Friday, August 28, 2009

Effective Ways to Fend of Debt Collectors

You owe money, and a debt collector is calling you night and day. Living beyond your means was fun, but who knew spending so much of your credit would lead to so much hassle down the road? Just because you are terrible with money (money that really wasn’t yours in the first place) doesn’t mean you have to put up with all this pestering. Here are suggestions to help fend off those people you owe money to and keep the lavish lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.

Make a big bunch of money quickly, and pay off all your creditors. This is really the easiest and most reliable way to stop credit collectors from harassing you. Start gambling and play the lottery until you win or marry someone really, really rich. Use this money to pay off all your debts.

Completely drop off the grid. Become Amish, or live off the land as a Montana survivalist. They can’t call to pester you if you don’t have electricity, cell phone, computer or a home address! When it seems like you have fallen off the face of the earth, the debt collectors are likely to grow bored with trying to find you and forget about you after a few decades.

Move far way to a county without extradition laws, or any laws for that matter. Let’s face it: countries without laws are sexy and exciting! If a county does not have any laws, then they are also likely not to have phone service either, so the call from the collection agency will cease immediately. An added bonus to living in a lawless society, no one can extradite or prosecute you in any way! This way you can escape without owing any money to your creditors! Some great lawless countries to consider moving too include: Sierra Leone, Tajikistan, Vanuatu, or Equatorial Guinea.

Apply for more credit to pay off your debt collectors. This will give you enough time to pay off your burgeoning debt before a new crop of debt collectors find you.

Fake your death and/or assume the identity of someone who is dead. If it’s your very identity that keeps the debt collectors calling, it is time to create a new one. I recommend shedding your old name before you assume a new one, much like a snake shedding its skin when it molts. Fake your death in a way that would leave no identifiable remains, and then assume the identity and social security numbers of the recently deceased. Make sure the new identity has immaculate credit – or you will just be creating the same old problem for yourself!

Cause a complete computer meltdown of the financial institutions of the world, thereby destroying all records of your financial history. Perhaps you could create a world wide electromagnetic pulse or some other catastrophic disaster to erase you off the financial map. The downside of this is you may usher in the collapse of society and certain death to most of humanity, but at least those pesky phone calls from debit card collections will stop!

Find a way to become invisible. If they can’t see you, they can’t find you. And if they can’t find you, then they can’t collect from you.

1 comment:

  1. Um, Jennifer, darling - did you actually read this blog, or further, do you really "get" this blog? or are you just spamming for fun?