10 Ideas That Will Help You Avoid Being Attacked by the Reanimated Corpse of a Recently Deceased Loved One (And how to survive if you are!)

1. In that it is good advice to never go to bed angry with a loved one, never let anyone you love die when they are still holding a grudge against you. No good can ever come if someone you love passes away angry at you.

2. Place defensive charms and spells all about your body that repeal the undead.

3. Place defensive charms and spells all about your loved one's body that repeals the undead. A particularly good time to do this is before they are buried: stuff their casket with as much garlic, silver, and crucifixes as it will hold.

4. Always carry a sharp scythe or an ax with you at all times to easily decapitate the reanimated corpse to stop its attack.

5. If possible, insist that everyone you know be cremated when they pass away. If cremation is not in accord with their religious beliefs, simply insist that the undertaker remove their arms, legs and head before burial.

6. Surround your home with a moat of flaming liquid lava. Although not the most pleasing choice in landscaping, the practicality of it will overcome the esthetic deficiencies.

7. Ask all of your family and friends to try to avoid being reanimated as vengeful zombies after they pass away. Encourage them to avoid any dealings voodoo witch doctors and evil scientists.

8. Create a safe room hidden somewhere in your house that is impervious to attack and wait out the attack. Stock it with enough food, fresh water and supplies to last you the amount of time it takes for a human body to decompose in your particular climate. (You will need more supplies in the cold north where bodies do not decompose as quickly, fewer supplies in the humid areas of the south for example.) Do not give your secure codes out to your loved ones, as they might remember those codes when they are reanimated and attack you.

9. Where ever you go, plan an escape route that will lead you to safety in the event you are attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones. Plan for this event every time you go somewhere new, such as hotels, cemeteries, and the laboratories hidden in basements of haunted castles.

10. Try to be nice. Nice people are rarely attacked by the reanimated corpses of a recently deceased loved ones.

10 Household Items That Will Be Totally Useless after 2012

It has been predicted that the civilization will collapse on December 21, 2012 by Mayan Astronomers, Chinese Mystics, and Nostradamus. In preparation, I have been inventorying my personal belongings in an attempt to determine which ones will be the most helpful in my quest for survival after this impending catastrophe.

I am gauging my favorite household items for those that will work as versatile gadgets, weapons, or farming tools that will ensure my survival when the world ends. They also need to be lightweight, because I don’t want to be carrying a lot around at the end of the world.

Although I have not settled on the best items I will need to survive, I have determined 10 of my favorite household items to be totally useless in my quest to survive this inevitable destruction of planet Earth.

1. My Corn on the Cob Holders: Though they are wildly effective in protecting my fingers from the steaming hot ends of the cob of sweet corn that I am holding while I sink my teeth into the buttery deliciousness of those golden kernels, they will serve little purpose at the end of time.

2. My Ironing Board: I do not plan on greeting the collapse of civilization finely pressed, so this household item will not be useful for any reason except perhaps pinching my fingers when I close it as I always seem to do when I fold it down to store it in the laundry room. The metal is so flimsy it would not even be worth trading it for scrap to the local tin smith for food much less as using it as a weird sort of weapon or shield.

3. My Coffee Bean Grinder: I love my coffee bean grinder. Its happy hum signals a satisfying near future filled with a mug of hot java. However, at the end of time, I doubt we will still have electricity much less an endless supply of coffee beans, so I will have to survive the collapse of civilization with a caffeine deprivation headache.

4. My Emory Boards: My nails will not be well manicured as I scratch out my survival among the ruins of burned out cities and the charred and barren landscape.

5. My Thigh Master: This device was crucial to the development of my toned and firm thighs, however, I cannot think of one way I could use the Thigh Master as a weapon or a tool to survive.

6. My Cocktail Shaker: I love my cocktail shaker. I really, really do. Alas, the finely shaken martini will be a thing of the past after the apocalypse is upon us. Although my cocktail shaker is finely crafted from brushed nickel with highly polished round accents, it would serve little use for anything other than the portage of water, for which there are other household items that would be better suited for this purpose. Alas, I will need to go on without you my cocktail shaker, my good and dear friend.

7. My Swifter. Nothing else in the world picks up dust as neatly and effectively as the Swifter. My floors as well as all my wood and glass surfaces genuinely gleam with the static cling effectiveness of the Swifter. However, as wonderful as my Swifter is, dusting will be last on my impending bucket list. As a weapon or a gardening tool, it is too flimsy to be of much help in that department. The Swifter will be left behind.

8. Colander: I have no idea what else people use a colander for that to drain the water from boiled pasta. So, unless the apocalypse is caused by Italians, this item will not likely be useful in any way to my quest for survival.

9. My VCR Tape Rewinder: OK, so this is an item that is already totally irrelevant.

10. My Deviled Egg Holder: Mayonnaise and Eggs, two great tastes that taste great together. This is a devilishly good concept in culinary wizardry that deserves to have its own porcelain alter in which to serve these decadent treats. Unfortunately, the odds of my serving up deviled eggs after the collapse of civilization is slim, so the deviled egg holder will remain unpacked.