Five Questions You Should Ask Before You Pick Up That Hitchhiker:

Even though it is often thrilling, the decision to pick up a hitchhiker carries with it a certain amount of risk. Not every person may be willing to pick up a hitchhiker as it is essentially a personal decision, and one that may not be wise for some individuals to practice. After all, inviting a stranger into your car on a dark and rainy night on a deserted stretch of highway requires a level of trust that, in extreme circumstances, might be taken advantage of.

The following questions are for the drivers. If the time does come, though, and you want to have a little fun by picking up a complete stranger and offer them a ride, please consider asking the hitchhiker these 5 questions to ensure a safe ride for the both of you.

1. Are you alive? This might seem at first like a strange question, but all too often, we hear about a friend of friend who offered someone a ride, usually to a cemetery, only to have them disappear near a gravestone that is carved with the name that they gave you. Why? Because they were not alive, you gave a ride to a ghost to their final resting place. Don’t waste your time giving rides to lazy spirits. Ask your hitchhiker if they are alive before they get in the car. If they are dead, tell them to just shuttle back to the afterlife on their own dime.

2. Are you human? It is vitally important to know if your passenger is even of the same species that you are. Often, the lonely stretch of highway is the hunting ground for some dangerous predators looking for their next meal. If they are not human, avoid giving rides to giant insects, werewolves, or carnivorous aliens. My personal policy, though it may seem unnecessarily draconian, is to only give rides to members of my species.

3. Are you a serial murderer, or do you suffer from any violent pathological tendencies that make you dangerous to me in any way? This is an easy way to screen out the most dangerous hitchhikers on the road. The only drawback is occasionally you will run into a pathological liar, and it will be impossible to tell if they are being honest with you. In those cases I recommend that you carry a portable metal detector and try to screen out any weapons they might want to bring into the car, such as axes, ice hooks, and meat cleavers. If you find them, make sure they place them safely in the trunk.

4. Would you submit to a drug screening such as a urinalysis or a sweat test? Illegal drugs have no place in the world of the safe driver. In the passenger seat, drugs can even turn a gentle hitchhiker into a dangerous sexual pervert. I advise that you carry with you drug screening tests of some type and ask your hitchhiker to submit to the test. Although it takes days, make sure you wait for the results, even if it means that you sacrifice the spontaneity of picking up a hitchhiker.

5. What kind of music do you like? The most important question of them all: There is nothing worse than picking up a hitchhiker, only to find out you have vastly different tastes in music. The odds are that you will both end up fighting over the radio. Do yourself a favor and only pick up those hitchhikers who enjoy listening to your favorite CD’s and radio stations.