Showing posts with label devil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label devil. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

How to Tell if Your Newborn is the Spawn of Satan



1. You spawned with Satan, and then nine months later had a baby.

2. Your baby manages to break all of the 10 Commandments while still in the playpen.

3. The paternity test named Satan as the father (as you feared), rather than your second cousin Bobby (as you hoped).

4. Your newborn has a chilling birthmark in the shape of a pentagram, “666”, or Dora the Explorer somewhere on his little body.

5. While teething, your baby swears like a sailor using a deep, resonating adult voice.

6. Your child will only wear the black diapers with the words “Hell’s Littlest Angel” stitched in red on the butt.

7. Your baby gets a picture of the Devil with the words “I love my Daddy” tattooed on his arm.

8. Your infant prefers to watch movies such as “Saw IV” and “Halloween” over “Bob the Builder” and “The Bear in the Big Blue House.”

9. The baptism of your child goes terribly awry, with the screaming, writhing, and knocking over the Baptismal Fonts that occurs when pure evil comes in contact with Holy Water.

10. Your baby is born with cloven hooves, a tail and two cute little goat horns.

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Monday, May 4, 2009

8 Easy and Practical Steps to Avoid Demon Possession

I get asked all the time by everyday folks about the best ways to avoid being possessed by the devil. In order to more effectively help people just like you, I have come up with eight easy and practical steps to avoid having your soul possessed by demons. These steps, if followed correctly, will not only allow you go through your day completely free of fear from demonic possession, but help you live a happier, more fulfilled life.

1. Do not enter any business contracts with the devil. Selling your soul to the devil is a surefire path to demonic possession. In this market, once your soul is owned by the devil, he can reclaim it, renovate it, and put on the infernal market where it is likely to be snatched up and inhabited very quickly by any interested demon. Rule of thumb: It is never a good idea to sign a contract given to you by a demon. Entering into a business relationship of any kind with the devil rarely leads to anything profitable

2. Do not convert to a religion or cult that considered by most as innately “evil”. Converting to a cult or a religion deemed “evil” will certainly open your soul to demonic possession. Be on the alert! “Conversion” to an evil religion can come in hidden and often convoluted forms. “Baptism into Satanism” is the most obvious, but also avoid such things as “Taking the Bar Exam”, “Employment with the IRS”, “Watching Reality TV”, “Going to the DMV” as well. All lead to weakened morals and therefore a soul ripe for demonic possession.

3. Wear a lot of religious themed jewelry. This is not a case where less is more. I recommend wearing as many Christian symbols as possible, such as crosses, crucifixes, rosaries, religious medals, images of Christ, of the saints, vials of holy water and religious icons. Feel free to wear them as necklaces, earrings, rings, bracelets, even belt buckles. Load yourself up! Adorn yourself with these symbols generously! For additional protection, it would also be a great idea to decorate your house using the same symbols. Further, I recommend having these items blessed by an appropriate member of the clergy. (Personally, I prefer Roman Catholic clergy when blessing items to protect against demonic possession; however Greek Orthodox or Episcopal clergy are also very effective. I have found items blessed by Presbyterian clergy are the least effectual for some reason. However, having and item blessed is better than one not blessed at all.)

4. Do not play games with your soul. It is wise to avoid entering any contests or making any wagers with the devil, especially ones where the prize is control over your soul. And for heaven’s sake, do not enter into any musical contests, like a fiddle contest like the one that was held when the devil went down to Georgia. The odds are super-naturally stacked against you and you are likely to lose the contest and your soul.

5. Do not enter any Gateways into Hell. (This includes not only Hell, but gateways into any demonic dimensions or evil alternate realities.) Often, the very act of passing through a Gateway into Hell, no matter how innocent, can lead to demonic possession. Furthermore, it is wise to not enter, but not to even open any gateway to in the first place. Personally, I don’t even knock on, or ring the bell of, or wipe your feet on the welcome mat in front the Gateway of Hell. Walk quickly past the gateway, and don’t even turn your head to look at it. It’s for the best, really.

6. Avoid becoming a “Bride of Satan”. This step is self explanatory. Any spouse of a demon is likely to be completely and totally possessed by that demon. Demons tend to be jealous, controlling, and needy lovers and it does not become any better when you finally agree to marry them. As tempting as the dream wedding may seem, it really is not worth it, even with a strong prenuptial agreement. Total corruption of your immortal soul after marriage in inevitable.

7. Do not allow yourself to be sacrificed in any ritual to any demon at any time. Voluntarily participating as a ritualistic sacrifice to a demon is a bad idea. Not only do you agree to a brutally painful and savage end your possibly cheerless and miserable life, but it pretty much guarantees your soul being trapped in the fires of hell for all eternity.

8. In general avoid opening your soul to demonic entities by behavior considered “bad”. I call this the “Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll” step. The likeliness of demonic possession decreases exponentially if you remove all sex, drugs and rock music from your life. Statically, studies have shown that sober, classically trained virgin musicians are the least likely candidates for demonic possession.

As you can see, you do not need to be a religious fanatic or a paranoid delusional zombie in order to successfully avoid demonic possession. These steps are not only easy, but many are downright fun! With some good old fashioned common sense and these eight easy steps, you can dramatically lower your chances of suffering from this terrible fate.