10 Ideas That Will Help You Avoid Being Attacked by the Reanimated Corpse of a Recently Deceased Loved One (And how to survive if you are!)

1. In that it is good advice to never go to bed angry with a loved one, never let anyone you love die when they are still holding a grudge against you. No good can ever come if someone you love passes away angry at you.

2. Place defensive charms and spells all about your body that repeal the undead.

3. Place defensive charms and spells all about your loved one's body that repeals the undead. A particularly good time to do this is before they are buried: stuff their casket with as much garlic, silver, and crucifixes as it will hold.

4. Always carry a sharp scythe or an ax with you at all times to easily decapitate the reanimated corpse to stop its attack.

5. If possible, insist that everyone you know be cremated when they pass away. If cremation is not in accord with their religious beliefs, simply insist that the undertaker remove their arms, legs and head before burial.

6. Surround your home with a moat of flaming liquid lava. Although not the most pleasing choice in landscaping, the practicality of it will overcome the esthetic deficiencies.

7. Ask all of your family and friends to try to avoid being reanimated as vengeful zombies after they pass away. Encourage them to avoid any dealings voodoo witch doctors and evil scientists.

8. Create a safe room hidden somewhere in your house that is impervious to attack and wait out the attack. Stock it with enough food, fresh water and supplies to last you the amount of time it takes for a human body to decompose in your particular climate. (You will need more supplies in the cold north where bodies do not decompose as quickly, fewer supplies in the humid areas of the south for example.) Do not give your secure codes out to your loved ones, as they might remember those codes when they are reanimated and attack you.

9. Where ever you go, plan an escape route that will lead you to safety in the event you are attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones. Plan for this event every time you go somewhere new, such as hotels, cemeteries, and the laboratories hidden in basements of haunted castles.

10. Try to be nice. Nice people are rarely attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones.

Things to Avoid: Buying a Star for a Friend

I was looking for a unique gift to give a friend.

Maybe “friend” is too strong of a word. We are not yet “friends”, at least not in the truest sense of the word. I would classify us as “acquaintances”. However, I have a feeling that this acquaintanceship period of our relationship is about to mature and we are going to cross over the threshold into friendship. To make sure this happens, I want to find a great present that displays how funny and clever I am, without spending a lot of money. The problem is this: I am not entirely confident about the likes and dislikes of this person or the things she would like or not like to receive as a gift.

As I was searching I stumbled upon an internet company that claims to sell stars that you can purchase and name. I was intrigued. This could be a great gift, even for the person who has everything. What are the odds that they already own their very own star?

So I began to think about this in earnest. How would this work? Do I get to choose precisely which star I want, like choosing the perfect plum in the produce section of the grocery store or is a star doled out to me at random? Do I get to choose a hot, bright blue white star at the beginning of its celestial life, or would I be assigned a dimming red giant, a star that could go supernova and blow up any day now? And if it did suddenly give up the ghost in a cosmic explosion, would I get a refund or would another star be assigned to me? What is the warranty that comes with a star?

And further, do I get to choose the star’s location as well? Like a house, I am fussy as to the neighborhood that the star is in. Would it be in the posh constellation “Leo the Lion” or the less than cool constellation “Cecil the Hedgehog”? Where this star is located says a lot about the person you are… I would think.

Then finally, if you get a star named after you, do you actually own the star? Do you get a deed of some sort? Do you get any particular rights that come with owning a star? For example, if planets are discovered to orbit your star, do you also own them and any real estate if any of those planets are deemed habitable? Are there any taxes for this?

This lead to a terrifying thought: What if life was discovered on a planet orbiting a star that was named after you?

I could see the headline now:


WE ARE NOT ALONE! Conclusive Evidence of Extraterrestrial Life Discovered
August 2, 2020. A binary code message recorded last week was confirmed today by astronomers to have originated from Beta Bernice Smith, the second planet orbiting the star Bernice Smith, a G class yellow dwarf star much like our sun. This star, which is barely visible to the naked eye, is 243 million light years away and is located in the constellation Lyra. Bernice Smith, for whom the star was named as a birthday present nearly a decade ago, could not be immediately reached for comment.


I suspect that if this were to happen, I would feel much the same way I would feel if I gave someone a lottery ticket as a gift and they won. I would feign being thrilled for them, but then I would expect them to share at least half of their winnings with me. This is why it is my personal policy not to give lottery tickets as gifts. And perhaps, this should also be the reason not to buy a star for an acquaintance.

So, I decided not to give my friend a star for their birthday. However, if you feel so inclined, you can name a star after me. I think “Calvin” is a great name for a star, as long as you don’t mind getting a gift certificate to Dunkin’ Donuts from me...at least until I get to know you a little better.

Calvin's Things to Avoid: The Humboldt Squid

Who would have guessed that the true terror of the ocean is not the Great White Shark or the Portuguese Man of War...but a vicious, hyperintelligent, pack hunting squid?

I could not say it better than it has already been written - take a read and take a gander at the video. Then I think you should think twice before swimming in the Humboldt Current in the Eastern Pacific Ocean.





"The Humboldt squid is a large, predatory squid found in the waters of the Humboldt Current in the Eastern Pacific Ocean. These squid hunt in packs of up to 1,200 and use their ability to rapidly change color to communicate with each other. Scientists believe that they are highly intelligent and use complex communication. Each tentacle is covered with suckers filled with razor sharp teeth which they use to drag their prey to their beaks. They often approach prey quickly with all ten appendages extended forward in a cone-like shape. Upon reaching striking distance, they will open their eight swimming and grasping arms, and extend two long tentacles covered in sharp ‘teeth,’ grabbing their prey and pulling it back towards a parrot-like beak, which can easily cause dramatic lacerations to human flesh. The whole process takes place in seconds. To make matters worse, these creatures love hunting humans – they do it very frequently and most fisherman in the area know of at least one or two friends who have been eaten by a pack of these monsters."

Quoted from Listverse.com

Thanks to Calvin at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool for inspiring this post. It must go with the name, but this Canadian Calvin writes an awesome blog. If you have a penchant for the whacky, and a fear and general loathing of cephalopods, this is a website worth perusing. Often.

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Eating a Death Cap Mushroom

Let me introduce you to the deadly Death Cap Mushroom. (Amanita phalloides). This single, widespread species of toadstool is solely responsible for the majority of fatal mushroom poisoning cases, worldwide as well as here in the United States. Indeed, one might argue that the Death Cap's notorious and frequent victimization of Homo sapiens is far and away the best explanation for the widespread fear of edible wild mushrooms.

This mushroom is rare in most parts of North America but locally common in such areas as the Northern California and Oregon, where it is typically found from mid-autumn through late winter. Primarily, this mushroom is a European species, there is no evidence that the Death Cap is native to North America. It seems to have been brought to North America in the roots of transplanted trees from other parts of the world, but made a successful foothold here on this continent, esp. on the West Coast. Ecologically, it is a beneficial mycorrhizal fungus as it lives on the roots of live trees, providing phosphorus, magnesium, and other nutrients to the tree in exchange for carbohydrates.

Death caps have been reported to taste pretty good! After eating them, the symptoms are slow to show themselves and often do not appear until 10-16 hours (or even longer) after eating. The timing given above is approximate, for much depends on the general health of the individual and how much they’ve eaten. For example, if you’ve eaten a large meal of Death Caps the symptoms could start as early as 6 hours after the meal.

The first symptoms are stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea. These may continue for a day or two, after which there is typically an easing of symptoms and apparent recovery. The "recovery" period may last for 2 or 3 days. Then the terminal phase of 3-5 days starts with the re-occurrence of stomach pains, vomiting and diarrhea - accompanied by jaundice. Without effective, early medical intervention, coma and death occur between one and two weeks after eating the mushroom. Death is caused by liver failure, often accompanied by kidney failure.

For most patients in whom diagnosis is accomplished tardily, full recovery to their states of health prior to hospitalization is very unlikely.

In general, is it really dangerous to eat wild mushrooms?

How dangerous is it to drive a car? If you're drunk or careless, it is VERY dangerous; if you're sensible and pay attention, it is reasonably safe. Consider this: Would you pick and eat an unfamiliar berry simply because it "looked good"? Of course not. Finding, identifying, preparing, and eating wild mushrooms can be a delightful pastime—IF it is done intelligently.

So, continue to hunt and forage for wild edible mushrooms! Just be sure what you are putting into your mouth will not kill you!

Special Thanks to David Fishcher's www.americanmushrooms.com - a great source for mushroom information! Be sure to check it out!!

Calvin’s Things to Avoid: Being a Cocky Torturer:

Let me introduce you to Perillos of Athens, the local metal smith of Agrigentum. He submitted his invention for a new means for executing criminals to Phalaris, the ruler of the small city state in ancient Sicily in which they both lived. His idea, aptly named The Brass Bull, was to cast a bovine statue made entirely of brass, hollow, with a small locking hatch in the side. The condemned were shut in the bull and a fire was set under it, heating the metal until it became yellow hot and causing the person inside to slowly roast to death.

Phalaris liked the idea, but even came up with his own ideas on how to improve on the design. He commanded that the bull be devised in such a way that the smoke emanating from the victims blew out of the bull’s nostrils. Not to be outdone in the idea department, Perillos created the head of the ox to include a complex system of tubes and hallows so that the prisoner's screams were converted into sounds like the bellowing of an infuriated ox that echoed out of the mouth of this brass beast.

Phalaris was thrilled when the Brass Bull was completed and could hardly contain his enthusiasm. The tyrant of Agrigentum ordered its horn sound system to be tested by Perillos himself. When Perillos entered, he was immediately locked in, and the fire was set, so that Phalaris could hear the sound of his screams.

Before Perillos could die, Phalaris opened the door and took him away. Perillos believed he would receive a reward for his invention; instead, after freeing him from the bull, Phalaris threw him from the top of a cliff, dashing him on the rocks and killing him.

In the spirit of equal parts Poetic Justice/Greek Tragedy/Gothic Horror: Phalaris himself is said to have been killed in the brazen bull when he himself was later overthrown by Telemachus.

The Brass Bull enjoyed being used as a torture device for many centuries, right through to the middle ages.

It is also said that when the bull was reopened, the victims' scorched and bones shone like jewels and weere sometimes used to make bracelets! That is the type of "when life hands you lemons, make lemonaide" attitude I can appreciate!

Calvin's Things to Avoid: Not Shaking Out Your Shoe Before You Put it On

Let me introduce you to The Brazilian Wandering Spider. (Phoneutria fera) This little fellow is coincidently both the most aggressive and the most venomous spider found on earth. The Brazilian Wandering spider is so-called because it wanders the jungle floor hunting for prey like a cat or a wolf, rather than residing in a lair or maintaining a web. This little beast can grow to have a leg span of up to 4 - 5 inches. (This is about the size of your hand.)

This hunting behavior is the reason it is considered so dangerous. When it ambles into populated areas, this nocturnal predator will usually search for cover in dark places to hide during daytime, leading it to hide under beds, within the folds of clothes, in shoes and boots, in empty boxes and wood piles. These are also places people tend to put their hands and feet without looking. The Brazilian Wandering Spider tends to frown on this.

When threatened, the Brazilian Wandering Spider delivers more than a painful bite that sends most victims to the hospital. Its venom, (which is reported to have one of the most excruciatingly painful venoms of all spiders due to its high concentration of serotonin) in a bizarre side effect stimulates an hours-long erection in men.

So, if you are bitten by this arachnid, not only will it result in and extremely painful and potentially life threatening welt, you will go to the hospital with a, well… with a raging hard-on. Although it may be embarrassing to go to the hospital in this condition, males bitten by this spider should seek immediate emergency treatment as the venom is life threatening.

Needless to say, scientists are fast at work developing drugs to treat erectile dysfunction using the chemistry of this spider’s venom.

101 Reasons the Twitter Phenomenon is Bad

Let's face it - even though we seem to be caught up in some type of "Twitter Revolution", Twitter is really, really bad. Personally, I will never use Twitter for the following reasons. All of these reasons are true, are verifiable and have been proved beyond a shadow of a doubt:

1. Twitter is bad for the economy
2. Twitter causes blood clots
3. Twitter causes global warming
4. Twitter corrupts traditional family values
5. Twitter makes you go blind
6. Twitter promotes lewd behavior
7. Twitter looks funny
8. Twitter is in our air
9. Twitter kills your brain cells
10. Twitter is attributed to the rise in domestic violence
11. Jesus never used Twitter
12. Twitter hardens your arteries
13. Twitter is vaguely French
14. Twitter depletes the Ozone Layer
15. Twitter reduces the oxygen in your bloodstream
16. Twitter makes your face stick that way
17. Twitter makes you wet the bed
18. Twitter kills baby seals with a bat
19. Twitter gives you the hick-ups
20. Twitter helps the terrorists
21. Twitter is linked to tooth decay
22. Twitter makes you gay
23. Twitter causes constipation
24. Twitter is ruining society
25. Twitter is high in trans-fats
26. Twitter causes migraines
27. Twitter breaking down the glue that holds us together
28. Twitter is destroying religion
29. Twitter makes the baby Jesus cry
30. Twitter is an abomination
31. Twitter smells bad
32. Twitter makes you go deaf
33. Twitter sounds strange
34. Twitter eats you from the inside
35. Twitter causes acne
36. Twitter is illegal in some states
37. Twitter is immoral
38. Twitter is disgusting
39. Twitter is anti-American
40. Twitter has no nutritional value
41. Twitter cannot be traced
42. Twitter is homophobic
43. Twitter is void where prohibited
44. Twitter cannot be proven
45. Twitter is a false god
46. Twitter is alien
47. Twitter is abusive
48. Twitter makes your hair fall out
49. Twitter shrinks your testicles
50. Twitter is the anti-Christ
51. Twitter is flea ridden
52. Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive, Twitter is repetitive
53. Twitter is anti-Semitic
54. Twitter reduces your sperm count
55. Twitter makes you sterile
56. Twitter makes you a bad mother
57. Twitter is anti-Christian
58. Twitter is found in your drinking water
59. Twitter is racist
60. Twitter is too liberal
61. Twitter is too conservative
62. Twitter is part of a plot to destroy the world
63. Twitter is subversive
64. Twitter is dirty
65. Twitter is radioactive
66. Twitter is part of the gay agenda
67. Twitter wastes energy
68. Twitter is dangerous
69. Twitter is infected
70. Twitter will survive nuclear war with the cockroaches
71. Twitter is mean
72. Twitter is intrusive
73. Twitter is addictive
74. Twitter is not green
75. Twitter is inedible
76. Twitter will possess you
77. Twitter will take away your Constitutional Rights
78. Twitter will poison you
79. Twitter will smother you in your sleep
80. Twitter will make you go insane
81. Twitter will make you write long lists
82. Twitter will make you incontinent
83. Twitter will make you lose your memory
84. Twitter causes insomnia
85. Twitter is evil
86. Twitter promotes promiscuity
87. Twitter is a leading cause of Breast Cancer
88. Twitter might be used as a weapon of mass destruction
89. Twitter is toxic
90. Twitter should not be handled by children under the age of 4
91. Twitter has been found in our food
92. Twitter has been found in a shark’s stomach
93. Twitter is linked to Autism
94. Twitter can cause teenage suicide
95. Twitter should be recalled
96. Twitter saps your strength
97. Twitter takes away your will to live
98. Twitter may have some side effects
99. Twitter is rat infested
100. Twitter causes a loss of appetite
101. Hitler used Twitter

Things to Avoid – Collecting Wild Parsnips for Your Salad

Allow me to introduce the Water Hemlock (cicuta maculate). Although it looks like an attractive, but not altogether interesting wildflower, this is the most poisonous and deadly plant native to North America. This particular wildflower, which grows to 6 feet tall, is found primarily throughout the Great Lakes region, but has been found all over the continent as it thrives along stream banks, in marshy areas, and in low-lying, damp meadows. The Water Hemlock has purple-striped leaves and tall flower stalks topped with clusters of tiny white flowers and strikes a curious resemblance to Water Parsnips.

The problem is this: Water Parsnips are edible. Water Hemlock is not.
The poison contained in the water hemlock is called cicutoxin, and it is present in the entire plant, but is most concentrated in the roots. Anyone who confuses the roots of the plant with parsnips and decides to take a bite faces the onset of rapid illness and a ghastly, violent death.

The cicutoxin contained in the plant causes violent and painful cramps, seizures, nausea, intense vomiting, and muscle tremors. Those who survive the poisoning experience long-term health conditions, such as kidney damage and amnesia.
The Water Hemlock is a highly poisonous plant. It is so toxic that it is recommended that you wash your hands even after handling it. Certainly do not taste any part of it, absolutely no amount of water hemlock root is considered safe to ingest.
So, thank you for offering to garnish the delicious salad you made for me with the wild parsnips you collected yourself this morning! But I think I will just go straight to the entrée.

Things to Avoid: Squatting anywhere in Baja California

Let me introduce you to the baja worm lizard, known as an 'ajolote' in its native Baja California. The Baja Worm Lizard (Bipes biporus) is actually a very cool critter. Despite a superficial resemblance to a worm, Baja Worm Lizards are actually amphisbaenians, a suborder of reptile closely related to lizards and snakes. These subterranean creatures usually do not grow much more than 8" in length. Their two powerful front legs (Baja Worm Lizards only have two legs) allow them to tunnel efficiently through the top foot or so of soil in order to hunt grubs, ants, termites, and other insects.

Some people believe that if a person sits on the ground naked, one of these may burrow up from the ground and enter their digestive system through their anus. This legend, though not proven to be true, is still too horrible a possibility to ignore. Although the legend many possibly be intended to teach children to keep up off the dirt to stay cleaner, the next time I visit Baja California, I plan on keeping my anus very far above the ground.