How to Tell if Your Newborn is the Spawn of Satan

1. You spawned with Satan, and then nine months later had a baby.

2. Your baby manages to break all of the 10 Commandments while still in the playpen.

3. The paternity test named Satan as the father (as you feared), rather than your second cousin Bobby (as you hoped).

4. Your newborn has a chilling birthmark in the shape of a pentagram, “666”, or Dora the Explorer somewhere on his little body.

5. While teething, your baby swears like a sailor using a deep, resonating adult voice.

6. Your child will only wear the black diapers with the words “Hell’s Littlest Angel” stitched in red on the butt.

7. Your baby gets a picture of the Devil with the words “I love my Daddy” tattooed on his arm.

8. Your infant prefers to watch movies such as “Saw IV” and “Halloween” over “Bob the Builder” and “The Bear in the Big Blue House.”

9. The baptism of your child goes terribly awry, with the screaming, writhing, and knocking over the Baptismal Fonts that occurs when pure evil comes in contact with Holy Water.

10. Your baby is born with cloven hooves, a tail and two cute little goat horns.

Calvin’s Potty Training Tips for Parents

Is your baby old enough to ditch the diaper and start using the toilet? Potty training your child can seem like an arduous process, but it doesn’t have to be completely traumatic for either of you! Even though I am not a parent, I am great with kids! Here are five helpful hints I created so both of you survive the potty training period. Each child is different, so use one by one or as a whole package. Good luck!

1. Offer your child money to use the potty. Everyone knows babies are greedy. Bribery is an effective tool to motivate toddlers, and nothing motivates more than cold hard cash! Depending on your child’s level of greed, you can probably get away with offering just $20 each time they use the potty.

2. Potty train in stages. Some kids just are not as smart as others, so perhaps in this case it is good to transition them into using the potty. A great midway point between diaper and potty is a littler box. Have your toddler use the cat’s litter box until you think they are ready to try a potty. If your cat is unhappy with this new situation, don’t worry: it’s also a great lesson for your child on how to share with others.

3. Make your child fear their diapers. Fear is a powerful motivator in all people, especially small children. Start referring to the diaper as “that white and absorbent scary monster that is sure to devour you” and “the baby eating creature that attaches to your bum”. It helps if you draw scary faces on the diapers and then run around the house screaming like you are terrified of it. Do this for a few weeks and your child is certain to start using the potty!

4. Replace the diapers your child wears with a strap on portable potty chair. Children are forgetful, and often they just forget that the potty is an option or they forget where the potty is located. Eliminate this problem by attaching the potty right to their person by attaching it with a belt or duct tape. This way, they have no option but to start using the potty. Latter, you can transition them the regular, less mobile toilet.

5. Make potty training a game. Toddlers love games! Unfortunately, toddlers are not very good at games. They have not yet developed eye hand coordination and have no ability to grasp abstract ideas. If you make potty training a game, it will have to be a really easy game without much in the way of rules or a challenge. Perhaps just make it a competition with another child, such as “lets see if you can be potty trained before little Sally down the street.”

10 Super Duper Fun Activities to Do With Small Children on Rainy Days

Rainy days can be fun with these indoor activities for your school-aged child. These games and activities are perfect rainy-day distractions. Use these ideas and the kids may actually start wishing for more rainy days!

1. Crime Scene Investigations: Let the kids get really imaginative and come up with and plan a perfect crime. They might want to create the perfect crime individually, or, they might want to get together and plan the crime together. Have them write out the overall scope of the crime and the supplies they will need to commit the crime without getting caught. Who knows, they might never realize what a learning experience they are having, all in the name of having fun.

2. Revelations: Have the children create survival plans for the family for probable apocalyptic scenarios that threaten to destroy the world. Then let them play the roles of the folks who will help you survive the total collapse of society. Let them dress up in whatever you may have on hand and pretend to be the government officials, nurses, policemen or firemen. Let their imaginations save them and the whole family from the destruction of the world.

3. Mission Impossible. Give your child a bar of soap and a pack of matches. The first child to successfully light a match using only the bar of soap gets to have dinner. Only you need to know that this is an impossible task, but they are sure to be occupied for hours!

4. Have the kids create a brand new language and then have them translate their entire library of children’s books into this new language from English.

5. Bug Scavenger Hunt. The child that finds the most species of insects found within the home wins. Assign a point value to the obscurity of the species found, how poisonous the insect is or the number of legs or tentacles each bug has. Make sure they free the insects once all the points have been tallied!

6. Bangladeshi Factory Game. Pull out that old sewing machine, and see who can make the most gloves within 10 hours. To make the experience really realistic, provide only a thin rice soup for lunch and have them take a nap on a small mat on the floor. To really inspire the kid’s creativity, tell them that the child who makes the most gloves gets to be the factory manager the next time it rains!

7. Oedipus Complex: let the children create a chorus of stuffed animals dressed in masks and togas they have created, and then have them re-enact your favorite Greek Tragedy. Use the plays of Sophocles, Aeschylus, or Phrynichus in the original ancient Greek.

8. Give them a piece of Pi. Have the children calculate Pi (the ratio of any circle's circumference to its diameter) to the furthest integer. The child that gets the longest number while the rain falls… wins!

9. Cowboys & Indians: Let the kids gather blankets, sheets, pillows, couch cushions and whatever they think makes the perfect tent. Have them make slot machines and roulette tables out of cardboard boxes and crayons to put inside the tents. Provide cowboy hats for the whole family and invite them in the tents to gamble and eat a delicious buffet inside.

10. Murder She Wrote: This is more exciting if you can get Grandma to join in on the fun! Recreate your favorite crime scene using household products and Grandma playing the role of “The Victim”. Plant clues as to who committed the murder, and have the children solve the crime, CSI style.