Wednesday, September 23, 2009

5 Easy & Quick Ways to Flatten Your Tummy

You look at it every day and wish it would just go away. But it doesn’t. That little pouch surrounding your belly button that keeps staring back, laughing and mocking you and all your pathetic attempts to get rid of it. You starve yourself, you do crunches, you do sit ups… yet there it is just “flopping around.”
There are all sorts of cute names for it: snack pouch, spare tire, love handles; the list go on. All you know is that it is not cute and you want it gone. However, just doing exercises all day and dieting will not get rid of the excess fat that you have around your waistline.
The following are 5 easy and quick methods I have developed that will help you gain the toned, flat stomach that you have been craving.

1. Tattoo abs directly onto your stomach. Getting those washboard abs is nearly impossible, especially for those who like to eat cheese and drink beer as much as I do. However, did you know that it is possible to get exactly the same look from the tattoo parlor as it is from the gym? Forget those crunches and go ahead and enjoy your beer! Just find a talented tattoo artist to draw in the stomach of your dreams.

2. Wear Antebellum or Empire Period Dresses, each with a corset. Those women of the late 1700’s and early 1800’s knew exactly what they were doing. Even though they are looks currently NOT in style, the hourglass figure they will give you is ALWAYS in fashion. Unfortunately, this is not as flattering a look for most men.

3. Constantly suck in your gut. It is a great habit to get into: walking around straight and tall, sucking in your gut the entire time. If you suck in deep enough, you will totally fool everyone that you are fit as a fiddle! (Until you need to exhale, that is.)

4. Wear really wide pirate belts and cummerbunds with every outfit. Flatten your tummy by hiding your tummy! A really wide belt or cummerbund is a fun fashionable way to force the fat back inside the contours of your clothing. Don’t be afraid to always wear your belt or cummerbund in potentially awkward places such as at to the office, the beach or at the nudist colony. In fact, those are often the places it is most important to flatten your tummy.

5. Be seen only with the morbidly obese. Flatten your stomach by having much larger stomachs draw the attention away from yours. The fatter your friends, the more healthy and fit you will look like in contrast. So, go ahead, enjoy that donut! Just make sure your friends have two.

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1 comment:

  1. Ah, this is my life's struggle (and I'm a low calorie eating vegetarian) :)
    The 5th advice is the best one :) but I think I'll go with the period dress, I just have to find one in some colour suitable for my complexion, and hope that other people in my town will just consider it a dashing posh new trend ;)