Are you tired of the rat race? Are you sick of your seemingly endless and smelly commute on long stretches of highway to an unrewarding and unfulfilling job? Do you find yourself fantasizing about slaying all those you work with because you are brutalized by the office politics you face on a daily basis? Are you tired of the constant grind of pressure that comes from working in a cubicle as a faceless number enslaved by the power of unmitigated corporate greed? Then perhaps you should consider working from home. Make a healthy lifestyle change that will make you a happier and more fulfilled person. For your convenience I have compiled a list of remarkable jobs you should consider pursuing. These jobs will enable you to live and work from the same wonderful place: you own home.
1. President of the United States. This is the single greatest job you can do from your home, if your home happens to be 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
2. Marijuana Horticulturalist. Are you equally good with plants as you are with people? Do you enjoy the quiet life of the farmer as much as the adventure of living with extreme risk to your personal well being? Then perhaps a career in growing and dealing pot might just be for you. Just add some sunshine and rain and you can make your home into a green house of fun! If this appeals to you, also consider becoming a Meth Lab technician.
3. Funeral Home Director. This is an easy way to make ‘dying’ your ‘living’. Open your home up to whacky world of wakes and watch the money come pouring into your home.
4. Pope. Bishop of Rome. Vicar of Jesus Christ. Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. Ruling Sovereign of the Vatican State. Whatever your favorite title is, this is a great job that allows you to work from your home, which just happens to also be small principality nestled within the city of Rome, Italy. Although this job is extremely hard to get, the benefits and compensation are unmatched. Also, once you get this job you literally have this job for life!
5. Ghost. This is a great home career option for those who like to work late at night. Particularly for those who like to work bumping around late at night, while moving household items around and clomping around dimly lit stairways and hallways.
6. Cloistered Monk. Live, eat and pray each and every day safe within the beautiful confines of elegant stone walls and manicured gardens. You will have all your meals, medical care, and all of your personal needs taken care of for the rest of your life for the low cost of extreme personal poverty and a lifetime of abstinence from any type of sexual activity.
7. Fake ID Maker. The fulfillment you will receive to help those on the fringe move back into the welcoming arms of society will be worth having a home office in the seediest part of town. Just try to imagine all the job satisfaction you will get working with sketchy folks and welcoming them back onto the grid.
8. Crazy Computer Virus Programmer. Unleash your creativity from the comfort of your own home. Grow your beard out to crazy lengths. Work wearing only your coffee stained t-shirt and underpants. Disregard all personal hygiene! Who cares? You’re a crazy computer virus programmer!!
9. Faith Healer. Do you like people? Have you ever considered a career in health care? Do you have a gift of healing the sick by merely touching them with your miraculous hands? Then sit back in your easy chair and watch the lines of the sick and the disabled come to your front door. Make sure you have your donation box ready!
10. Oracle. Telling the future from your home is a great way to make a living, just ask those virgins at Delphi!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
SHHH! How to Quiet the Voices in Your Head
Do you hear voices in your head? Do they speak to you, offering you occasional advice or a running commentary of your daily activities? Sometimes, those pesky voices in you head can become too loud and too demanding. Often, it is hard to even hear yourself think over their constant bickering, pestering, and nagging. Personally, the voices become most bothersome when I am alone late at night, holding myself as I am rocking back and forth on the floor. However, I do not let this get me down! I have decided to share how I quiet the voices that I hear in my head in order to help you do the same.
1. Give the voices in your head something quiet to read.
2. Teach the voices in your head to sing four part harmony, like a barbershop quartet.
3. Write a play for the voices that they can act out.
4. Have your voices re-enact scenes from your favorite movies and TV shows.
5. Teach your voices sign language. When they become chatty, encourage them to sign for you.
6. Envision your mind with a volume control or a mute button. Then place the voices in your head on mute.
7. Wear a sound proofed helmet at all times.
8. Create some imaginary quiet hobbies for your voices such as origami, scrap-booking, or crocheting
9. Imagine that the voices in your head belong to mimes. Then when they talk, remind them they are mimes and should not be talking, then force them into a glass box and walk away.
10. Create a vacuum in your mind. Remember, sound does not travel in a vacuum.
11. Create a delicious meal in your mind. Gorgeous spread with all the favorite dishes of the voices in your head. Now imagine that the food is laced with sleeping pills.
12. Create a nation-state in your mind. Then stage a mental coup, declare yourself dictator for life of your mental nation, then repeal any personal freedoms your voices currently enjoy, such as freedom of speech and freedom of expression. When the voices protest, have them arrested, tortured, tried and then executed. Returning your mind to a republic after the voices have been removed is your option.
1. Give the voices in your head something quiet to read.
2. Teach the voices in your head to sing four part harmony, like a barbershop quartet.
3. Write a play for the voices that they can act out.
4. Have your voices re-enact scenes from your favorite movies and TV shows.
5. Teach your voices sign language. When they become chatty, encourage them to sign for you.
6. Envision your mind with a volume control or a mute button. Then place the voices in your head on mute.
7. Wear a sound proofed helmet at all times.
8. Create some imaginary quiet hobbies for your voices such as origami, scrap-booking, or crocheting
9. Imagine that the voices in your head belong to mimes. Then when they talk, remind them they are mimes and should not be talking, then force them into a glass box and walk away.
10. Create a vacuum in your mind. Remember, sound does not travel in a vacuum.
11. Create a delicious meal in your mind. Gorgeous spread with all the favorite dishes of the voices in your head. Now imagine that the food is laced with sleeping pills.
12. Create a nation-state in your mind. Then stage a mental coup, declare yourself dictator for life of your mental nation, then repeal any personal freedoms your voices currently enjoy, such as freedom of speech and freedom of expression. When the voices protest, have them arrested, tortured, tried and then executed. Returning your mind to a republic after the voices have been removed is your option.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
A New "Wash Me" Paradigm: What to do with unsightly dirty car windows
Well, for instance, you can do what artist Scott Wade of San Marcos, TX does...
By carefully and artfully removing portions of the dirt,
you can creat beautiful art!
By carefully and artfully removing portions of the dirt,
you can creat beautiful art!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Milk the Cash Cow: 10 Fun and Fast Ways to Make Extra Money in Your Spare Time
Let’s face it – times are tough right now. Most people are finding it harder and harder to make ends meet. However, there are plenty of ways to add a few dollars to your empty pockets. Don’t waste your time trying to find a second job or making your current job more profitable. All the good jobs are taken already, and why work harder when you can just work smarter? All it takes is some determination and some extra time and soon you will be rolling in the cash you make from following my tips.
1. Blackmail your co-workers. Most of the people you work with are lowlife losers with skeletons in their closets that they would rather not have anyone know about. With a little time and some crafty investigating, you can uncover all their deepest darkest secrets and extort them for money in return for your silence. If you are in the small minority of people whose co-workers are completely innocent of any crime or embarrassing situations that would get them fired, then you may want to consider framing them for a crime that they did not commit. Remember, the more co-workers you blackmail, the more money you can make! Soon the cash will come flowing in!
2. Sell nude photos of yourself on the Internet. It seems like everyone enjoys pictures of naked people and are willing to pay top dollar for them! People have been selling and buying naked pictures of people since man could draw naked women on the inside of their cave walls after the big hunt was over and everyone settled down to east some wholly mammoth around the big fire. If you yourself are really unattractive, then consider selling nude photos of your family and friends. Just remember not to tell them, otherwise they will unfairly want some of the money you made from the sale.
3. Read to the blind, then demand payment for your time. This can be a fun and profitable way to catch up on all those books you have been meaning to read anyway.
4. Sell your internal organs. Fortunately, God has blessed us with two of most of our organs, seemingly so that we can sell the extra one that we have! For those rare organs we only have one of, we are lucky that we get even more money for them. Make sure you consult your doctor before you sell your organs, just to make sure that you can survive without the organ you are planning to sell.
5. Scam very old, the incredibly young, and the really gullible out of their money. You would be surprised as to how many old, young and gullible people there are with lots of money. It is my experience that with the right kind of scam, it is really easy to trick them out of a great deal of cash. At first, it might seem wrong to take all their earnings in this way. Although you are taking their money, you are also teaching them a valuable life lesson, and honestly, can we put a price tag on quality education?
6. Rent the spare space you have in your home out to total strangers. If you have extra space, consider renting it out to folks who are in need of a place to stay. A couch, an attic, the crawlspace beneath your porch; these places are all potential money makers for you and someone desperate enough to pay just to get out of the wind and rain.
7. Start your own secret taxi company. It’s really easy! Just make a card board sign, paste it to your car door and go to places where people need rides and charge them for a lift. I suggest inner city bars after closing time and bus stations late at night as some really profitable places to find friendly folks who need rides.
8. Hot glue and stencil stuff on your junk and sell them as 'crafts'. Don’t just throw your crap away, stencil a goose on it, or hot glue a red, white and blue sequined American Flag on it and then sell it. People love to buy crafts, and to many, its an addiction. They can't help but pay for crap that other (less savvy) people would just throw away. Just remember: as much money as you make selling your junk as "crafts" you can make even more if you call it “art".
9. Plunder and pillage small coastal fishing villages. Do you enjoy being outdoors and on the water especially on those warm, sunny summer days? Then this method of making extra cash is the one for you! Plundering and pillaging was very successful for the Vikings for centuries, and still is popular today with Somali pirates.
10. Panhandle. As I always say, the direct route is often the best route. Just ask strangers that you meet on the street for money. The key is to be persistent and not take ‘no’ as an answer. You will be surprised how many people will pay you to just go away and leave them alone!
1. Blackmail your co-workers. Most of the people you work with are lowlife losers with skeletons in their closets that they would rather not have anyone know about. With a little time and some crafty investigating, you can uncover all their deepest darkest secrets and extort them for money in return for your silence. If you are in the small minority of people whose co-workers are completely innocent of any crime or embarrassing situations that would get them fired, then you may want to consider framing them for a crime that they did not commit. Remember, the more co-workers you blackmail, the more money you can make! Soon the cash will come flowing in!
2. Sell nude photos of yourself on the Internet. It seems like everyone enjoys pictures of naked people and are willing to pay top dollar for them! People have been selling and buying naked pictures of people since man could draw naked women on the inside of their cave walls after the big hunt was over and everyone settled down to east some wholly mammoth around the big fire. If you yourself are really unattractive, then consider selling nude photos of your family and friends. Just remember not to tell them, otherwise they will unfairly want some of the money you made from the sale.
3. Read to the blind, then demand payment for your time. This can be a fun and profitable way to catch up on all those books you have been meaning to read anyway.
4. Sell your internal organs. Fortunately, God has blessed us with two of most of our organs, seemingly so that we can sell the extra one that we have! For those rare organs we only have one of, we are lucky that we get even more money for them. Make sure you consult your doctor before you sell your organs, just to make sure that you can survive without the organ you are planning to sell.
5. Scam very old, the incredibly young, and the really gullible out of their money. You would be surprised as to how many old, young and gullible people there are with lots of money. It is my experience that with the right kind of scam, it is really easy to trick them out of a great deal of cash. At first, it might seem wrong to take all their earnings in this way. Although you are taking their money, you are also teaching them a valuable life lesson, and honestly, can we put a price tag on quality education?
6. Rent the spare space you have in your home out to total strangers. If you have extra space, consider renting it out to folks who are in need of a place to stay. A couch, an attic, the crawlspace beneath your porch; these places are all potential money makers for you and someone desperate enough to pay just to get out of the wind and rain.
7. Start your own secret taxi company. It’s really easy! Just make a card board sign, paste it to your car door and go to places where people need rides and charge them for a lift. I suggest inner city bars after closing time and bus stations late at night as some really profitable places to find friendly folks who need rides.
8. Hot glue and stencil stuff on your junk and sell them as 'crafts'. Don’t just throw your crap away, stencil a goose on it, or hot glue a red, white and blue sequined American Flag on it and then sell it. People love to buy crafts, and to many, its an addiction. They can't help but pay for crap that other (less savvy) people would just throw away. Just remember: as much money as you make selling your junk as "crafts" you can make even more if you call it “art".
9. Plunder and pillage small coastal fishing villages. Do you enjoy being outdoors and on the water especially on those warm, sunny summer days? Then this method of making extra cash is the one for you! Plundering and pillaging was very successful for the Vikings for centuries, and still is popular today with Somali pirates.
10. Panhandle. As I always say, the direct route is often the best route. Just ask strangers that you meet on the street for money. The key is to be persistent and not take ‘no’ as an answer. You will be surprised how many people will pay you to just go away and leave them alone!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Rise & Shine: 10 Ways to Get Your One Night Stand to Leave
You have found yourself in a “coyote ugly” situation. You took home a guy for a quick roll in the hay after a night on the town. Last night he seemed really hot, but now… you just want him to leave. Fortunately, you do not have to chew your own arm off to escape! I have written down 10 tried and true tricks of getting a man to leave your place that will allow you to have a little fun while you do it.
1. “Operation Home James” I find the direct route often is the best route. Merely ask your one night stand if he has enough cash for a cab while calling a taxi service on your cell for him. Tell him it’s OK to wait for the cab outside. Most one night stands will get the hint that it is time to get ready to leave when they know a cab is on its way to pick them up.
2. “The Octo-Mom Technique” Ask him if he would leave before your 8 children come home for breakfast. Explain to him that it is best if he is not there when the children come home, because it confuses them, as they always hope your newest one night stand is going to be their new daddy.
3. “The Dude Dupe” Treat this dude like the dude he is to get him to leave. Inform him about the contest you had with your college roommate to see who could sleep with the most men in a 24 hour time period. Tell him thanks for his contribution, and that so far you are winning by a landslide!
4. “The Dutch Oven Maneuver” Unfamiliar with the “Dutch Oven Maneuver”? It’s really easy and fun to do! You simply pull the blankets and comforter over both your heads and then fart. The true beauty of this maneuver is that you don’t have to say anything to get your one night stand to leave, let your flatulence do the work for you.
5. “The Ru Paul Ruse” Deepen your voice, then tell him that you think sex with men is so much better now after the sex change operation. You will be entertained by how suddenly most men will leave after hearing this!
6. “Bio Terror Hoax” This hoax will require some props prepared and placed strategically on your night table near your bed beforehand. Reach for a prescription bottle clearly labeled “herpes medication”, pop a pill, shrug, and say 'you should be fine' while you take a drink from a glass of water.
7. “Who’s Your Baby Daddy Strategy?” This one is easy yet very effective. Wonder out loud "hmmm...I wonder if I took any my birth control pills this week?"
8. “The Shot Gun Wedding Scare Tactic” I recommend this tactic especially for the ladies with a flair for acting. First, look him deeply in the eyes, and then tell him that you are madly in love with him. Before he can respond, ask him if his love for you is as deep as yours is for his. Follow up with discussing elaborate plans that you have made for dinner tomorrow night in order for him to meet your parents and your pastor. Explain this is so that he can easily ask your father for your hand in marriage, and perhaps, tie the knot right then at the table. This usually will send a guy running for the hills!
9. “Operation WTF” Ask your one night stand if he would mind role playing next time, tell him that you are a huge Rocky & Bullwinkle fan, wet the bed, then alternate laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably until he leaves.
10. “The NYPD Blues Ploy” Sometimes a well placed ‘mystery’ is more than a one night stand can handle. Tell him that later, if he gets a call from the police to please, please, please pretend he doesn't know you...
1. “Operation Home James” I find the direct route often is the best route. Merely ask your one night stand if he has enough cash for a cab while calling a taxi service on your cell for him. Tell him it’s OK to wait for the cab outside. Most one night stands will get the hint that it is time to get ready to leave when they know a cab is on its way to pick them up.
2. “The Octo-Mom Technique” Ask him if he would leave before your 8 children come home for breakfast. Explain to him that it is best if he is not there when the children come home, because it confuses them, as they always hope your newest one night stand is going to be their new daddy.
3. “The Dude Dupe” Treat this dude like the dude he is to get him to leave. Inform him about the contest you had with your college roommate to see who could sleep with the most men in a 24 hour time period. Tell him thanks for his contribution, and that so far you are winning by a landslide!
4. “The Dutch Oven Maneuver” Unfamiliar with the “Dutch Oven Maneuver”? It’s really easy and fun to do! You simply pull the blankets and comforter over both your heads and then fart. The true beauty of this maneuver is that you don’t have to say anything to get your one night stand to leave, let your flatulence do the work for you.
5. “The Ru Paul Ruse” Deepen your voice, then tell him that you think sex with men is so much better now after the sex change operation. You will be entertained by how suddenly most men will leave after hearing this!
6. “Bio Terror Hoax” This hoax will require some props prepared and placed strategically on your night table near your bed beforehand. Reach for a prescription bottle clearly labeled “herpes medication”, pop a pill, shrug, and say 'you should be fine' while you take a drink from a glass of water.
7. “Who’s Your Baby Daddy Strategy?” This one is easy yet very effective. Wonder out loud "hmmm...I wonder if I took any my birth control pills this week?"
8. “The Shot Gun Wedding Scare Tactic” I recommend this tactic especially for the ladies with a flair for acting. First, look him deeply in the eyes, and then tell him that you are madly in love with him. Before he can respond, ask him if his love for you is as deep as yours is for his. Follow up with discussing elaborate plans that you have made for dinner tomorrow night in order for him to meet your parents and your pastor. Explain this is so that he can easily ask your father for your hand in marriage, and perhaps, tie the knot right then at the table. This usually will send a guy running for the hills!
9. “Operation WTF” Ask your one night stand if he would mind role playing next time, tell him that you are a huge Rocky & Bullwinkle fan, wet the bed, then alternate laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably until he leaves.
10. “The NYPD Blues Ploy” Sometimes a well placed ‘mystery’ is more than a one night stand can handle. Tell him that later, if he gets a call from the police to please, please, please pretend he doesn't know you...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Space Invaders: 10 Strategies That Are Sure to Increase Your Odds of Survival During an Alien Invasion
Contrary to popular belief, it will take more than a homemade helmet made of aluminum foil to protect you from a full scale attack of earth by extraterrestrial invaders. Perhaps one of these 10 strategies will help you survive the assault.
1. Build a deep subterranean refuge. Keep it fully stocked with food, fresh water, and medicine, enough to last for several years. After the aliens have enslaved the entire human population and stripped the planet of all its natural resources, they are likely to move on to another planet. By waiting them out, you can then return to the surface of the earth when they eventually leave. The disadvantage to this strategy is that the earth will be an empty, barren wasteland devoid of water and life when you return to the surface.
2. Evacuate to another planet. Our solar system is a pretty big place (approximately 18,000,000,000,000 miles squared) , so there are plenty of hiding places. Try the asteroid belt, it has plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.
3. Try to blend in with the aliens. If we are attacked by biped, humanoid type creatures, or by an alien species that you can easily sew a costume to look like, then attempt to mingle within their population. Perhaps they will not see through your disguise and leave you alone.
4. Choose the lesser of two evils. Attempt to make contact with a bigger, stronger, smarter and more aggressive alien species than the ones invading earth. Try to convince them to protect our planet in exchange for something less awful the total inhalation of our planet… whatever that might be.
5. Attempt to communicate and then negotiate a peace treaty with the aliens before they attack. It is a good idea to have someone else try this for you, as it typically leads to the death of the person attempting to make contact.
6. Pretend to be another species of animal other than human. Aliens rarely seem interested in enslaving or devouring other animals that we share our planet with. Disguise yourself as a giraffe, a llama or an emus.
7. Have some potent virus at your disposal, either the computer variety or the biological kind. These seem work at foiling the plans of alien conquerors in the movies.
8. Surrender immediately. Use this strategy if you are reasonably certain that they have invaded not so actually eat us, but to merely enslave us. If you are one of the first humans to surrender, you might be lucky enough to get some of the easier slave jobs.
9. Attempt to discover the alien’s weakness or “Achilles Heal”. When you discover what that is, inform the aliens that you will trade a promise not to share this with the earth’s governments for assurance that you will not be vaporized by their laser weapons.
10. Move very far from the United States as possible. I recommend the North or South Poles, or a deserted island in the South Pacific. Alien invaders seem to favor starting the invasion of Earth in the United States, so by the time they make it to the more remote regions of our planet; they may have either been defeated or have lost interest in the invasion.
Although none of these strategies are perfect, perhaps by utilizing one of them or several in combination will increase your chances of survival during the assault on our planet. Good luck – I will see you in the asteroid belt!
1. Build a deep subterranean refuge. Keep it fully stocked with food, fresh water, and medicine, enough to last for several years. After the aliens have enslaved the entire human population and stripped the planet of all its natural resources, they are likely to move on to another planet. By waiting them out, you can then return to the surface of the earth when they eventually leave. The disadvantage to this strategy is that the earth will be an empty, barren wasteland devoid of water and life when you return to the surface.
2. Evacuate to another planet. Our solar system is a pretty big place (approximately 18,000,000,000,000 miles squared) , so there are plenty of hiding places. Try the asteroid belt, it has plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.
3. Try to blend in with the aliens. If we are attacked by biped, humanoid type creatures, or by an alien species that you can easily sew a costume to look like, then attempt to mingle within their population. Perhaps they will not see through your disguise and leave you alone.
4. Choose the lesser of two evils. Attempt to make contact with a bigger, stronger, smarter and more aggressive alien species than the ones invading earth. Try to convince them to protect our planet in exchange for something less awful the total inhalation of our planet… whatever that might be.
5. Attempt to communicate and then negotiate a peace treaty with the aliens before they attack. It is a good idea to have someone else try this for you, as it typically leads to the death of the person attempting to make contact.
6. Pretend to be another species of animal other than human. Aliens rarely seem interested in enslaving or devouring other animals that we share our planet with. Disguise yourself as a giraffe, a llama or an emus.
7. Have some potent virus at your disposal, either the computer variety or the biological kind. These seem work at foiling the plans of alien conquerors in the movies.
8. Surrender immediately. Use this strategy if you are reasonably certain that they have invaded not so actually eat us, but to merely enslave us. If you are one of the first humans to surrender, you might be lucky enough to get some of the easier slave jobs.
9. Attempt to discover the alien’s weakness or “Achilles Heal”. When you discover what that is, inform the aliens that you will trade a promise not to share this with the earth’s governments for assurance that you will not be vaporized by their laser weapons.
10. Move very far from the United States as possible. I recommend the North or South Poles, or a deserted island in the South Pacific. Alien invaders seem to favor starting the invasion of Earth in the United States, so by the time they make it to the more remote regions of our planet; they may have either been defeated or have lost interest in the invasion.
Although none of these strategies are perfect, perhaps by utilizing one of them or several in combination will increase your chances of survival during the assault on our planet. Good luck – I will see you in the asteroid belt!
Monday, May 11, 2009
10 Fresh & Thrilling Places to Meet Eligible Men
Do you feel that you have exhausted the same places everyone else is looking for dates? Everyone is plumbing for the same men at coffee shops, dog parks and AA meetings. It is time to try some fresh places to find nice, eligible bachelors for dating. Here are 10 new places to find men.
1. Construction sites. Are you looking for ambitious and hard working men? Then check out a nearby constuction site is the place to find it in this testosterone ladened Xanadu of manly men.
2. Interstate Truckstops. The best ones in my opinion are the isolated ones on lonely stretches of interstate. This is typically the haunts of hard working, yet perhaps lonely men with very few women around. The competition for dates is nearly non-existent out here, especially late at night.
3. Homeless shelters. Are you looking for your very own diamond in the rough? Then perhaps you need to hang out at more homeless shelters to meet men. Often, these men are on the upswing in their lives. Just think: It can only get better for your future man from here!
4. Funeral Homes. A surprisingly wonderful place to meet men! You do not even need to know the recently deceased person, but certainly some single men will come to pay their respects! You will also garner a glimpse into the family of your future boyfriend as well as gauge their emotional stablity.
5. Loading docks at a sea port. Do you want variety in your men? Or are you excited about seeing something new before anyone else sees it? Than consider spending some time at the loading docks of your local sea port. Be it Boston or Seattle, San Diego or New Orleans, the men getting off these boats are like the Pier One Imports of men!
6. The Great American Appalachian Trail. How about 2175 miles of potential eligible athletic men? Sure, they might smell a bit musky after being on the trail and not bathing for weeks, but think of the strong hard bodies that you will find on the trail while working on your own personal fitness.
7. 24 Hour Breakfast Establishments. Not only a great place to get such favorites as “Moon’s Over my Hammie” or “Adam & Eve on a Raft”, but think of the wonderful, interesting, and exciting people you could meet at 3am over coffee and bacon.
8. Strip Clubs. Clearly, the men in these clubs are looking for wonderful women to spend a lifetime spoiling. At first glance, it may seem if the competition to snag the best bachelors is to strong, but the employee/customer relationship is usually discouraged! You are free to snag the best of the best from those working girls!
9. Laundry Mats. Not only are you sure to meet interesting and artistic types, you will also find some men who are concerned with personal hygiene. That is always a plus in my book!
10. Prison. This is perhaps the best way to make a long term commitment in finding your ideal mate. Spend some quality time writing letters to inmates. Share with each other really intimate details of one another’s lives. In 7 to 10 years, you could have the most wonderful date of all time!
.
1. Construction sites. Are you looking for ambitious and hard working men? Then check out a nearby constuction site is the place to find it in this testosterone ladened Xanadu of manly men.
2. Interstate Truckstops. The best ones in my opinion are the isolated ones on lonely stretches of interstate. This is typically the haunts of hard working, yet perhaps lonely men with very few women around. The competition for dates is nearly non-existent out here, especially late at night.
3. Homeless shelters. Are you looking for your very own diamond in the rough? Then perhaps you need to hang out at more homeless shelters to meet men. Often, these men are on the upswing in their lives. Just think: It can only get better for your future man from here!
4. Funeral Homes. A surprisingly wonderful place to meet men! You do not even need to know the recently deceased person, but certainly some single men will come to pay their respects! You will also garner a glimpse into the family of your future boyfriend as well as gauge their emotional stablity.
5. Loading docks at a sea port. Do you want variety in your men? Or are you excited about seeing something new before anyone else sees it? Than consider spending some time at the loading docks of your local sea port. Be it Boston or Seattle, San Diego or New Orleans, the men getting off these boats are like the Pier One Imports of men!
6. The Great American Appalachian Trail. How about 2175 miles of potential eligible athletic men? Sure, they might smell a bit musky after being on the trail and not bathing for weeks, but think of the strong hard bodies that you will find on the trail while working on your own personal fitness.
7. 24 Hour Breakfast Establishments. Not only a great place to get such favorites as “Moon’s Over my Hammie” or “Adam & Eve on a Raft”, but think of the wonderful, interesting, and exciting people you could meet at 3am over coffee and bacon.
8. Strip Clubs. Clearly, the men in these clubs are looking for wonderful women to spend a lifetime spoiling. At first glance, it may seem if the competition to snag the best bachelors is to strong, but the employee/customer relationship is usually discouraged! You are free to snag the best of the best from those working girls!
9. Laundry Mats. Not only are you sure to meet interesting and artistic types, you will also find some men who are concerned with personal hygiene. That is always a plus in my book!
10. Prison. This is perhaps the best way to make a long term commitment in finding your ideal mate. Spend some quality time writing letters to inmates. Share with each other really intimate details of one another’s lives. In 7 to 10 years, you could have the most wonderful date of all time!
.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
10 Books That You May or Maynot Want to Give as Gifts to Your Mother for Mother's Day
10 Books I Do Not Recommend that You Buy Your Mother This Mother’s Day
1. A Bad Mother’s Handbook by Kate Long
2. The Baby Swap Conspiracy: The Shocking Truth Behind the Florida Case of Two Babies Switched at Birth by Loretta Schwartz Nobel
3. The Little Bit Naughty Book of Kama Sutra Positions by Ann Summers
4. The Perfect Baby: A Guide For Excessively Motivated Parents by Dale Hrabi
5. Sickened: The Memoir of a Munchausen By Proxy Childhood by Julie Gregory
6. The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You: A Hypochondriacs Guide by Knock Knock
7. Mommy Dearest by Christina Crawford
8. Overcoming Unresolved Inner Pain and Anger from Parental Abandonment by Dr. Judith G. Ardnell
9. The Premature Menopause Book: When the Change of Life Comes Too Early by Kathryn Petras
10. Alone in the World: A Guide to Orphans and Orphanages in America by Catherine Reef
1. A Bad Mother’s Handbook by Kate Long
2. The Baby Swap Conspiracy: The Shocking Truth Behind the Florida Case of Two Babies Switched at Birth by Loretta Schwartz Nobel
3. The Little Bit Naughty Book of Kama Sutra Positions by Ann Summers
4. The Perfect Baby: A Guide For Excessively Motivated Parents by Dale Hrabi
5. Sickened: The Memoir of a Munchausen By Proxy Childhood by Julie Gregory
6. The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You: A Hypochondriacs Guide by Knock Knock
7. Mommy Dearest by Christina Crawford
8. Overcoming Unresolved Inner Pain and Anger from Parental Abandonment by Dr. Judith G. Ardnell
9. The Premature Menopause Book: When the Change of Life Comes Too Early by Kathryn Petras
10. Alone in the World: A Guide to Orphans and Orphanages in America by Catherine Reef
Friday, May 8, 2009
Exit Stage Left: 10 Awesome Exit Strategies Out of a Bad Date
Let’s face it, we have all gone on a date that was a ripe delicious fruit of possibility when it started, but ended up being a rotten, smelly, stinky egg in the end. In the whacky world of romance, the occasional really bad date will happen. Although an occasional bad date is inevitable, it is nothing to fear. The key is to leave your date politely and quickly with an effective exit strategy. You can mitigate the loss of precious time and energy by ending the date swiftly with these 10 helpful and easy exit strategies that I have developed for you.
* Remember, it’s important to ALWAYS carry protection with you when you go out on dates! Print this list out and keep it in your pocket. You never know when you might need to refer to it.
1. Lock your date in a utility closet and walk away. If the closet does not have a lock, then wedge a chair underneath the door handle.
2. Fake being struck by lightning as soon as you get outside. If getting outside is impossible, fake being electrocuted using a lamp or any available outlet.
3. Claim to be suddenly struck with amnesia. Keep asking them “Who are you?” and “Why do you keep following me?”
4. Lose control of basic body functions. Drool or show signs of uncontrollable urination.
5. Claim to suddenly realize that you are gay. If you are on a same sex date, then claim to suddenly realize that you are straight.
6. Introduce your date to an invisible friend. Invite the invisible friend into the conversation, and buy your invisible friend a drink. In a few minutes, claim that your invisible friend is not feeling well and that you need to take your invisible friend home, then leave.
7. Excuse yourself, explain that you need to run an errand and then do not return.
8. Keep looking at your watch anxiously and repeatedly ask the same questions over and over. “What is today’s date?” “Do you know what phase the moon is in?” “Is it nearly midnight?” “How do you feel about body hair?” After you ask these questions, follow up with a loud, piercing, wolf-like howl.
9. Claim to be homeless. Once outside, make yourself comfortable on the sidewalk and ask “Do you want to spend the night?”
10. If all else fails, the moment your date turns their back to you, run and hide.
* Remember, it’s important to ALWAYS carry protection with you when you go out on dates! Print this list out and keep it in your pocket. You never know when you might need to refer to it.
1. Lock your date in a utility closet and walk away. If the closet does not have a lock, then wedge a chair underneath the door handle.
2. Fake being struck by lightning as soon as you get outside. If getting outside is impossible, fake being electrocuted using a lamp or any available outlet.
3. Claim to be suddenly struck with amnesia. Keep asking them “Who are you?” and “Why do you keep following me?”
4. Lose control of basic body functions. Drool or show signs of uncontrollable urination.
5. Claim to suddenly realize that you are gay. If you are on a same sex date, then claim to suddenly realize that you are straight.
6. Introduce your date to an invisible friend. Invite the invisible friend into the conversation, and buy your invisible friend a drink. In a few minutes, claim that your invisible friend is not feeling well and that you need to take your invisible friend home, then leave.
7. Excuse yourself, explain that you need to run an errand and then do not return.
8. Keep looking at your watch anxiously and repeatedly ask the same questions over and over. “What is today’s date?” “Do you know what phase the moon is in?” “Is it nearly midnight?” “How do you feel about body hair?” After you ask these questions, follow up with a loud, piercing, wolf-like howl.
9. Claim to be homeless. Once outside, make yourself comfortable on the sidewalk and ask “Do you want to spend the night?”
10. If all else fails, the moment your date turns their back to you, run and hide.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
"No time for a Siesta, it's time to Fiesta!"
Wild and Whacky Ways to Celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Style
Cinco de Mayo recognizes the triumph of a small Mexican army over French forces in the 1862 Battle at Puebla. Although it’s not Mexico’s Independence Day (that is officially September 16th) it’s just as worthy of celebrating because the month of May gives us so few opportunities to drink ourselves silly, (just two, Memorial Day and Mother’s Day) it seemed necessary to add a third holiday during this relatively quiet month. It's Party Time, Amigos!
May 5th (which is the American version of “Cinco de Mayo”) always marks an important opportunity to not only have fun, but celebrate our important neighbor to the south. No matter if you're in school or at work, what your own cultural identity and background is, or how much you think you already know about Mexico, take a few moments to expand your horizons and celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style with these ideas:
· Sew together a historical Mexican costume to wear today and have a fancy parade by yourself for your neighbors or co-workers.
· Find Mexico on a map. Remember where it is in case someone asks you to find Mexico on a map and point it out for them today.
· Jump around and pretend you are a Mexican jumping bean.
· Make your own personal piñata and fill it with tequila. Ask really attractive people to take a swing at it with a stick. When it breaks, it will douse them with the tequila! Commence with the body shots!
· Create a giant cake in the shape of a sombrero, wear it around and have people eat off your head until it is gone.
· Every time someone says something in Spanish or someone wishes you Happy Cinco De Mayo, shake your own set of maracas in their face and scream "¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah!" and run away from them.
· Learn as much as you can about the history and culture of our amazing neighbor to the North, Canada…just to be fair.
Cinco de Mayo recognizes the triumph of a small Mexican army over French forces in the 1862 Battle at Puebla. Although it’s not Mexico’s Independence Day (that is officially September 16th) it’s just as worthy of celebrating because the month of May gives us so few opportunities to drink ourselves silly, (just two, Memorial Day and Mother’s Day) it seemed necessary to add a third holiday during this relatively quiet month. It's Party Time, Amigos!
May 5th (which is the American version of “Cinco de Mayo”) always marks an important opportunity to not only have fun, but celebrate our important neighbor to the south. No matter if you're in school or at work, what your own cultural identity and background is, or how much you think you already know about Mexico, take a few moments to expand your horizons and celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style with these ideas:
· Sew together a historical Mexican costume to wear today and have a fancy parade by yourself for your neighbors or co-workers.
· Find Mexico on a map. Remember where it is in case someone asks you to find Mexico on a map and point it out for them today.
· Jump around and pretend you are a Mexican jumping bean.
· Make your own personal piñata and fill it with tequila. Ask really attractive people to take a swing at it with a stick. When it breaks, it will douse them with the tequila! Commence with the body shots!
· Create a giant cake in the shape of a sombrero, wear it around and have people eat off your head until it is gone.
· Every time someone says something in Spanish or someone wishes you Happy Cinco De Mayo, shake your own set of maracas in their face and scream "¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah!" and run away from them.
· Learn as much as you can about the history and culture of our amazing neighbor to the North, Canada…just to be fair.
Monday, May 4, 2009
8 Easy and Practical Steps to Avoid Demon Possession
I get asked all the time by everyday folks about the best ways to avoid being possessed by the devil. In order to more effectively help people just like you, I have come up with eight easy and practical steps to avoid having your soul possessed by demons. These steps, if followed correctly, will not only allow you go through your day completely free of fear from demonic possession, but help you live a happier, more fulfilled life.
1. Do not enter any business contracts with the devil. Selling your soul to the devil is a surefire path to demonic possession. In this market, once your soul is owned by the devil, he can reclaim it, renovate it, and put on the infernal market where it is likely to be snatched up and inhabited very quickly by any interested demon. Rule of thumb: It is never a good idea to sign a contract given to you by a demon. Entering into a business relationship of any kind with the devil rarely leads to anything profitable
2. Do not convert to a religion or cult that considered by most as innately “evil”. Converting to a cult or a religion deemed “evil” will certainly open your soul to demonic possession. Be on the alert! “Conversion” to an evil religion can come in hidden and often convoluted forms. “Baptism into Satanism” is the most obvious, but also avoid such things as “Taking the Bar Exam”, “Employment with the IRS”, “Watching Reality TV”, “Going to the DMV” as well. All lead to weakened morals and therefore a soul ripe for demonic possession.
3. Wear a lot of religious themed jewelry. This is not a case where less is more. I recommend wearing as many Christian symbols as possible, such as crosses, crucifixes, rosaries, religious medals, images of Christ, of the saints, vials of holy water and religious icons. Feel free to wear them as necklaces, earrings, rings, bracelets, even belt buckles. Load yourself up! Adorn yourself with these symbols generously! For additional protection, it would also be a great idea to decorate your house using the same symbols. Further, I recommend having these items blessed by an appropriate member of the clergy. (Personally, I prefer Roman Catholic clergy when blessing items to protect against demonic possession; however Greek Orthodox or Episcopal clergy are also very effective. I have found items blessed by Presbyterian clergy are the least effectual for some reason. However, having and item blessed is better than one not blessed at all.)
4. Do not play games with your soul. It is wise to avoid entering any contests or making any wagers with the devil, especially ones where the prize is control over your soul. And for heaven’s sake, do not enter into any musical contests, like a fiddle contest like the one that was held when the devil went down to Georgia. The odds are super-naturally stacked against you and you are likely to lose the contest and your soul.
5. Do not enter any Gateways into Hell. (This includes not only Hell, but gateways into any demonic dimensions or evil alternate realities.) Often, the very act of passing through a Gateway into Hell, no matter how innocent, can lead to demonic possession. Furthermore, it is wise to not enter, but not to even open any gateway to in the first place. Personally, I don’t even knock on, or ring the bell of, or wipe your feet on the welcome mat in front the Gateway of Hell. Walk quickly past the gateway, and don’t even turn your head to look at it. It’s for the best, really.
6. Avoid becoming a “Bride of Satan”. This step is self explanatory. Any spouse of a demon is likely to be completely and totally possessed by that demon. Demons tend to be jealous, controlling, and needy lovers and it does not become any better when you finally agree to marry them. As tempting as the dream wedding may seem, it really is not worth it, even with a strong prenuptial agreement. Total corruption of your immortal soul after marriage in inevitable.
7. Do not allow yourself to be sacrificed in any ritual to any demon at any time. Voluntarily participating as a ritualistic sacrifice to a demon is a bad idea. Not only do you agree to a brutally painful and savage end your possibly cheerless and miserable life, but it pretty much guarantees your soul being trapped in the fires of hell for all eternity.
8. In general avoid opening your soul to demonic entities by behavior considered “bad”. I call this the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll” step. The likeliness of demonic possession decreases exponentially if you remove all sex, drugs and rock music from your life. Statically, studies have shown that sober, classically trained virgin musicians are the least likely candidates for demonic possession.
As you can see, you do not need to be a religious fanatic or a paranoid delusional zombie in order to successfully avoid demonic possession. These steps are not only easy, but many are downright fun! With some good old fashioned common sense and these eight easy steps, you can dramatically lower your chances of suffering from this terrible fate.
1. Do not enter any business contracts with the devil. Selling your soul to the devil is a surefire path to demonic possession. In this market, once your soul is owned by the devil, he can reclaim it, renovate it, and put on the infernal market where it is likely to be snatched up and inhabited very quickly by any interested demon. Rule of thumb: It is never a good idea to sign a contract given to you by a demon. Entering into a business relationship of any kind with the devil rarely leads to anything profitable
2. Do not convert to a religion or cult that considered by most as innately “evil”. Converting to a cult or a religion deemed “evil” will certainly open your soul to demonic possession. Be on the alert! “Conversion” to an evil religion can come in hidden and often convoluted forms. “Baptism into Satanism” is the most obvious, but also avoid such things as “Taking the Bar Exam”, “Employment with the IRS”, “Watching Reality TV”, “Going to the DMV” as well. All lead to weakened morals and therefore a soul ripe for demonic possession.
3. Wear a lot of religious themed jewelry. This is not a case where less is more. I recommend wearing as many Christian symbols as possible, such as crosses, crucifixes, rosaries, religious medals, images of Christ, of the saints, vials of holy water and religious icons. Feel free to wear them as necklaces, earrings, rings, bracelets, even belt buckles. Load yourself up! Adorn yourself with these symbols generously! For additional protection, it would also be a great idea to decorate your house using the same symbols. Further, I recommend having these items blessed by an appropriate member of the clergy. (Personally, I prefer Roman Catholic clergy when blessing items to protect against demonic possession; however Greek Orthodox or Episcopal clergy are also very effective. I have found items blessed by Presbyterian clergy are the least effectual for some reason. However, having and item blessed is better than one not blessed at all.)
4. Do not play games with your soul. It is wise to avoid entering any contests or making any wagers with the devil, especially ones where the prize is control over your soul. And for heaven’s sake, do not enter into any musical contests, like a fiddle contest like the one that was held when the devil went down to Georgia. The odds are super-naturally stacked against you and you are likely to lose the contest and your soul.
5. Do not enter any Gateways into Hell. (This includes not only Hell, but gateways into any demonic dimensions or evil alternate realities.) Often, the very act of passing through a Gateway into Hell, no matter how innocent, can lead to demonic possession. Furthermore, it is wise to not enter, but not to even open any gateway to in the first place. Personally, I don’t even knock on, or ring the bell of, or wipe your feet on the welcome mat in front the Gateway of Hell. Walk quickly past the gateway, and don’t even turn your head to look at it. It’s for the best, really.
6. Avoid becoming a “Bride of Satan”. This step is self explanatory. Any spouse of a demon is likely to be completely and totally possessed by that demon. Demons tend to be jealous, controlling, and needy lovers and it does not become any better when you finally agree to marry them. As tempting as the dream wedding may seem, it really is not worth it, even with a strong prenuptial agreement. Total corruption of your immortal soul after marriage in inevitable.
7. Do not allow yourself to be sacrificed in any ritual to any demon at any time. Voluntarily participating as a ritualistic sacrifice to a demon is a bad idea. Not only do you agree to a brutally painful and savage end your possibly cheerless and miserable life, but it pretty much guarantees your soul being trapped in the fires of hell for all eternity.
8. In general avoid opening your soul to demonic entities by behavior considered “bad”. I call this the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll” step. The likeliness of demonic possession decreases exponentially if you remove all sex, drugs and rock music from your life. Statically, studies have shown that sober, classically trained virgin musicians are the least likely candidates for demonic possession.
As you can see, you do not need to be a religious fanatic or a paranoid delusional zombie in order to successfully avoid demonic possession. These steps are not only easy, but many are downright fun! With some good old fashioned common sense and these eight easy steps, you can dramatically lower your chances of suffering from this terrible fate.
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