Some Easy Steps That Will Keep You From Being Eaten by a Giant Carnivorous Plant

Let’s face it, giant carnivorous plants are downright scary! What can be more terrifying then being ensnared by green creeping prehensile vines, forced into a vegetative mouth filled with thousands of sharp thorn-like teeth, ground down into a bloody paste, and then slowly dissolved and absorbed by the digestive juices of a giant carnivorous plant? Personally, I can't think of anything worse.

Fortunately for all of us, unless you are an insect or a small invertebrate, the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant are fairly small. However, if there is a chance, it is better to be prepared then to be caught ill-equipped and become a tasty snack for a ravenous shrub.

That is why I have come up with some simple yet effective steps to avoid being eaten by a giant carnivorous plant.

First, try to avoid all wet, swampy, tropical locations overgrown with vegetation. Carnivorous plants generally prefer living in the jungles and rainforests found in the steamy tropics. If you truly want to cut the odds of being devoured by a carnivorous plant, you may want to stay away from these regions altogether. In order to be safer, stay in heavily urban areas that are totally covered in concrete, in the frozen artic regions at the north and south poles, in the middle of a waterless arid desert, or some other place where the environment is so harsh that no vegetation can survive.

Sometimes it is impossible to avoid those wet, swampy, tropical locations that are loaded with giant carnivorous plants. If this is the case, consider carrying a machete, a crossbow, and a quiver full of arrows attached to long ropes with you at all times. The machete itself should have a heavy and sturdy handle and the blade should be well weighted and sharp. If the plant somehow separates you and your machete, it is a great idea to have a crossbow as a backup. This way, you can shoot the arrows that are attached to strong ropes into the trunk of a thick tree and pull yourself free of gaping jaws of the carnivorous plant.

Another effective method of survival is to completely avoid detection by the giant carnivorous plant by wearing camouflage clothing. Since carnivorous plants thrive on the flesh of living animals, most will not be tempted to eat another plant. Therefore, it is wise to dress like a plant! It might even be a good idea to accessorize with some sprigs of real plants and flowers stuck into your clothing and hat. However, wearing camouflage may lead to another equally terrifying yet not often talked about possibility: Being Eaten by Cannibalistic Vegetarian Vegetation. We will deal with this horror at another time.

Finally, and most importantly the best way to avoid being eaten by a carnivorous plant is to carry weed killer, such as big vats of Round-Up or liquid bleach strapped to your back with a pump action spray . When attacked, apply generously to the roots of the plant and then run like hell.

Picture provided by http://www.botany.org/. Copyright © The Botanical Society of America.

Space Invaders: 10 Strategies That Are Sure to Increase Your Odds of Survival During an Alien Invasion

Contrary to popular belief, it will take more than a homemade helmet made of aluminum foil to protect you from a full scale attack of earth by extraterrestrial invaders. Perhaps one of these 10 strategies will help you survive the assault.

1. Build a deep subterranean refuge. Keep it fully stocked with food, fresh water, and medicine, enough to last for several years. After the aliens have enslaved the entire human population and stripped the planet of all its natural resources, they are likely to move on to another planet. By waiting them out, you can then return to the surface of the earth when they eventually leave. The disadvantage to this strategy is that the earth will be an empty, barren wasteland devoid of water and life when you return to the surface.

2. Evacuate to another planet. Our solar system is a pretty big place (approximately 18,000,000,000,000 miles squared) , so there are plenty of hiding places. Try the asteroid belt, it has plenty of nooks and crannies to hide in.

3. Try to blend in with the aliens. If we are attacked by biped, humanoid type creatures, or by an alien species that you can easily sew a costume to look like, then attempt to mingle within their population. Perhaps they will not see through your disguise and leave you alone.

4. Choose the lesser of two evils. Attempt to make contact with a bigger, stronger, smarter and more aggressive alien species than the ones invading earth. Try to convince them to protect our planet in exchange for something less awful the total inhalation of our planet… whatever that might be.

5. Attempt to communicate and then negotiate a peace treaty with the aliens before they attack. It is a good idea to have someone else try this for you, as it typically leads to the death of the person attempting to make contact.

6. Pretend to be another species of animal other than human. Aliens rarely seem interested in enslaving or devouring other animals that we share our planet with. Disguise yourself as a giraffe, a llama or an emus.

7. Have some potent virus at your disposal, either the computer variety or the biological kind. These seem work at foiling the plans of alien conquerors in the movies.

8. Surrender immediately. Use this strategy if you are reasonably certain that they have invaded not so actually eat us, but to merely enslave us. If you are one of the first humans to surrender, you might be lucky enough to get some of the easier slave jobs.

9. Attempt to discover the alien’s weakness or “Achilles Heal”. When you discover what that is, inform the aliens that you will trade a promise not to share this with the earth’s governments for assurance that you will not be vaporized by their laser weapons.

10. Move very far from the United States as possible. I recommend the North or South Poles, or a deserted island in the South Pacific. Alien invaders seem to favor starting the invasion of Earth in the United States, so by the time they make it to the more remote regions of our planet; they may have either been defeated or have lost interest in the invasion.

Although none of these strategies are perfect, perhaps by utilizing one of them or several in combination will increase your chances of survival during the assault on our planet. Good luck – I will see you in the asteroid belt!