Exit Stage Left: 10 Awesome Exit Strategies Out of a Bad Date

Let’s face it, we have all gone on a date that was a ripe delicious fruit of possibility when it started, but ended up being a rotten, smelly, stinky egg in the end. In the whacky world of romance, the occasional really bad date will happen. Although an occasional bad date is inevitable, it is nothing to fear. The key is to leave your date politely and quickly with an effective exit strategy. You can mitigate the loss of precious time and energy by ending the date swiftly with these 10 helpful and easy exit strategies that I have developed for you.

* Remember, it’s important to ALWAYS carry protection with you when you go out on dates! Print this list out and keep it in your pocket. You never know when you might need to refer to it.

1. Lock your date in a utility closet and walk away. If the closet does not have a lock, then wedge a chair underneath the door handle.

2. Fake being struck by lightning as soon as you get outside. If getting outside is impossible, fake being electrocuted using a lamp or any available outlet.

3. Claim to be suddenly struck with amnesia. Keep asking them “Who are you?” and “Why do you keep following me?”

4. Lose control of basic body functions. Drool or show signs of uncontrollable urination.

5. Claim to suddenly realize that you are gay. If you are on a same sex date, then claim to suddenly realize that you are straight.

6. Introduce your date to an invisible friend. Invite the invisible friend into the conversation, and buy your invisible friend a drink. In a few minutes, claim that your invisible friend is not feeling well and that you need to take your invisible friend home, then leave.

7. Excuse yourself, explain that you need to run an errand and then do not return.

8. Keep looking at your watch anxiously and repeatedly ask the same questions over and over. “What is today’s date?” “Do you know what phase the moon is in?” “Is it nearly midnight?” “How do you feel about body hair?” After you ask these questions, follow up with a loud, piercing, wolf-like howl.

9. Claim to be homeless. Once outside, make yourself comfortable on the sidewalk and ask “Do you want to spend the night?”

10. If all else fails, the moment your date turns their back to you, run and hide.