Saturday, August 1, 2009

10 Reasons Why the Internet is better than Real Life

1. Internet Porn vs. Sex with Real People. Let’s be honest with ourselves. Internet porn is far more efficient and easy than having sex with real people. When you are pressed for time, turning on the computer takes far less time than turning on your mate. What appeals to me is the variety and selection that is available online; it is far superior to any real opportunities for sex that I have available. Plus, you get to have sex with vastly more attractive people online than you are able to have sex with in real life.

2. vs. Really Having to Interact with Your Friends. Having to interact with my friends can often be tedious and boring. by contrast is very exciting! Where else can you be a mafia boss, a vampire, or own your own hobby farm? Plus, I can post crazy pictures of myself for everyone to comment on without having to provide food and drinks for everyone. That alone can be expensive and time consuming! The one drawback is that after a while, all my pictures will be of me alone, doing things by myself as all my real friends will probably abandon my lackluster friendship.

3. vs. Going to the Doctor. Who wants to spend all that time in a doctor’s waiting room, potentially catching what everyone else has while they wait to see a doctor? Quite honestly, I would rather diagnose myself online by finding a picture on the internet that looks exactly like my rash, then finding a cheap home remedy to take care of it. Who is the smart one? And I wonder why I am not the one with the PhD!

4. Internet Research vs. Going to a Library. Libraries are usually too quiet and too dusty for me. I certainly don’t need a cranky librarian to keep shushing my and telling me “There is no eating or drinking in here.” and “Put on some pants for God sakes, it’s a public place!” I can do my own research from the comfort of my own home while in my underwear eating whatever the hell I want, thank you very much.

5. Watching Movie Trailers Online vs. Going to the Movies. Why spend 20 bucks on a movie that probably sucks, when I can watch all the best parts of that movie for free at home? Plus, I can squeeze in virtually hundreds of movie trailers in the time it takes to watch one move.

6. Googleing Someone vs. Stalking Someone. Stalking ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends can be time consuming and potentially dangerous. You might be bitten by a deer tick and get Lyme’s disease while watching them in their living room window from their hedge. By Googleing them, you can find out a lot more information from your darken room in the middle of the night drunk without the risk of contagion by various woodland parasites.

7. Reading Vacation Blogs vs. Going on Vacation. Vacations are overrated. You spend a lot of time and money going to hot, dirty locations just to stand in long lines with thousands of screaming kids, in places that you can’t even drink the water without getting explosive diarrhea. Who needs that when you can read about other people’s experiences going to hot, dirty locations just to stand in long lines with thousands of screaming kids, in places where they drank the water and got an explosive case of diarrhea?

8. Watching People Exercise on vs. Exercising. Please, the reason I don’t lift weights is because they are too heavy. I will happily watch other people exercise on the computer while I munch on a cheese and pepperoni Hot Pocket.

9. Adding a Virtual Pet Application to Your Desktop vs. Owning a Pet. I have this great virtual aquarium on my computer that has gorgeous colorful fish that never eat and never poop. They will never grow old, never get sick and they will never die. Needless to say, I never have to get up to feed them, clean them or flush them down the toilet. By contrast, you constantly have to feed, clean and love your pets. The payoff is the love and affection you get back from your real pets, but I can get that same feeling in other places. (see reason #1)

10. Going to Work vs. Playing on your Computer All Day. Too bad I have to pay for rent, utilities and groceries; otherwise this is totally a no-brainer.

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