Tuesday, August 18, 2009

10 Easy Steps to Determine if a Man is a Homosexual (without Embarrassing Either of You!)

It seems to be getting more and more difficult to determine the sexual preference of the men that you come in contact with in your day to day life. With the advent of the “metro-sexual” and the popularity of wearing tight “Abercrombie & Fitch” clothing, it has become virtually impossible to separate the gays from the straights anymore. It was so easy in the 1970’s and 1980’s! Just take a look at their mustache, their tiny “Daisy Duke” cut off jean shorts and their white ribbed “wife beater” tank tops and it was easy to pick them out, especially when vacationing on Fire Island, West Hollywood or in P-town. Now, as the modern straight man takes better care of personal appearances, working out more and more and dressing snappily, I have come up with 10 very easy and fun steps that will help you find out if the men in your life are gay while saving you both a lot of embarrassment.

1. When speaking to a man you suspect as being a homosexual, pepper your conversation with obscure gay terms and references and watch in turn for their recognition of those same terms. However, if you do not know any obscure gay terms or references, which not only proves without a doubt that you are not gay, but also makes using this method difficult.

2. Speak freely to the person you think might be gay about male genitalia and graphic gay sex acts and gauge how comfortable they are with the discussion. If they seem unperturbed by your cavalier usage of this graphic language, they are probably gay.

3. Talk incessantly to the suspected gay man about all the gay people you know, all the gay movies you love, your support same sex marriage equality and how comfortable you are with “the whole gay thing”. Then stop talking, smile knowingly at them, and wait for a reaction.

4. Break into the home of the alleged homosexual and try to find conclusive evidence of gayness. This might include rainbow flags hung on the walls of their nicely appointed and tastefully decorated pad. All true gay men have these in their homes.

5. Set up some hidden cameras through out your home, and then invite the assumed gay person whom you suspect of being gay over. Leave gay pornographic magazines causally around your home and then excuse yourself to watch the cameras from a remote location. If he tries to steal them, he is probably gay and also certainly a thief.

6. Play the game “Kill, Screw, or Marry” but only use men’s names with the person you think might be gay. If they play along and also only use men as examples, then they are gay.

7. Mention some gay icons, such as Barbara, Liza, or Liz Taylor, and then mention some obviously (to a homosexual) inaccurate facts about one of them. If the alleged homosexual man corrects you, then he has proved without a doubt that he is indeed a homosexual.

8. Vacillate between playing show-tunes and high energy dance music, and see if this so-called gay man knows all the words or are incapable of dancing to the pounding throb of the beat. If he begins to sing or dance, or both, then he is gay.

9. Engage them with conversation about fashion or the arts. If they know a lot about these subjects, then they are certainly gay.

10. Have sex with the man that you suspect might be gay. This is truly the most conclusive way to find out this person’s sexual preference. If you are a male, and the person you are having sex with to see if they are gay is also male, and you have sex, then you pretty much have your answer.

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1 comment:

  1. I only watch Project Runway for the models...really...the models.