Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Some Easy Steps That Will Keep You From Being Eaten by a Giant Carnivorous Plant

Let’s face it, giant carnivorous plants are downright scary! What can be more terrifying then being ensnared by green creeping prehensile vines, forced into a vegetative mouth filled with thousands of sharp thorn-like teeth, ground down into a bloody paste, and then slowly dissolved and absorbed by the digestive juices of a giant carnivorous plant? Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

Fortunately for all of us, unless you are an insect or a small invertebrate, the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant are fairly small. However, if there is a chance, it is better to be prepared then to be caught ill-equipped and become a tasty snack for a ravenous shrub.

That is why I have come up with some simple yet effective steps to avoid being eaten by a giant carnivorous plant.

First, try to avoid all wet, swampy, tropical locations overgrown with vegetation. Carnivorous plants generally prefer living in the jungles and rainforests found in the steamy tropics. If you truly want to cut the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant, you may want to stay away from these regions altogether. In order to be safer, stay in heavily urban areas that are totally covered in concrete, in the frozen artic regions at the north and south poles, in the middle of a waterless arid desert, or some other place where the environment is so harsh that no vegetation can survive.

Sometimes it is impossible to avoid those wet, swampy, tropical locations that are loaded with giant carnivorous plants. If this is the case, consider carrying a machete, a crossbow, and a quiver full of arrows attached to long ropes with you at all times. The machete itself should have a heavy and sturdy handle and the blade should be well weighted and sharp. If the plant somehow separates you and your machete, it is a great idea to have a crossbow as a backup. This way, you can shoot the arrows that are attached to strong ropes into the trunk of a thick tree and pull yourself free of gaping jaws of the carnivorous plant.

Another effective method of survival is to completely avoid detection by the giant carnivorous plant by wearing camouflage clothing. Since carnivorous plants thrive on the flesh of living animals, most will not be tempted to eat another plant. Therefore, it is wise to dress like a plant! It might even be a good idea to accessorize with some sprigs of real plants and flowers stuck into your clothing and hat. However, wearing camouflage may lead to another equally terrifying yet not often talked about possibility: Being Eaten by Cannibalistic Vegetarian Vegetation. We will deal with this horror at another time.

Finally, and most importantly the best way to avoid being eaten by a carnivorous plant is to carry weed killer, such as big vats of Round-Up or liquid bleach strapped to your back with a pump action spray . When attacked, apply generously to the roots of the plant and then run like hell.
Picture provided by Copyright © The Botanical Society of America.

No comments:

Post a Comment