Monday, April 27, 2009

10 Helpful Hints on How to Avoid Serial Killers

Whether you are aware of it or not, serial murderers are all around you. Every single person you come in contact has the potential to kill you. The good news is avoiding becoming a victim of one of them is easier than you think. I have compiled a list to help you live a full life, free of fear of being abducted, tortured, raped and killed, and your body defiled by a serial murderer.

1. The easiest way to avoid being murdered by a serial killer is to avoid them altogether. The easiest way to do this is to avoid all single white males with higher then average intelligence who may have trouble holding down jobs, come from abusive and unstable families, that have a history of criminal, psychological or alcoholic histories, especially if they are interested in voyeurism, fetishism and sadomasochistic pornography. They may not all be serial murderers, but hey! Why take the risk?

2. Some occupations seem to attract more serial killers than others. Avoid being a waitress, a flight attendant, a nurse, or a prostitute. Conversely, there are occupations that rarely seem to attract a serial murderer, such as ninja, astronaut, or rodeo clown.

3. Never be alone. Always have a lot of people that you know and trust around you at all times, day and night. If being alone is unavoidable, or if you are around people you do not know well, then draw as much attention to yourself as possible in any way you can. Some great ideas include playing an instrument while you are alone the bagpipes, alternate between laughing uncontrollably and sobbing inconsolably, or wear your underwear on the outside of your clothing.

4. Do not have blonde hair. Blondes are often targeted by serial killers. Avoid having red hair as well, as that is a popular color targeted. It is not always great to have brunet hair. If possible, do not have any hair at all.

5. Avoid internet hookups with people you do not know, especially if you meet them on popular websites such as or

6. It is a bad idea to enter a basement, attic, crawlspace, van or underground dungeon of someone you met hitchhiking.

7. Many serial killers are sexually motivated to murder. Try not to be sexy or attractive in any way. In fact, if you can make yourself so repulsive as to drive away everyone, you will also be repulsing the serial murderers as well!

8. Do not associate with people with two first names. Billy Bob, John Wayne, Bobbi Joe, etc. If they are not murders, then they are probably annoying, so you win either way.

9. Many serial killers kill many people in a violent murderous rampage. Avoid post offices, high schools, or human resource departments.

10. Oddly, certain geographic locations seem to have more serial murders than others, so it is a great idea to move to an area that serial murders seem never to happen in. Antarctica, outer space, and Uzbekistan have no recorded instances of serial murder.

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1 comment:

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