Thursday, May 14, 2009

Space Invaders: 10 Strategies That Are Sure to Increase Your Odds of Survival During an Alien Invasion

Contrary to popular belief, it will take more than a homemade helmet made of aluminum foil to protect you from a full scale attack of earth by extraterrestrial invaders. Perhaps one of these 10 strategies will help you survive the assault.

1. Build a deep subterranean refuge. Keep it fully stocked with food, fresh water, and medicine, enough to last for several years. After the aliens have enslaved the entire human population and stripped the planet of all its natural resources, they are likely to move on to another planet. By waiting them out, you can then return to the surface of the earth when they eventually leave. The disadvantage to this strategy is that the earth will be an empty, barren wasteland devoid of water and life when you return to the surface.

2. Evacuate to another planet. Our solar system is a pretty big place (approximately 18,000,000,000,000 miles squared) , so there are plenty of hiding places. Try the asteroid belt, it has plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.

3. Try to blend in with the aliens. If we are attacked by biped, humanoid type creatures, or by an alien species that you can easily sew a costume to look like, then attempt to mingle within their population. Perhaps they will not see through your disguise and leave you alone.

4. Choose the lesser of two evils. Attempt to make contact with a bigger, stronger, smarter and more aggressive alien species than the ones invading earth. Try to convince them to protect our planet in exchange for something less awful the total inhalation of our planet… whatever that might be.

5. Attempt to communicate and then negotiate a peace treaty with the aliens before they attack. It is a good idea to have someone else try this for you, as it typically leads to the death of the person attempting to make contact.

6. Pretend to be another species of animal other than human. Aliens rarely seem interested in enslaving or devouring other animals that we share our planet with. Disguise yourself as a giraffe, a llama or an emus.

7. Have some potent virus at your disposal, either the computer variety or the biological kind. These seem work at foiling the plans of alien conquerors in the movies.

8. Surrender immediately. Use this strategy if you are reasonably certain that they have invaded not so actually eat us, but to merely enslave us. If you are one of the first humans to surrender, you might be lucky enough to get some of the easier slave jobs.

9. Attempt to discover the alien’s weakness or “Achilles Heal”. When you discover what that is, inform the aliens that you will trade a promise not to share this with the earth’s governments for assurance that you will not be vaporized by their laser weapons.

10. Move very far from the United States as possible. I recommend the North or South Poles, or a deserted island in the South Pacific. Alien invaders seem to favor starting the invasion of Earth in the United States, so by the time they make it to the more remote regions of our planet; they may have either been defeated or have lost interest in the invasion.

Although none of these strategies are perfect, perhaps by utilizing one of them or several in combination will increase your chances of survival during the assault on our planet. Good luck – I will see you in the asteroid belt!

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