex is very sexy!

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Friday, August 7, 2009

The Man's Guide to the Urinal

When I read this on Amy Opps’ Blog – I instantly wished it was something that I had written! Take a gander:

1. No Food or Drink
I understand that in some situations, you have little choice but to take a beverage or food item with you, but do you understand the germs that are floating around by the urinal? We are talking about men's pee mist, and fart gasses. It isn't a very hospitable environment for anything you plan to ingest.

2. You Must Flush
There is a common dilemma that men don't want to flush the urinal, because men don't want to touch a handle that his been touched by others right after holding their junk. That's understandable, it's like giving someone's bits a firm handshake. But, what is worse than that? Combining your pee with someone else's. This combo creates a very unpleasant odor. You also need to flush to clear any spit, pubic hair, band aids, etc. that may be in the urinal after use. And finally, you may enjoy the smell of stagnant pee, but most others do not.

3. Don't Talk
Never, ever talk. I don't care if your best friend is next to you. Shut up, focus on the task at hand, exit the bathroom, and resume conversation.

4. Don't Stand Too Far Away
Get in close, and use your hands, and the urinal sides as a view blocker. No one wants to see your junk, nor do they want to see urine streaming from it. Snuggle on in, but not so close that your pants touch the urinal, that is gross. It takes time to find the proper distance, but it is worth the effort.

5. Don't Take Your Sweet Time
Don't stand there for 20 minutes enjoying the experience. The urinal is a tool, meant to capture your urine, not meant for enjoyment. This is especially important when there are others waiting.

6. Control Your Shakes
It is important to shake well after urinating, to avoid dripage in your underwear. Unfortunately, there are those that shake wildly with no concern for where the droplets may fall. Pee all over the rim, on the floor or on those peeing next to you is a no-no, and may get you beaten up.

7. Leave a Buffer
If you can, you should always leave a buffer of at least one urinal, though more than one is preferred. One of the biggest urinal taboos is occupying the urinal next to someone, when there were plenty of open urinals to choose from. This taboo leads to a very uncomfortable few seconds, where the tension can literally be cut with a knife. I'm not your buddy, get away from me.

8. Look Straight Ahead
The last thing you want is to have someone think you are trying to scope out their unit. Think about sports, count the tiles on the wall in front of you, do whatever you have to do, to keep your eyes from wandering.

9. Avoid Eye Contact
At all costs avoid eye contact while approaching, standing at, or leaving the urinal. There is no need for eye contact, and no good can come from it. Eye contact will lead to misunderstanding, and consequently either a fight, or an uncomfortabtle romantic encounter.

10. Ignore Farts
Everyone farts at the urinal, some intentionally, some not. Do not, for any reason acknowledge that you, or anyone else has farted. Looking around only implies shame in the action. There is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, farts can be a great source of pride.

11. No Sounds
Aside from the previously mentioned sound, make no others. This includes moaning, groaning, grunts, whistles, sounds of pleasure or satisfaction, etc. Shut up and finish your business.

12. No Phones
This includes bluetooth. Using bluetooth at the urinal is a violation of the third rule. Using a hand held phone lets everyone know that there are wiener germs on your phone. That's gross.

13. Wait Patiently
When waiting for a urinal to open, you can always make a trip to the stall. This is discourage however, because it occupies a stall that otherwise may be needed for a real number 2 emergency. It is best to busy yourself by combing your hair, checking yourself in the mirror, or waiting patiently at a safe distance. It is not ok to ask if someone is already done, or to try and peek into the urinal to check for activity. If you suspect someone is a lingerer, it is not ok to interfere. Let them finish in their own time, even if it is a clear violation of rule number five.

If you don't want to appear to be waiting for a buffer, you can always use the delay tactics of picking your nose, butt or ear, scratching your butt, armpit or crotch.

14. A Numbers Game
If there is only one urinal, you are in luck.

If there are two, use only if both are empty. If one is occupied, you don't want to violate the seventh rule. Wait patiently, and only break the seventh rule in an emergency.

If there are three urinals, never, ever take the middle urinal, making the other two urinals unusable by others. It is just rude. If all three are empty, choose the urinal closes to the wall, as the wall gives you a great buffer to one side.

If there are four urinals, you are free to choose one on the edge, or in the middle, as this does not effect the availability of a urinal with a buffer zone. It is still suggested however, to pick the one closest to the wall, so you can allow someone a two urinal buffer if they choose.

When there are five urinals, never, ever use the 2nd or 4th urinal. Using these urinals limits the urinals with buffers down to too, wasting a perfectly good urinal.

When there are six urinals, all empty, proceed to the farthest one. If the farthest is already occupied, go to the other end. If the ends are full, use only every second urinal.

When there are 7+, and one is occupied, do not proceed to the other furthest urinal, instead use the second furthest. To use the furthest could be portrayed as an insult to the personal already peeing. Do they smell bad, are they some sort of freak? This could really hurt someones feelings. Someone could also view you as some sort of weirdo, afraid of being close to another human being. So please be considerate when there are 7 or more urinals.

(Written by Nifty Nick)

While you’re at it – check out Amy Opps Blog – it’s hilarious! I hope you enjoy her humor as much as I do!

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Thursday, August 6, 2009

10 Steps to Having a Good First Day at a New Job

The first day on the job is very important; you only get one chance to make a great first impression! Put your best foot forward and make a lasting impact on your new co-workers your new boss. Instead of haphazardly juggling paperwork, introductions, and your nerves, these 10 steps will help you keep a good sense of perspective and focus as you take on the wild new world that is your workplace.

1. Relax: It’s natural to be somewhat uptight on your first day. Help yourself to relax by having a few strong cocktails before you head into your first day of work. If you are running a little late, do a few shots of tequila to loosen yourself up before you arrive on your big first day. While being excited is good, you don’t want to come across as uncomfortable either. If you are still nervous after you get to your new job, ask one of your new co-workers if they would mind giving you a neck massage! This is a great way to get to know some of the people you are going to work with and relax at the same time.

2. Show your new co-workers how much you know: Make sure that you are doing your best to actually show everyone why they hired you in the first place! Tell your new co-workers at every opportunity how talented you are, how valuable you were in your last job, and how much money you make. It is important to place yourself in a position of authority the second you walk through the door on your first day at the office.

3. Don’t ask too many questions: Questions are a sign of weakness and ignorance. You have to make a strong first impression, so do not ask any questions your first day. It is better to make assumptions and then hide your mistakes then to show any signs that you do not know something about the new company you work for.

4. Let others take care of the paperwork and hoops-jumping for you: You will almost certainly have lots of meaningless paperwork, and you will probably have to set up your email, get a new phone, get a laptop, and set up your voice mail as well. Go ahead and take care of these chores by delegating them to someone else. Prove to everyone that you are too busy and too valuable to be doing the tedious minutia yourself!

5. Get up to speed on the inner workings of the company: Ask your boss and your co-workers to give you the scoop on the office politics, the inter-office romances and the latest scandals within the company. Ask your co-workers how much they are being paid and who is about to be fired. Leave no stone unturned! It is important to be in the know on these things, and your first day is the best day to let everyone know that you will shortly know all their business as well!

6. Focus on your first opportunity to talk about your value: While the day is probably full of introductions and orientation, you will soon have your first opportunity to demonstrate your worth to the organization. Don’t feel uncomfortable blowing your own horn or patting yourself on your own back. If you don’t – nobody else will either! It’s always great to tell your new co-workers how sad your old company way to loose you and how much they cried and tried to keep you to stay when you left.

7. Compile a contacts list: Make sure to ask about the best customers of your new company, and try to compile a list of their personal contact information. It is also important to compile a list of all the home address and personal information of your supervisors and co-workers. I also suggest you post this information in an easy to see place in your new work station so that everyone can see that you had the foresight to compile this list. This will set you apart from all your new co-workers.

8. Demonstrate pro-activity when you have downtime: Take a lot of breaks and make a lot of small chit-chat with everyone at your new company on your first day. Hang out in the break room or linger for long periods of time around the water cooler. This will prove to everyone that you are so talented and efficient that you can accomplish your tasks in half the time that it takes your co-workers.

9. Share your ideas for improving the company: In your enthusiasm to make a good impression you will certainly see everything that is wrong with your new job. Let the light of your new perspective shine! Tell everyone you meet how to do their job better, and make sure to vocalize loudly and often everything you would change about the company if you were the boss. People appreciate constructive criticism, and be sure to be open with your criticisms the first day on the job.

10. Quickly Socialize with Your New Co-Workers: When someone settles near your workspace or when you meet them eye to eye, go ahead and introduce yourself. Ask them out for drinks after your first day of work. If they are attractive, then ask them out on a date. Show them how efficient you are by getting a group together to party right after work on your very first day on the job. Don’t forget to invite your boss, and tell everyone who is going to show up that the first round is on him!

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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The 10 Worst Things to Eat While Driving

It's tempting if you're in a hurry. It's something most people have done at one time or another, but eating is a perilous distraction while you're driving.

The term "distracted driving" refers to anything that takes your eyes, hands or mind away from driving. Eating while driving is one of the most distracting things you can do, according to several surveys by insurance companies and data from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

According to a study released by the NHTSA and the Virginia Tech Transportation Institute, 80% of crashes involve some form of driver distraction within three seconds before the crash.

Here are 10 items you should avoid eating in the car that will keep you from being distracted while you drive.

1. Boiled Lobster with Melted Butter: Even if you are from Maine, trying to crack the shell and dip the delicious lobster in the melted butter is sure to distract you from keeping your eyes on the road. If you must eat lobster and drive at the same time, I recommend that you keep your windows up, as the wind from an open window is likely to blow your lobster bib up over your face and impair your sight while driving.

2. Vodka Jell-O-Shots: This delicious treat is just too wiggly to try to eat while driving. I recommend eating all of your Vodka Jell-O-Shots before you start to drive.

3. Spaghetti and Meatballs slathered with Tomato Marinara Sauce. This is another food you should not eat while driving, especially if you are wearing white.

4. Porterhouse Steak: The risk of having an accident is only compounded by the possibility of being impaled by your steak knife.

5. Taco Salad: In addition to being dangerous to eat, it is a food that is sure to leave your car floor mat looking like a salad bar.

6. Cottage Cheese Ketchup Soup, with Fresh Mint and Chocolate Chips: I would not recommend eating this inside your car. I would not recommend eating this outside your car either. It’s gross.

7. 5 Alarm Chili with Three Cheese Toppings: The potential for drips and slops down the front of clothing is nothing compared to the great risk of indigestion that you are likely to get from this treat if you eat it while driving at great speeds.

8. Worms: Even if you are eight years old and are dared to do so, I do not recommend that you eat worms while driving.

9. Marijuana Brownies: No one denies the appeal of this moist and Choc√≥lately treat. However, you risk getting “hard to remove” chocolate stains if you eat this while driving. If you do have to eat this while driving, I recommend only doing so at traffic lights and stop signs.

10. Chocolate Ex-Lax: It is not recommended to eat any chocolate laxatives, no matter how temptingly delicious, if you are in the car for longer than 20 minutes. Trust me on this one.

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Eating a Death Cap Mushroom

Let me introduce you to the deadly Death Cap Mushroom. (Amanita phalloides). This single, widespread species of toadstool is solely responsible for the majority of fatal mushroom poisoning cases, worldwide as well as here in the United States. Indeed, one might argue that the Death Cap's notorious and frequent victimization of Homo sapiens is far and away the best explanation for the widespread fear of edible wild mushrooms.

This mushroom is rare in most parts of North America but locally common in such areas as the Northern California and Oregon, where it is typically found from mid-autumn through late winter. Primarily, this mushroom is a European species, there is no evidence that the Death Cap is native to North America. It seems to have been brought to North America in the roots of transplanted trees from other parts of the world, but made a successful foothold here on this continent, esp. on the West Coast. Ecologically, it is a beneficial mycorrhizal fungus as it lives on the roots of live trees, providing phosphorus, magnesium, and other nutrients to the tree in exchange for carbohydrates.

Death caps have been reported to taste pretty good! After eating them, the symptoms are slow to show themselves and often do not appear until 10-16 hours (or even longer) after eating. The timing given above is approximate, for much depends on the general health of the individual and how much they’ve eaten. For example, if you’ve eaten a large meal of Death Caps the symptoms could start as early as 6 hours after the meal.

The first symptoms are stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea. These may continue for a day or two, after which there is typically an easing of symptoms and apparent recovery. The "recovery" period may last for 2 or 3 days. Then the terminal phase of 3-5 days starts with the re-occurrence of stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea - accompanied by jaundice. Without effective, early medical intervention, coma and death occur between one and two weeks after eating the mushroom. Death is caused by liver failure, often accompanied by kidney failure.

For most patients in whom diagnosis is accomplished tardily, full recovery to their states of health prior to hospitalization is very unlikely.

In general, is it really dangerous to eat wild mushrooms?

How dangerous is it to drive a car? If you're drunk or careless, it is VERY dangerous; if you're sensible and pay attention, it is reasonably safe. Consider this: Would you pick and eat an unfamiliar berry simply because it "looked good"? Of course not. Finding, identifying, preparing, and eating wild mushrooms can be a delightful pastime—IF it is done intelligently.

So, continue to hunt and forage for wild edible mushrooms! Just be sure what you are putting into your mouth will not kill you!

Special Thanks to David Fishcher's - a great source for mushroom information! Be sure to check it out!!

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

10 Reasons Why the Internet is better than Real Life

1. Internet Porn vs. Sex with Real People. Let’s be honest with ourselves. Internet porn is far more efficient and easy than having sex with real people. When you are pressed for time, turning on the computer takes far less time than turning on your mate. What appeals to me is the variety and selection that is available online; it is far superior to any real opportunities for sex that I have available. Plus, you get to have sex with vastly more attractive people online than you are able to have sex with in real life.

2. vs. Really Having to Interact with Your Friends. Having to interact with my friends can often be tedious and boring. by contrast is very exciting! Where else can you be a mafia boss, a vampire, or own your own hobby farm? Plus, I can post crazy pictures of myself for everyone to comment on without having to provide food and drinks for everyone. That alone can be expensive and time consuming! The one drawback is that after a while, all my pictures will be of me alone, doing things by myself as all my real friends will probably abandon my lackluster friendship.

3. vs. Going to the Doctor. Who wants to spend all that time in a doctor’s waiting room, potentially catching what everyone else has while they wait to see a doctor? Quite honestly, I would rather diagnose myself online by finding a picture on the internet that looks exactly like my rash, then finding a cheap home remedy to take care of it. Who is the smart one? And I wonder why I am not the one with the PhD!

4. Internet Research vs. Going to a Library. Libraries are usually too quiet and too dusty for me. I certainly don’t need a cranky librarian to keep shushing my and telling me “There is no eating or drinking in here.” and “Put on some pants for God sakes, it’s a public place!” I can do my own research from the comfort of my own home while in my underwear eating whatever the hell I want, thank you very much.

5. Watching Movie Trailers Online vs. Going to the Movies. Why spend 20 bucks on a movie that probably sucks, when I can watch all the best parts of that movie for free at home? Plus, I can squeeze in virtually hundreds of movie trailers in the time it takes to watch one move.

6. Googleing Someone vs. Stalking Someone. Stalking ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends can be time consuming and potentially dangerous. You might be bitten by a deer tick and get Lyme’s disease while watching them in their living room window from their hedge. By Googleing them, you can find out a lot more information from your darken room in the middle of the night drunk without the risk of contagion by various woodland parasites.

7. Reading Vacation Blogs vs. Going on Vacation. Vacations are overrated. You spend a lot of time and money going to hot, dirty locations just to stand in long lines with thousands of screaming kids, in places that you can’t even drink the water without getting explosive diarrhea. Who needs that when you can read about other people’s experiences going to hot, dirty locations just to stand in long lines with thousands of screaming kids, in places where they drank the water and got an explosive case of diarrhea?

8. Watching People Exercise on vs. Exercising. Please, the reason I don’t lift weights is because they are too heavy. I will happily watch other people exercise on the computer while I munch on a cheese and pepperoni Hot Pocket.

9. Adding a Virtual Pet Application to Your Desktop vs. Owning a Pet. I have this great virtual aquarium on my computer that has gorgeous colorful fish that never eat and never poop. They will never grow old, never get sick and they will never die. Needless to say, I never have to get up to feed them, clean them or flush them down the toilet. By contrast, you constantly have to feed, clean and love your pets. The payoff is the love and affection you get back from your real pets, but I can get that same feeling in other places. (see reason #1)

10. Going to Work vs. Playing on your Computer All Day. Too bad I have to pay for rent, utilities and groceries; otherwise this is totally a no-brainer.

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