20 Fun Ways To Burn More Calories

One exasperating thing about trying to lose weight is the snail's pace at which the pounds seem to drop. I've come up with 20 easy ways to boost your metabolism by adding fun activities to your day to day life. Just do these easy and fun activities every day, and it should be more than enough to shift your weight loss out of neutral and move it full speed ahead again.

1. Have more rigorous sex. This burns 300 hundred calories each time!

2. Run with the Bulls in Pamplona, dressed in a billowy red dress and cape.

3. Play “taser tag” with the police.

4. Do the Appalachian trail, on a pogo stick

5. Smile. This burns .08 calories!

6. Buy a “Flintstones” style car, where you push it by running your feet through the floor.

7. Play “Frogger” at the Indianapolis 500. Make it more fun by dressing like a frog!

8. Start your own Rick Shaw service. Lose weight and make money!

9. Play full contact lawn darts with your neighbor’s kids.

10. Host a dance-a-thon in your own back yard. Try to out dance everyone in your neighborhood.

11. Clean your house. Clean your friend’s houses. Keep cleaning. Cleaning can burn as many calories are rigorous sex! For more fun, have rigorous sex while cleaning your house, and your friend’s house.

12. Train for the Iditarod, as one of the dogs!

13. Try to break the hula hoop world’s record.

14. Join the Marines, and go to boot camp.

15. Ski more, but don’t take the lift back up the mountain, jog up the mountain!

16. Swim the English Channel. Backwards.

17. Power all your home utilities with your exercise bike.

18. Captain a double Dutch squad.

19. Take a tap-dance course, and then instead of walking, tap-dance wherever you go.

20. Do your Kegel Exercises. It burns as many calories as smiling!

10 Clever Ways to Announce Your Pregnancy

Congratulations! The doctor just confirmed your suspicions: you’re pregnant! Finding out you're pregnant is a very exciting time for women, so it only makes sense that you want to share the news with your family and friends as soon as possible. Here are 10 extraordinarily fun ways to announce that your bundle of joy is on the way:

1. Send out letters to all your family and friends and sign it from “the fetus.” Getting a handwritten letter is a wonderfully antiquated way of communication that some people still enjoy. For best results, find a really small piece of paper, and a crayon in order to craft a letter like it’s actually written from the fetus you are carrying. Because your baby still has an underdeveloped brain, hands and fingers, make sure the writing is sloppy and lots of word are misspelled to make it really realistic looking.

2. Start pushing an empty baby carriage around wherever you go. From the moment you find out your pregnant, start pushing around this carriage. Rig it up so that when people look inside a Jack in the Box springs up holding a sign that says “Coming soon, a new baby!” to startle them.

3. Invite everyone over for your “Pregnancy Shower”. Although certainly some people will complain that throwing a party for oneself is tacky, ignore them! This is a great way to let everyone know you’re pregnant and a great way to get some free gifts at the same time.

4. Rent a theater one evening, hire actors to dress as sperm and ova, and have them reenact the moment of conception for your family and friends through mime. Everyone loves live theater! You might also want to consider selling tickets to this event, and charging for concessions in order to cover your costs and make some extra money.

5. Make cookies in the shape of embryos and hand them out to your family and friends. The way to anyone’s heart is through their stomach. Back for those you love some fetus shaped cookies. This way, you not only inform everyone you know that you are pregnant through the gift of food, but you can also take care of your cravings for sweets at the same time.

6. Send full, unopened tampon box to your friends and family with a note attached that says “I guess I won’t need these for a while!” Most people enjoy a good riddle. This should keep people guessing why you are sending them female hygiene products through the mail. Once they make the connection, however, they are not likely to forget the big news!

7. Send everyone you know a copy of your paternity test and a copy of the child support letter your lawyer just sent to the father of the baby. Your family and friends will certainly get a chuckle from this creative way of letting them know you got pregnant with that looser you just broke up with.

8. Create a “Uterus Piñata”, and fill it with baby themed candy. Remember how fun smacking a piñata with a stick was when you were a child? Recreate some special memories with a piñata that looks like a uterus. When they open it up with the whacks from the stick, make sure Sugar Babies, Jr. Mints, Baby Ruth’s and Runts fall out.

9. Have a movie night and only play baby themed movies, such as “Knocked Up”, “Look Who’s Talking” and “Nine Months”. Movie nights can be a blast, but this movie night will live on in everyone’s memory as the best! Make sure you serve a lot of great cocktails and buy everyone a pack of cigarettes. Prenatal care can start tomorrow, tonight we party!

10. Start wearing a t-shirt that says “I’m Pregnant.” until everyone you know sees you wearing it. Ok, so this one is not particularly creative or clever. However, it gets the job done.

5 Easy & Quick Ways to Flatten Your Tummy

You look at it every day and wish it would just go away. But it doesn’t. That little pouch surrounding your belly button that keeps staring back, laughing and mocking you and all your pathetic attempts to get rid of it. You starve yourself, you do crunches, you do sit ups… yet there it is just “flopping around.”
There are all sorts of cute names for it: snack pouch, spare tire, love handles; the list go on. All you know is that it is not cute and you want it gone. However, just doing exercises all day and dieting will not get rid of the excess fat that you have around your waistline.
The following are 5 easy and quick methods I have developed that will help you gain the toned, flat stomach that you have been craving.

1. Tattoo abs directly onto your stomach. Getting those washboard abs is nearly impossible, especially for those who like to eat cheese and drink beer as much as I do. However, did you know that it is possible to get exactly the same look from the tattoo parlor as it is from the gym? Forget those crunches and go ahead and enjoy your beer! Just find a talented tattoo artist to draw in the stomach of your dreams.

2. Wear Antebellum or Empire Period Dresses, each with a corset. Those women of the late 1700’s and early 1800’s knew exactly what they were doing. Even though they are looks currently NOT in style, the hourglass figure they will give you is ALWAYS in fashion. Unfortunately, this is not as flattering a look for most men.

3. Constantly suck in your gut. It is a great habit to get into: walking around straight and tall, sucking in your gut the entire time. If you suck in deep enough, you will totally fool everyone that you are fit as a fiddle! (Until you need to exhale, that is.)

4. Wear really wide pirate belts and cummerbunds with every outfit. Flatten your tummy by hiding your tummy! A really wide belt or cummerbund is a fun fashionable way to force the fat back inside the contours of your clothing. Don’t be afraid to always wear your belt or cummerbund in potentially awkward places such as at to the office, the beach or at the nudist colony. In fact, those are often the places it is most important to flatten your tummy.

5. Be seen only with the morbidly obese. Flatten your stomach by having much larger stomachs draw the attention away from yours. The fatter your friends, the more healthy and fit you will look like in contrast. So, go ahead, enjoy that donut! Just make sure your friends have two.

When it’s Too Late to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back.

No matter what they say, breaking up is not the hardest thing to do. Getting back together with your girlfriend after you broke up with her is actually the hardest thing to do. I encourage you to always follow your heart; however, sometimes you have to read the subtle hints that it is too late to rekindle the relationship. When the indications are that she has moved on, you have to realize that it is just too late:restarting the relationship at this point would be impossible. Here are five examples of when it is truly too late to get your ex-girlfriend back.

1. She seems really happy in her relationship with her new girlfriend.

2. After serving as a Navy W.A.V.E .in WWII, she went on to have a wonderful career, married and raised a terrific family, and is now living out her golden years with her husband of 60 years in a beautiful assisted living complex in Florida, taking water color classes and yoga on the beach.

3. She has requested not to have visitors at the Poughkeepsie Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where she was institutionalized after the trial that she was found guilty of trying to kill you at your family reunion shortly after the break-up.

4. She took her final vows as a Sister if Mercy and moved to Guinea-Bissau to serve the poor by founding a hospital for those suffering from leprosy and tuberculosis.

5. They day (which also happened to be her birthday) after you broke up with her (via a text message) to go on a date with the girl (who was also her best friend) who ended up dumping you (on your birthday), she won the largest payout in lottery history (312 million dollars).

6. She doesn’t come to pick you up the day you are released from prison.

7. She can’t seem to remember your name or that you even dated. When you remind her of the specifics, she nods knowingly, laughs and says “Oh! Now I remember you. Yeah, no thanks.”

8. She is happily recovering from her final gender reassignment surgery and has begun her new life as "Frank".

9. She died last week.

Five Questions You Should Ask Before You Pick Up That Hitchhiker:

Even though it is often thrilling, the decision to pick up a hitchhiker carries with it a certain amount of risk. Not every person may be willing to pick up a hitchhiker as it is essentially a personal decision, and one that may not be wise for some individuals to practice. After all, inviting a stranger into your car on a dark and rainy night on a deserted stretch of highway requires a level of trust that, in extreme circumstances, might be taken advantage of.

The following questions are for the drivers. If the time does come, though, and you want to have a little fun by picking up a complete stranger and offer them a ride, please consider asking the hitchhiker these 5 questions to ensure a safe ride for the both of you.

1. Are you alive? This might seem at first like a strange question, but all too often, we hear about a friend of friend who offered someone a ride, usually to a cemetery, only to have them disappear near a gravestone that is carved with the name that they gave you. Why? Because they were not alive, you gave a ride to a ghost to their final resting place. Don’t waste your time giving rides to lazy spirits. Ask your hitchhiker if they are alive before they get in the car. If they are dead, tell them to just shuttle back to the afterlife on their own dime.

2. Are you human? It is vitally important to know if your passenger is even of the same species that you are. Often, the lonely stretch of highway is the hunting ground for some dangerous predators looking for their next meal. If they are not human, avoid giving rides to giant insects, werewolves, or carnivorous aliens. My personal policy, though it may seem unnecessarily draconian, is to only give rides to members of my species.

3. Are you a serial murderer, or do you suffer from any violent pathological tendencies that make you dangerous to me in any way? This is an easy way to screen out the most dangerous hitchhikers on the road. The only drawback is occasionally you will run into a pathological liar, and it will be impossible to tell if they are being honest with you. In those cases I recommend that you carry a portable metal detector and try to screen out any weapons they might want to bring into the car, such as axes, ice hooks, and meat cleavers. If you find them, make sure they place them safely in the trunk.

4. Would you submit to a drug screening such as a urinalysis or a sweat test? Illegal drugs have no place in the world of the safe driver. In the passenger seat, drugs can even turn a gentle hitchhiker into a dangerous sexual pervert. I advise that you carry with you drug screening tests of some type and ask your hitchhiker to submit to the test. Although it takes days, make sure you wait for the results, even if it means that you sacrifice the spontaneity of picking up a hitchhiker.

5. What kind of music do you like? The most important question of them all: There is nothing worse than picking up a hitchhiker, only to find out you have vastly different tastes in music. The odds are that you will both end up fighting over the radio. Do yourself a favor and only pick up those hitchhikers who enjoy listening to your favorite CD’s and radio stations.

Just kill ‘em with kindness...

As a young boy, when I would complain about those that made me mad, my Gramma would always reply, “Calvin, just kill ‘em with kindness.” I never understood what she meant.

Now that I am older, I totally understand what she was trying to tell me with her simple, uncomplicated axiom. “Just kill “em with kindness” is a perfect strategy to deploy when dealing with your enemies. It is a subtle way of turning situations with your enemies to your advantage; it just begins with a kind gesture of some type.

It’s not as easy as it might seem. In order to help, I have come up with 5 creative ways in which you too can “Just kill ‘em with kindness”.

Hug your enemy. Make sure when you hug them that you squeeze tightly enough to snap their spine, puncture their lungs and suffocate them. For good measure, stab them in the back before you release your embrace.

Send your enemy flowers. Everyone loves receiving flowers, even those that you do not like! However, when you send them to your enemy make sure that an entire hive of crazed and angry killer bees is hidden somewhere in the bouquet.

Cook for your enemy a delicious gourmet meal. When you serve it to them, make sure it is laced generously with a deadly poison. I often garnish their food with broken glass, just for fun.

Give your enemy an expensive new car as a gift. Who doesn’t love the feel of a sleek new car beneath them as they dangerously race along precarious cliffs overlooking the ocean when it’s foggy and rainy with a chance of sleet? Just remember to cut the break lines before they take it on its first test run.

Leave an adorable baby puppy wrapped up in a blanket nestled in a basket at your enemy’s doorstep. What is cuter than a baby puppy? A baby puppy wrapped in a blanket nestled in a basket, that’s what! The sight of this sweet little puppy would make anyone feel better, unless you lace the baby puppy’s basket and sleeping basket with a highly contagious and fatal biological weapon such as anthrax or smallpox that is!

As you can see, killing your enemies with kindness does not need to be difficult in order to be effective. All you need is a kind heart and a little creativity. Good luck!

*Authors note. Please do not really do any of these, and then sue me. Thanks!

How to Tell if Your Newborn is the Spawn of Satan

1. You spawned with Satan, and then nine months later had a baby.

2. Your baby manages to break all of the 10 Commandments while still in the playpen.

3. The paternity test named Satan as the father (as you feared), rather than your second cousin Bobby (as you hoped).

4. Your newborn has a chilling birthmark in the shape of a pentagram, “666”, or Dora the Explorer somewhere on his little body.

5. While teething, your baby swears like a sailor using a deep, resonating adult voice.

6. Your child will only wear the black diapers with the words “Hell’s Littlest Angel” stitched in red on the butt.

7. Your baby gets a picture of the Devil with the words “I love my Daddy” tattooed on his arm.

8. Your infant prefers to watch movies such as “Saw IV” and “Halloween” over “Bob the Builder” and “The Bear in the Big Blue House.”

9. The baptism of your child goes terribly awry, with the screaming, writhing, and knocking over the Baptismal Fonts that occurs when pure evil comes in contact with Holy Water.

10. Your baby is born with cloven hooves, a tail and two cute little goat horns.