Monday, May 18, 2009

Rise & Shine: 10 Ways to Get Your One Night Stand to Leave

You have found yourself in a “coyote ugly” situation. You took home a guy for a quick roll in the hay after a night on the town. Last night he seemed really hot, but now… you just want him to leave. Fortunately, you do not have to chew your own arm off to escape! I have written down 10 tried and true tricks of getting a man to leave your place that will allow you to have a little fun while you do it.

1. “Operation Home James” I find the direct route often is the best route. Merely ask your one night stand if he has enough cash for a cab while calling a taxi service on your cell for him. Tell him it’s OK to wait for the cab outside. Most one night stands will get the hint that it is time to get ready to leave when they know a cab is on its way to pick them up.

2. “The Octo-Mom Technique” Ask him if he would leave before your 8 children come home for breakfast. Explain to him that it is best if he is not there when the children come home, because it confuses them, as they always hope your newest one night stand is going to be their new daddy.

3. “The Dude Dupe” Treat this dude like the dude he is to get him to leave. Inform him about the contest you had with your college roommate to see who could sleep with the most men in a 24 hour time period. Tell him thanks for his contribution, and that so far you are winning by a landslide!

4. “The Dutch Oven Maneuver” Unfamiliar with the “Dutch Oven Maneuver”? It’s really easy and fun to do! You simply pull the blankets and comforter over both your heads and then fart. The true beauty of this maneuver is that you don’t have to say anything to get your one night stand to leave, let your flatulence do the work for you.

5. “The Ru Paul Ruse” Deepen your voice, then tell him that you think sex with men is so much better now after the sex change operation. You will be entertained by how suddenly most men will leave after hearing this!

6. “Bio Terror Hoax” This hoax will require some props prepared and placed strategically on your night table near your bed beforehand. Reach for a prescription bottle clearly labeled “herpes medication”, pop a pill, shrug, and say 'you should be fine' while you take a drink from a glass of water.

7. “Who’s Your Baby Daddy Strategy?” This one is easy yet very effective. Wonder out loud "hmmm...I wonder if I took any my birth control pills this week?"

8. “The Shot Gun Wedding Scare Tactic” I recommend this tactic especially for the ladies with a flair for acting. First, look him deeply in the eyes, and then tell him that you are madly in love with him. Before he can respond, ask him if his love for you is as deep as yours is for his. Follow up with discussing elaborate plans that you have made for dinner tomorrow night in order for him to meet your parents and your pastor. Explain this is so that he can easily ask your father for your hand in marriage, and perhaps, tie the knot right then at the table. This usually will send a guy running for the hills!

9. “Operation WTF Ask your one night stand if he would mind role playing next time, tell him that you are a huge Rocky & Bullwinkle fan, wet the bed, then alternate laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably until he leaves.

10. “The NYPD Blues Ploy” Sometimes a well placed ‘mystery’ is more than a one night stand can handle. Tell him that later, if he gets a call from the police to please, please, please pretend he doesn't know you...

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