Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Just kill ‘em with kindness...

As a young boy, when I would complain about those that made me mad, my Gramma would always reply, “Calvin, just kill ‘em with kindness.” I never understood what she meant.

Now that I am older, I totally understand what she was trying to tell me with her simple, uncomplicated axiom. “Just kill “em with kindness” is a perfect strategy to deploy when dealing with your enemies. It is a subtle way of turning situations with your enemies to your advantage; it just begins with a kind gesture of some type.

It’s not as easy as it might seem. In order to help, I have come up with 5 creative ways in which you too can “Just kill ‘em with kindness”.

Hug your enemy. Make sure when you hug them that you squeeze tightly enough to snap their spine, puncture their lungs and suffocate them. For good measure, stab them in the back before you release your embrace.

Send your enemy flowers. Everyone loves receiving flowers, even those that you do not like! However, when you send them to your enemy make sure that an entire hive of crazed and angry killer bees is hidden somewhere in the bouquet.

Cook for your enemy a delicious gourmet meal. When you serve it to them, make sure it is laced generously with a deadly poison. I often garnish their food with broken glass, just for fun.

Give your enemy an expensive new car as a gift. Who doesn’t love the feel of a sleek new car beneath them as they dangerously race along precarious cliffs overlooking the ocean when it’s foggy and rainy with a chance of sleet? Just remember to cut the break lines before they take it on its first test run.

Leave an adorable baby puppy wrapped up in a blanket nestled in a basket at your enemy’s doorstep. What is cuter than a baby puppy? A baby puppy wrapped in a blanket nestled in a basket, that’s what! The sight of this sweet little puppy would make anyone feel better, unless you lace the baby puppy’s basket and sleeping basket with a highly contagious and fatal biological weapon such as anthrax or smallpox that is!

As you can see, killing your enemies with kindness does not need to be difficult in order to be effective. All you need is a kind heart and a little creativity. Good luck!

*Authors note. Please do not really do any of these, and then sue me. Thanks!

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