10 Ideas That Will Help You Avoid Being Attacked by the Reanimated Corpse of a Recently Deceased Loved One (And how to survive if you are!)

1. In that it is good advice to never go to bed angry with a loved one, never let anyone you love die when they are still holding a grudge against you. No good can ever come if someone you love passes away angry at you.

2. Place defensive charms and spells all about your body that repeal the undead.

3. Place defensive charms and spells all about your loved one's body that repeals the undead. A particularly good time to do this is before they are buried: stuff their casket with as much garlic, silver, and crucifixes as it will hold.

4. Always carry a sharp scythe or an ax with you at all times to easily decapitate the reanimated corpse to stop its attack.

5. If possible, insist that everyone you know be cremated when they pass away. If cremation is not in accord with their religious beliefs, simply insist that the undertaker remove their arms, legs and head before burial.

6. Surround your home with a moat of flaming liquid lava. Although not the most pleasing choice in landscaping, the practicality of it will overcome the esthetic deficiencies.

7. Ask all of your family and friends to try to avoid being reanimated as vengeful zombies after they pass away. Encourage them to avoid any dealings voodoo witch doctors and evil scientists.

8. Create a safe room hidden somewhere in your house that is impervious to attack and wait out the attack. Stock it with enough food, fresh water and supplies to last you the amount of time it takes for a human body to decompose in your particular climate. (You will need more supplies in the cold north where bodies do not decompose as quickly, fewer supplies in the humid areas of the south for example.) Do not give your secure codes out to your loved ones, as they might remember those codes when they are reanimated and attack you.

9. Where ever you go, plan an escape route that will lead you to safety in the event you are attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones. Plan for this event every time you go somewhere new, such as hotels, cemeteries, and the laboratories hidden in basements of haunted castles.

10. Try to be nice. Nice people are rarely attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones.

Things to Avoid – Collecting Wild Parsnips for Your Salad

Allow me to introduce the Water Hemlock (cicuta maculate). Although it looks like an attractive, but not altogether interesting wildflower, this is the most poisonous and deadly plant native to North America. This particular wildflower, which grows to 6 feet tall, is found primarily throughout the Great Lakes region, but has been found all over the continent as it thrives along stream banks, in marshy areas, and in low-lying, damp meadows. The Water Hemlock has purple-striped leaves and tall flower stalks topped with clusters of tiny white flowers and strikes a curious resemblance to Water Parsnips.

The problem is this: Water Parsnips are edible. Water Hemlock is not.
The poison contained in the water hemlock is called cicutoxin, and it is present in the entire plant, but is most concentrated in the roots. Anyone who confuses the roots of the plant with parsnips and decides to take a bite faces the onset of rapid illness and a ghastly, violent death.

The cicutoxin contained in the plant causes violent and painful cramps, seizures, nausea, intense vomiting, and muscle tremors. Those who survive the poisoning experience long-term health conditions, such as kidney damage and amnesia.
The Water Hemlock is a highly poisonous plant. It is so toxic that it is recommended that you wash your hands even after handling it. Certainly do not taste any part of it, absolutely no amount of water hemlock root is considered safe to ingest.
So, thank you for offering to garnish the delicious salad you made for me with the wild parsnips you collected yourself this morning! But I think I will just go straight to the entrée.