Tuesday, June 30, 2009

10 Super Duper Fun Activities to Do With Small Children on Rainy Days

Rainy days can be fun with these indoor activities for your school-aged child. These games and activities are perfect rainy-day distractions. Use these ideas and the kids may actually start wishing for more rainy days!

1. Crime Scene Investigations: Let the kids get really imaginative and come up with and plan a perfect crime. They might want to create the perfect crime individually, or, they might want to get together and plan the crime together. Have them write out the overall scope of the crime and the supplies they will need to commit the crime without getting caught. Who knows, they might never realize what a learning experience they are having, all in the name of having fun.

2. Revelations: Have the children create survival plans for the family for probable apocalyptic scenarios that threaten to destroy the world. Then let them play the roles of the folks who will help you survive the total collapse of society. Let them dress up in whatever you may have on hand and pretend to be the government officials, nurses, policemen or firemen. Let their imaginations save them and the whole family from the destruction of the world.

3. Mission Impossible. Give your child a bar of soap and a pack of matches. The first child to successfully light a match using only the bar of soap gets to have dinner. Only you need to know that this is an impossible task, but they are sure to be occupied for hours!

4. Have the kids create a brand new language and then have them translate their entire library of children’s books into this new language from English.

5. Bug Scavenger Hunt. The child that finds the most species of insects found within the home wins. Assign a point value to the obscurity of the species found, how poisonous the insect is or the number of legs or tentacles each bug has. Make sure they free the insects once all the points have been tallied!

6. Bangladeshi Factory Game. Pull out that old sewing machine, and see who can make the most gloves within 10 hours. To make the experience really realistic, provide only a thin rice soup for lunch and have them take a nap on a small mat on the floor. To really inspire the kid’s creativity, tell them that the child who makes the most gloves gets to be the factory manager the next time it rains!

7. Oedipus Complex: let the children create a chorus of stuffed animals dressed in masks and togas they have created, and then have them re-enact your favorite Greek Tragedy. Use the plays of Sophocles, Aeschylus, or Phrynichus in the original ancient Greek.

8. Give them a piece of Pi. Have the children calculate Pi (the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter) to the furthest integer. The child that gets the longest number while the rain falls… wins!

9. Cowboys & Indians: Let the kids gather blankets, sheets, pillows, couch cushions and whatever they think makes the perfect tent. Have them make slot machines and roulette tables out of cardboard boxes and crayons to put inside the tents. Provide cowboy hats for the whole family and invite them in the tents to gamble and eat a delicious buffet inside.

10. Murder She Wrote: This is more exciting if you can get Grandma to join in on the fun! Recreate your favorite crime scene using household products and Grandma playing the role of “The Victim”. Plant clues as to who committed the murder, and have the children solve the crime, CSI style.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Peeing in the Amazon River

Let me introduce you to the Candirú, also known as the toothpick fish, which are parasitic freshwater catfish in the family Trichomycteridae. They are found in the Amazon River and have a reputation among the natives as the most feared fish in its waters, even more feared then deadly piranha. They are eel-shaped and translucent, making them almost impossible to see in the water.

Toothpick fish are small fish. Adults only grow to around an inch in length with a rather small head and a belly that can appear distended, especially after a large blood meal. They have short, sensory barbs around the head with short backward pointing spines on the gill covers.

The Candirú lies in wait at the river's murky bottom, searching for its next host by sniffing the water for the expelled chemicals urea and ammonia from the gills of other fish. Coincidently, these are the same chemicals found in human urine.
It is believed that they enter the human urethra when it is expanded during urination and lodge themselves in the penis to feed.

There was a reported case in which the victim claimed that the fish jumped and lodged itself in him while he was urinating in thigh deepwater.
I have decided to stock my swimming pool with Candirú. This should be an effective method to keep my guests from peeing in it during my next pool party.

Friday, June 26, 2009

101 Reasons the Twitter Phenomenon is Bad

Let's face it - even though we seem to be caught up in some type of "Twitter Revolution", Twitter is really, really bad. Personally, I will never use Twitter for the following reasons. All of these reasons are true, are verifiable and have been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt:

1. Twitter is bad for the economy
2. Twitter causes blood clots
3. Twitter causes global warming
4. Twitter corrupts traditional family values
5. Twitter makes you go blind
6. Twitter promotes lewd behavior
7. Twitter looks funny
8. Twitter is in our air
9. Twitter kills your brain cells
10. Twitter is attributed to the rise in domestic violence
11. Jesus never used Twitter
12. Twitter hardens your arteries
13. Twitter is vaguely French
14. Twitter depletes the Ozone Layer
15. Twitter reduces the oxygen in your bloodstream
16. Twitter makes your face stick that way
17. Twitter makes you wet the bed
18. Twitter kills baby seals with a bat
19. Twitter gives you the hick-ups
20. Twitter helps the terrorists
21. Twitter is linked to tooth decay
22. Twitter makes you gay
23. Twitter causes constipation
24. Twitter is ruining society
25. Twitter is high in trans-fats
26. Twitter causes migraines
27. Twitter breaking down the glue that holds us together
28. Twitter is destroying religion
29. Twitter makes the baby Jesus cry
30. Twitter is an abomination
31. Twitter smells bad
32. Twitter makes you go deaf
33. Twitter sounds strange
34. Twitter eats you from the inside
35. Twitter causes acne
36. Twitter is illegal in some states
37. Twitter is immoral
38. Twitter is disgusting
39. Twitter is anti-American
40. Twitter has no nutritional value
41. Twitter cannot be traced
42. Twitter is homophobic
43. Twitter is void where prohibited
44. Twitter cannot be proven
45. Twitter is a false god
46. Twitter is alien
47. Twitter is abusive
48. Twitter makes your hair fall out
49. Twitter shrinks your testicles
50. Twitter is the anti-Christ
51. Twitter is flea ridden
52. Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive
53. Twitter is anti-Semitic
54. Twitter reduces your sperm count
55. Twitter makes you sterile
56. Twitter makes you a bad mother
57. Twitter is anti-Christian
58. Twitter is found in your drinking water
59. Twitter is racist
60. Twitter is too liberal
61. Twitter is too conservative
62. Twitter is part of a plot to destroy the world
63. Twitter is subversive
64. Twitter is dirty
65. Twitter is radioactive
66. Twitter is part of the gay agenda
67. Twitter wastes energy
68. Twitter is dangerous
69. Twitter is infected
70. Twitter will survive nuclear war with the cockroaches
71. Twitter is mean
72. Twitter is intrusive
73. Twitter is addictive
74. Twitter is not green
75. Twitter is inedible
76. Twitter will possess you
77. Twitter will take away your Constitutional Rights
78. Twitter will poison you
79. Twitter will smother you in your sleep
80. Twitter will make you go insane
81. Twitter will make you write long lists
82. Twitter will make you incontinent
83. Twitter will make you lose your memory
84. Twitter causes insomnia
85. Twitter is evil
86. Twitter promotes promiscuity
87. Twitter is a leading cause of Breast Cancer
88. Twitter might be used as a weapon of mass destruction
89. Twitter is toxic
90. Twitter should not be handled by children under the age of 4
91. Twitter has been found in our food
92. Twitter has been found in a shark’s stomach
93. Twitter is linked to Autism
94. Twitter can cause teenage suicide
95. Twitter should be recalled
96. Twitter saps your strength
97. Twitter takes away your will to live
98. Twitter may have some side effects
99. Twitter is rat infested
100. Twitter causes a loss of appetite
101. Hitler used Twitter

Thursday, June 25, 2009

How to Be a Mind-Blowing Kisser: 7 Lucky Tips That Will Help You Get Lucky!

1. Make your kisses as wet as possible. It isn't a coincidence that being without a date is called a "dry spell". A mind blowing kisser will drown that drought with sodden, sloppy kisses. For most people, it can't be wet enough. You can ensure a mind blowing kiss if you make the entire face, neck and ears damp with saliva.

2. Cover their entire mouth with yours. I call this technique "the oxygen mask" because you can give them life giving oxygen with your lungs. Start by imagining your partner as a resuscitation dummy at a CPR class. It is fun to see if you can force enough air into the kiss to fully inflate their cheeks. This is literally a mind "blowing" kiss!

3. Use your tongue as forcefully as possible during a kiss. Spelunking in caves is fun, but spelunking in your partner's mouth during an extended kiss is even more fun! See how far you can get your tongue in their mouth, then probe around their gums and teeth. Pretend to be a dental hygienist and explore each nook and cranny of their mouth with yours.

4. Bring into play your teeth as much as possible. God put those pearly whites in your mouth for a reason! Make sure to rub your teeth against their teeth as much as possible and punctuate your passion by adding a few sharp bites and nips to the their tongue and lips. Every mind blowing kisser knows this will drive your partner wild!

5. Keep your eyes wide open during the kiss. We all know that it is vitally important to be aware of your surroundings at all times, and no time is more important then during a lengthy, passionate kiss. This way you are sure not to miss anything that may be happening around your during your kiss or miss anything good showing on TV.

6. A good kisser remembers that it is important to use more than just your mouth during a mind blowing kiss: make sure you remember to employ your hands! While in the middle of the kiss, rub their belly or pat them on the head like a puppy. Personally, I favor wobbling the loose skin under my kissing partner's arm during a passionate kiss. This always drives them wild!

7. Finally, don't be too quick to brush your teeth or floss before a mind blowing kiss. A mind blowing kisser leaves a natural bouquet of flavor in their mouth. You enjoyed your last meal, maybe your kissing partner will too!!

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Calvin's Things to Avoid: 5 Disease Ridden Summer Vacation Destinations

These locales would strike terror in even the heartiest of Bacillophobe. If you visit, make sure to bring lots of hand sanitizer, antibacterial wipes, and rubbing alcohol.

Groauman's Chinese Theater, Hollywood, California. One of the most popular sights in Hollywood, Grauman's Chinese Theater is best-known for the hand and footprints of celebrities preserved in the cement in the ground in its forecourt. Millions of tourists visit every year, and every one of them are sticking their hands and feet in the prints on the ground and snapping photos!

7 Diseases Transmitted on Dirty Hands: Salmonellosis, Shigellosis, Hepatitis A, Giardiasis, Enterovirus, Amebiasis, and Campylobacteriosis.

St. Mark's Square, Venice, Italy. Pigeons, pigeons, pigeons! Pigeons are everywhere, flapping their wings and standing on visitors' head to gain the attention of food-toting tourists. To some, they are just a nuisance. To others, they can transmit diseases through the transmission of bird lice that feast the thousands of pounds of bird guano they produce every year- try not to let them land on your head or shoulder.

11 Diseases Attributed to Exposure to Bird Guano: Histoplasmosis, Candidiasis, Cryptococcosis, St. Louis encephalitis, Salmonellosis, E.coli., Bed bugs, Chicken mites, Intestinal canthariasis, Hymenolespiasis, West Nile Virus

Karni Mata Temple, Rajasthan, India. This ornate, isolated Hindu temple was constructed as a tribute to the rat goddess, Karni Mata. Intricate marble panels line the entrance and the floors, and silver and gold decorations are found throughout. The floors are a living tangle of undulating fur as small, gray and brown blurs of living rats scurry across marble floors. Thousands of rats scamper over their feet and dine with the pilgrims.

10 Diseases Transmitted Through Exposure to Rats: Hantavirus, Pulmonary Syndrome, Murine Typhus, Streptobacillus moniliformis, Salmonella, Enterica Serovar, Typhoid, Leptospirosis, Eosinophilic Meningitis, Plauge

Wall of Gum, Seattle, Washington. What had started as visitors began simply sticking their gum to the wall while waiting in line in the 1990s has become bizarre tradition at Seattle's Market Theatre in Post Alley. Now it has turned into an intriguing yet very germy attraction: a giant wall of gum, resulting in a colorful if somewhat gross sight after nearly two decades of gum gathering. Some more artistic visitors have even sculpted shapes and faces out of their masticated gum.

13 Diseases Transmitted Through Saliva: Commons Cold
, Flu, Upper Resperatory Infection, Meningitis, Bacterial Meningitis, Mononucleosis, Epstein-Barr viruss, Cold sores, Cytomegalovirus, Molluscum Contagiosum, Hepatitis B, Chronic Hepatitis B, Polio

Blarney Stone, Blarney Ireland. Five miles North West of the city of Cork is the village of Blarney. Near the village, standing almost 90 feet in height is the castle of Blarney with its world-famous Blarney Stone. Nearly half a million people come to kiss the Blarney Stone each year, in the hopes of gaining more eloquent speech.

7 Diseases transmitted through kissing: Upper respiratory tract infections, Glandular fever, Herpes infection, Hepatitis B, Warts, Meningococcal disease, Tooth decay


Saturday, June 20, 2009

5 Subtle Warning Signs Your Husband Might Be Cheating On You

If you find a book on your husband’s nightstand entitled “How to Cheat on Your Wife and Not Get Caught”, Your Husband Might Be Cheating on You...

If your he tells you that he is flying first class to a corporate retreat to a five star hotel in Maui with his new secretary, (who is a young, tall, buxom former Miss Florida Tan) but he tells you the company has booked them in the same room to save money, Your Husband Might Be Cheating on You...

If you only do you sleep in separate bedrooms, but now there is a strange woman sleeping in there with him, Your Husband Might Be Cheating on You...

You over hear your him bragging on the phone about how great the sex with Wendy is, but your name is Sally, Your Husband Might Be Cheating on You...

While you are walking out the door with your overnight bag heading to your mother's house for the weekend, he is lighting candles, chilling wine, sprinkling rose petals on your bed, playing romantic music on the sound system and telling you to “have a great time this weekend”, Your Husband Might Be Cheating on You...

Friday, June 19, 2009

Why You Should Always Do A Background Check Before You Say "I Do"

Wedding canceled over porn secret
Former fiance issues an apology
By LILY FU, Special Contributor

LONDON - A woman has decided to cancel her wedding after finding out her fiance is a porn star.

The Telegraph reports that Haylie Hockling, 27, found out that Jason Brake, 30, was making adult movies without her knowledge just weeks before the big day. Hockling found out about his secret life after her friend who was organizing her bachelorette party was searching for male strippers online. She came across a porn movie that featured Brake and another woman.

"There was no way I could marry an adult film star," Hockling said. "I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again."

Brake had told Hockling that he was a personal trainer and admitted to her that he was making films on the side before they met. "The sex side is purely for the camera, but Haylie did not understand I was only acting," Brake said. "I am sorry and did not want to hurt her. I still love Haylie and would have stopped doing porn if she had asked me to."
(PS - this picture is not Jason Brake - its Mark Spitz)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

6 Common Mistakes Native Jungle Cannibals Make and How You Can Avoid Them

Human flesh provides the much needed protein and salt to native jungle tribes that they lack that in their typical jungle diet. Unfortunately, human flesh can also be the most difficult item on the menu to procure, as lost jungle explorers come across your neck of the jungle rarely, and attacks on other native jungle tribes can result in heavy casualties and loss of life.

Therefore, as precious as human victims are, it is very important to take care of your human flesh that you do manage to obtain. Here are six ways you can avoid ruining your tribe’s cannibalistic feast and create a savvy and sophisticated way of preparing the best meal they have ever had.

Select the very best people to eat. Take great care and only prepare the best cuts of human flesh. The best meat should be firm and fine grained, and only slightly marbled with fat. The fat should be firm and creamy white. Avoid eating people that are too skinny, to muscular or morbidly obese.

Prepare enough human flesh to feed your whole tribe. Boneless meat, whole or ground: Prepare 1/3 pound per member of your tribe, or meat with bone, such as the thigh or ribs, prepare ½ pound per person. If you have one or more potential sumo wrestlers or football players in your tribe, you may need to prepare more!

Properly prepare and store your meat. Always prepare human flesh at room temperature, as this will be sure to seal in the natural juices and flavor. Fresh meat is always the best, so never leave it out in the jungle overnight unwrapped. Charcoal fires should be started well in advance of grilling the human and allowed to burn down until the coals are gray all over. Rainforest hardwood charcoal briquettes give the best results.

Do not over or undercook your human flesh. Most native jungle tribes prefer to cook people on a rotisserie style over an open fire outside. If this is a case, make sure you use a meat thermometer, particularly if the temperature varies with wind and weather. Also consider cooking your human flesh as a delicious stew. Remember, stews should never be allowed to boil. Cook your victim just at the simmering point, or barely bubbling for maximum flavor.

Carefully carve and then serve your meat. Ribs are often the hardest part of a person to carve and serve. The cut side should be up and the ribs should be on the carver’s left. Insert a carving fork deep into he flesh between the two ribs. Cut horizontally to the rib bone. With the tip of the knife, cut along the length of the rib bone, freeing slices of meat from bone.

A good cannibalistic meal can be made even better simply by providing a grand presentation. Often one extra pinch of spice, a dash of pepper or nutmeg and a drop of lemon can make your human flesh perfect. Sauces are often a simple way to add zip to your meal, so consider serving your victim with a robust cream sauce. Finally, add a simple yet elegant garnish as the closing touch to your delicious meal.

Bon Appetite!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Calvin’s 7 Lucky Ways to Save More Money by Spending Less

Saving money - anyone can do it! Here are my strategies for saving more by spending less. How much you save has little to do with how much you make, so forget the excuses; here's a road map I have developed for finding money by saving the money you didn't know you had.

1. I do not exercise. In fact, I try not to move very much during the day at all. By remaining completely motionless for most of the day, I do not burn away precious calories that I have to replenish by buying food to eat.

2. I save a lot of money by taking long hot showers. If you take short, cold showers the goose bumps will wear away the bar of soap faster. It’s like running cheese over a cheese grater! By taking a nice hot shower, you let the hot water remove most of the dirt, and slow the wear and tear on the bar of soap. Saving soap = saving money!

3. I avoid all occasions where I am required to “tip” a service employee. I save a lot of money by never going to coffee shops, bars, restaurants, hotels, airports, delis, or ordering food to be delivered to my home, or going on vacation, riding in taxis, having my car washed, having my carpets steam cleaned, taking my laundry to the wash and fold or going to my favorite Chinese Take Out.

4. I try to spend as much time as I can completely naked. This way, I save precious time and money not having to launder my clothes as often.

5. I always slice my pizza into 12 pieces rather than 8 pieces. By doing so, I have 4 additional slices of pizza to eat. I also like to cut my hamburger into 4 pieces rather than just two. You would be amazed at how much two additional pieces really curb my appetite. This simple solution really helps stretch out the “fast food” budget.

6. I have become a devout Jehovah’s Witness. By doing so, I no longer have to recognize Christmas or my family and friends’ birthdays’. I save a great deal of money not having to buy those pesky cards and gifts because of my new religious convictions.

7. I try to sleep between 10 to 12 hours each day, and even more on weekends. I also try to nap as frequently as possible. When I am not tired, I take sleeping pills to assist the natural process. I cannot spend money if I am sleeping, and as I always say, a penny saved is a penny earned.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Reading between the Lines: 10 Warning Signs You Maybe, Probably, Most Likely Are about to be Fired

If your boss asks you to turn in your keys, your ID badge, and all the company property that you might possess, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

When Human Resources suddenly schedules you to attend a workshop entitled “Finding a New Job During a Tough Economy”, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

If, while you are sitting at your computer shopping online and checking your facebook page you hear security being called over the intercom system to escort you out of the building, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

If your supervisor slaps a restraining order on you, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

When browsing for jobs on your work computer that you might want to apply for, you discover your own job posted on Craigslist.org, the local newspaper’s employment ads, and your company’s internal job postings bulletin board, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

If your co-workers throw you a huge goodbye party, but fail to invite you to it, or even to tell you about it, then you maybe, probably, are most likely about to be fired.

When your best client has you arrested for lewd conduct, but you don't remember doing anything that she claims because you accidently drugged your own drink instead of hers at the company client appreciation party then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

When you are asked by your boss to train the “hot new talent” the “in’s and out’s” of your job, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

Your bosses’ underage daughter’s paternity test names you as the father of her unborn baby, and he follows you to the abortion clinic where he storms in and confronts you in the waiting room while you are waiting for the appointment that you paid for on the company credit card, then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

If you discover that work area is sealed off with yellow “Crime Scene: Do Not Cross” tape and your desk being dusted for fingerprints while your computer is being "confiscated for further investigation", then you maybe, probably, most likely are about to be fired.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

10 Questions to Stimulate Conversation on a First Date

The first date is often the hardest. Here you are, talking with a virtual stranger with very few obvious commonalities or history, forced together in a social setting, trying to get to know each other while trying to impress one another. Personally, the worst part of a first date is the awkward pauses in conversation when you both run out of things to talk about.

I always say, it is best to be prepared! I recommend having some stimulating questions memorized that you can ask to ask to keep the conversation going. I have compiled my personal favorite 10 first date questions, which are light and topical, yet will break the ice, help you find out a little bit about your date, and allow you have a little fun while you are doing it. They have been hugely successful for me, and it is my hope they will be as successful for you.

1. Have you had any type of exotic parasite?

2. What is the strangest thing you have put in your mouth?

3. What is the more terrifying possibility, that there is no God, or that there is a God, but he just doesn’t care?

4. If given the choice, would you rather admit that you are a liar or an idiot?

5. Who do you think was the hottest Republican First Lady: Nancy Reagan, Barbara Bush or Laura Bush?

6. If civilization were to collapse, and only your family has managed to survive, which one of your siblings would you reproduce with in order to repopulate the Earth?

7. What is the distinction you make between the concepts of Justice and Revenge?

8. What is your favorite dinosaur?

9. What is the most illegal activity you feel comfortable doing regularly?

10. What motivates you act in an ethical manner: the fear of punishment, the desire to acclimate to social norms, or because doing Good is reward in itself?
These are my favorite first date questions - I would love to hear yours!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Things to Avoid – Collecting Wild Parsnips for Your Salad

Allow me to introduce the Water Hemlock (cicuta maculate). Although it looks like an attractive, but not altogether interesting wildflower, this is the most poisonous and deadly plant native to North America. This particular wildflower, which grows to 6 feet tall, is found primarily throughout the Great Lakes region, but has been found all over the continent as it thrives along stream banks, in marshy areas, and in low-lying, damp meadows. The Water Hemlock has purple-striped leaves and tall flower stalks topped with clusters of tiny white flowers and strikes a curious resemblance to Water Parsnips.

The problem is this: Water Parsnips are edible. Water Hemlock is not.
The poison contained in the water hemlock is called cicutoxin, and it is present in the entire plant, but is most concentrated in the roots. Anyone who confuses the roots of the plant with parsnips and decides to take a bite faces the onset of rapid illness and a ghastly, violent death.

The cicutoxin contained in the plant causes violent and painful cramps, seizures, nausea, intense vomiting, and muscle tremors. Those who survive the poisoning experience long-term health conditions, such as kidney damage and amnesia.
The Water Hemlock is a highly poisonous plant. It is so toxic that it is recommended that you wash your hands even after handling it. Certainly do not taste any part of it, absolutely no amount of water hemlock root is considered safe to ingest.
So, thank you for offering to garnish the delicious salad you made for me with the wild parsnips you collected yourself this morning! But I think I will just go straight to the entrée.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Smile! 10 Methods I Employ That Will Help You Cope with the Paparazzi

Has the constant aggravation of being followed by the paparazzi got you down? Is being under the constant scrutiny of the public become almost more than you can bear? Since beginning “Calvin’s Nuggets of Wisdom” I have been bombarded by questions by celebrities on the best ways to deal with the constant harassment by the paparazzi.

No one knows more than me how bothersome it can be having a crowd of photographers follow your every move. Every day I find them hiding in strange places, trying to get a picture of me getting out of the back seat of my limo not wearing underwear or me at the beach in my favorite Speedo with my love handles hanging out. When you have been as famous for as long as I have, you learn a few tricks to keep the paparazzi off your tail.

I ask you – when was the last time you remember seeing my photograph outside the Viper Room in People Magazine? You don’t – and I will tell you why. My 10 methods of dealing with the paparazzi are downright ironclad effective! I have decided to share them with you in order to help you avoid the paparazzi as well as I have for all these years.

Only wear outfits made completely of highly reflective materials, such as aluminum foil, mirrored tiles, or highly polished silver on very bright sunny days
. This way, any photographs of you will show only a glowing orb of light.

Consider alternately running really fast and then moving really slow when the paparazzi follow you. Although it may look like you are having some type of seizure, the benefit is that the paparazzi will be unable to keep the aperture consistent with your movements and the photographs will turn out blurry.

Hire nude models to juggle flaming chainsaws on unicycles to crash every event you attend. Try to time their entrance with the time you arrive, as to draw the photographers attention away from you.

Sell better pictures of yourself to the magazine doing really scandalous things so that the paparazzi’s pictures become worthless in comparison.

Disguise yourself as photographer. This way, you can move unnoticed among them like a paparazzi phantom and mock them as they wait for you to arrive on the red carpet.

Get that cloak of invisibility from Harry Potter, that ring of invisibility from The Lord of the Rings, or any magical other object that will make you invisible. By acquiring one of these objects you will be able to mingle freely undetected with the bourgeois.

Become a famous biographer, a cutting edge botanist or a Nobel Prize winner in Physics. Paparazzi rarely take the time stalk them out for photographs.

Keep a jar of Vaseline on you at all times. When the photographers get close, rub the Vaseline on their lens and then run like hell.

Become a famous vampire. Not only do you not show up on film, but you could turn into a bat and fly away from the paparazzi as the need arises.

Hire paparazzi to follow the paparazzi who follow you. Have pictures taken of them around the clock: photograph them eating out, going on dates, and spending time at the beach. Teach them a lesson of what it feels like to have their cellulite exposed, their romantic indiscretions revealed, and their poor fashion choices photographed 24 hours a day.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Some Easy Steps That Will Keep You From Being Eaten by a Giant Carnivorous Plant

Let’s face it, giant carnivorous plants are downright scary! What can be more terrifying then being ensnared by green creeping prehensile vines, forced into a vegetative mouth filled with thousands of sharp thorn-like teeth, ground down into a bloody paste, and then slowly dissolved and absorbed by the digestive juices of a giant carnivorous plant? Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

Fortunately for all of us, unless you are an insect or a small invertebrate, the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant are fairly small. However, if there is a chance, it is better to be prepared then to be caught ill-equipped and become a tasty snack for a ravenous shrub.

That is why I have come up with some simple yet effective steps to avoid being eaten by a giant carnivorous plant.

First, try to avoid all wet, swampy, tropical locations overgrown with vegetation. Carnivorous plants generally prefer living in the jungles and rainforests found in the steamy tropics. If you truly want to cut the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant, you may want to stay away from these regions altogether. In order to be safer, stay in heavily urban areas that are totally covered in concrete, in the frozen artic regions at the north and south poles, in the middle of a waterless arid desert, or some other place where the environment is so harsh that no vegetation can survive.

Sometimes it is impossible to avoid those wet, swampy, tropical locations that are loaded with giant carnivorous plants. If this is the case, consider carrying a machete, a crossbow, and a quiver full of arrows attached to long ropes with you at all times. The machete itself should have a heavy and sturdy handle and the blade should be well weighted and sharp. If the plant somehow separates you and your machete, it is a great idea to have a crossbow as a backup. This way, you can shoot the arrows that are attached to strong ropes into the trunk of a thick tree and pull yourself free of gaping jaws of the carnivorous plant.

Another effective method of survival is to completely avoid detection by the giant carnivorous plant by wearing camouflage clothing. Since carnivorous plants thrive on the flesh of living animals, most will not be tempted to eat another plant. Therefore, it is wise to dress like a plant! It might even be a good idea to accessorize with some sprigs of real plants and flowers stuck into your clothing and hat. However, wearing camouflage may lead to another equally terrifying yet not often talked about possibility: Being Eaten by Cannibalistic Vegetarian Vegetation. We will deal with this horror at another time.

Finally, and most importantly the best way to avoid being eaten by a carnivorous plant is to carry weed killer, such as big vats of Round-Up or liquid bleach strapped to your back with a pump action spray . When attacked, apply generously to the roots of the plant and then run like hell.
Picture provided by http://www.botany.org/. Copyright © The Botanical Society of America.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Things to Avoid: Squatting anywhere in Baja California

Let me introduce you to the baja worm lizard, known as an 'ajolote' in its native Baja California. The Baja Worm Lizard (Bipes biporus) is actually a very cool critter. Despite a superficial resemblance to a worm, Baja Worm Lizards are actually amphisbaenians, a suborder of reptile closely related to lizards and snakes. These subterranean creatures usually do not grow much more than 8" in length. Their two powerful front legs (Baja Worm Lizards only have two legs) allow them to tunnel efficiently through the top foot or so of soil in order to hunt grubs, ants, termites, and other insects.

Some people believe that if a person sits on the ground naked, one of these may burrow up from the ground and enter their digestive system through their anus. This legend, though not proven to be true, is still too horrible a possibility to ignore. Although the legend many possibly be intended to teach children to keep up off the dirt to stay cleaner, the next time I visit Baja California, I plan on keeping my anus very far above the ground.