6 Common Mistakes Native Jungle Cannibals Make and How You Can Avoid Them

Human flesh provides the much needed protein and salt to native jungle tribes that they lack that in their typical jungle diet. Unfortunately, human flesh can also be the most difficult item on the menu to procure, as lost jungle explorers come across your neck of the jungle rarely, and attacks on other native jungle tribes can result in heavy casualties and loss of life.

Therefore, as precious as human victims are, it is very important to take care of your human flesh that you do manage to obtain. Here are six ways you can avoid ruining your tribe’s cannibalistic feast and create a savvy and sophisticated way of preparing the best meal they have ever had.

Select the very best people to eat. Take great care and only prepare the best cuts of human flesh. The best meat should be firm and fine grained, and only slightly marbled with fat. The fat should be firm and creamy white. Avoid eating people that are too skinny, to muscular or morbidly obese.

Prepare enough human flesh to feed your whole tribe. Boneless meat, whole or ground: Prepare 1/3 pound per member of your tribe, or meat with bone, such as the thigh or ribs, prepare ½ pound per person. If you have one or more potential sumo wrestlers or football players in your tribe, you may need to prepare more!

Properly prepare and store your meat. Always prepare human flesh at room temperature, as this will be sure to seal in the natural juices and flavor. Fresh meat is always the best, so never leave it out in the jungle overnight unwrapped. Charcoal fires should be started well in advance of grilling the human and allowed to burn down until the coals are gray all over. Rainforest hardwood charcoal briquettes give the best results.

Do not over or undercook your human flesh. Most native jungle tribes prefer to cook people on a rotisserie style over an open fire outside. If this is a case, make sure you use a meat thermometer, particularly if the temperature varies with wind and weather. Also consider cooking your human flesh as a delicious stew. Remember, stews should never be allowed to boil. Cook your victim just at the simmering point, or barely bubbling for maximum flavor.

Carefully carve and then serve your meat. Ribs are often the hardest part of a person to carve and serve. The cut side should be up and the ribs should be on the carver’s left. Insert a carving fork deep into he flesh between the two ribs. Cut horizontally to the rib bone. With the tip of the knife, cut along the length of the rib bone, freeing slices of meat from bone.

A good cannibalistic meal can be made even better simply by providing a grand presentation. Often one extra pinch of spice, a dash of pepper or nutmeg and a drop of lemon can make your human flesh perfect. Sauces are often a simple way to add zip to your meal, so consider serving your victim with a robust cream sauce. Finally, add a simple yet elegant garnish as the closing touch to your delicious meal.

Bon Appetite!