Friday, June 5, 2009

Smile! 10 Methods I Employ That Will Help You Cope with the Paparazzi

Has the constant aggravation of being followed by the paparazzi got you down? Is being under the constant scrutiny of the public become almost more than you can bear? Since beginning “Calvin’s Nuggets of Wisdom” I have been bombarded by questions by celebrities on the best ways to deal with the constant harassment by the paparazzi.

No one knows more than me how bothersome it can be having a crowd of photographers follow your every move. Every day I find them hiding in strange places, trying to get a picture of me getting out of the back seat of my limo not wearing underwear or me at the beach in my favorite Speedo with my love handles hanging out. When you have been as famous for as long as I have, you learn a few tricks to keep the paparazzi off your tail.

I ask you – when was the last time you remember seeing my photograph outside the Viper Room in People Magazine? You don’t – and I will tell you why. My 10 methods of dealing with the paparazzi are downright ironclad effective! I have decided to share them with you in order to help you avoid the paparazzi as well as I have for all these years.

Only wear outfits made completely of highly reflective materials, such as aluminum foil, mirrored tiles, or highly polished silver on very bright sunny days
. This way, any photographs of you will show only a glowing orb of light.

Consider alternately running really fast and then moving really slow when the paparazzi follow you. Although it may look like you are having some type of seizure, the benefit is that the paparazzi will be unable to keep the aperture consistent with your movements and the photographs will turn out blurry.

Hire nude models to juggle flaming chainsaws on unicycles to crash every event you attend. Try to time their entrance with the time you arrive, as to draw the photographers attention away from you.

Sell better pictures of yourself to the magazine doing really scandalous things so that the paparazzi’s pictures become worthless in comparison.

Disguise yourself as photographer. This way, you can move unnoticed among them like a paparazzi phantom and mock them as they wait for you to arrive on the red carpet.

Get that cloak of invisibility from Harry Potter, that ring of invisibility from The Lord of the Rings, or any magical other object that will make you invisible. By acquiring one of these objects you will be able to mingle freely undetected with the bourgeois.

Become a famous biographer, a cutting edge botanist or a Nobel Prize winner in Physics. Paparazzi rarely take the time stalk them out for photographs.

Keep a jar of Vaseline on you at all times. When the photographers get close, rub the Vaseline on their lens and then run like hell.

Become a famous vampire. Not only do you not show up on film, but you could turn into a bat and fly away from the paparazzi as the need arises.

Hire paparazzi to follow the paparazzi who follow you. Have pictures taken of them around the clock: photograph them eating out, going on dates, and spending time at the beach. Teach them a lesson of what it feels like to have their cellulite exposed, their romantic indiscretions revealed, and their poor fashion choices photographed 24 hours a day.

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