How to Avoid Getting Ill during the Swine Flu Pandemic

Although these tips may seem like commons sense, these simple guidelines may protect you from contracting Influenza 'A' Virus (H1N1) known as the “Swine Flu”.

1. Do not share a drinking glass or eating utensils with any pigs, especially if that pig seems to have the sniffles.

2. In order to build up resistance to swine flu, eat lots of pork products! Large portions of bacon, pork chops, chitlins, pork rinds, and ham should be consumed each meal. Pickled pork feet, pig knuckles and chitterlings make great snacks between meals. Every little bit helps! Sprinkle bacon bits on your ice cream. The good news is that you will build up your immune system; the bad news is you may drop dead from a heart attack.

3. Make sure you wash your hands and apply anti-bacterial lotion after you man handle any Mexicans.

4. If you seal yourself in a germ free plastic bubble, make sure that there is no-one who has recently traveled to Mexico sealed in with you.

5. Avoid all pigs, even the famous pigs that may seem harmless, such as Miss Piggy, Porky & Petunia Pig, Babe, Piglet, Pumbaa, Arnold from Green Acres, Wilber, Hamm from Toy Story, and Noelle. (Noelle was Suzanne Sugarbaker’s pig.) You never know what type of diseases they may be carrying.

Good luck and stay healthy!!

Calvin’s Note of Abject Porcine Paranoia: Although this new sickness derives from the swine influenza virus, the new strain has been found only in people. Oddly, no pigs have been confirmed to be sick with it. Could this be the part of a pig master plan to rise up in rebellion to overthrow our human domination using this new and terrifying biological warfare technique? Are pigs making us sick in order to become the new master species? Will we one day, find ourselves to be penned up, fattened up and butchered to be made into human sausage patties and pickled people feet for our new porcine masters’ gastronomical pleasures?