The Man's Guide to the Urinal

When I read this on Amy Opps’ Blog – I instantly wished it was something that I had written! Take a gander:

1. No Food or Drink
I understand that in some situations, you have little choice but to take a beverage or food item with you, but do you understand the germs that are floating around by the urinal? We are talking about men's pee mist, and fart gasses. It isn't a very hospitable environment for anything you plan to ingest.

2. You Must Flush
There is a common dilemma that men don't want to flush the urinal, because men don't want to touch a handle that his been touched by others right after holding their junk. That's understandable, it's like giving someone's bits a firm handshake. But, what is worse than that? Combining your pee with someone else's. This combo creates a very unpleasant odor. You also need to flush to clear any spit, pubic hair, band aids, etc. that may be in the urinal after use. And finally, you may enjoy the smell of stagnant pee, but most others do not.

3. Don't Talk
Never, ever talk. I don't care if your best friend is next to you. Shut up, focus on the task at hand, exit the bathroom, and resume conversation.

4. Don't Stand Too Far Away
Get in close, and use your hands, and the urinal sides as a view blocker. No one wants to see your junk, nor do they want to see urine streaming from it. Snuggle on in, but not so close that your pants touch the urinal, that is gross. It takes time to find the proper distance, but it is worth the effort.

5. Don't Take Your Sweet Time
Don't stand there for 20 minutes enjoying the experience. The urinal is a tool, meant to capture your urine, not meant for enjoyment. This is especially important when there are others waiting.

6. Control Your Shakes
It is important to shake well after urinating, to avoid dripage in your underwear. Unfortunately, there are those that shake wildly with no concern for where the droplets may fall. Pee all over the rim, on the floor or on those peeing next to you is a no-no, and may get you beaten up.

7. Leave a Buffer
If you can, you should always leave a buffer of at least one urinal, though more than one is preferred. One of the biggest urinal taboos is occupying the urinal next to someone, when there were plenty of open urinals to choose from. This taboo leads to a very uncomfortable few seconds, where the tension can literally be cut with a knife. I'm not your buddy, get away from me.

8. Look Straight Ahead
The last thing you want is to have someone think you are trying to scope out their unit. Think about sports, count the tiles on the wall in front of you, do whatever you have to do, to keep your eyes from wandering.

9. Avoid Eye Contact
At all costs avoid eye contact while approaching, standing at, or leaving the urinal. There is no need for eye contact, and no good can come from it. Eye contact will lead to misunderstanding, and consequently either a fight, or an uncomfortabtle romantic encounter.

10. Ignore Farts
Everyone farts at the urinal, some intentionally, some not. Do not, for any reason acknowledge that you, or anyone else has farted. Looking around only implies shame in the action. There is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, farts can be a great source of pride.

11. No Sounds
Aside from the previously mentioned sound, make no others. This includes moaning, groaning, grunts, whistles, sounds of pleasure or satisfaction, etc. Shut up and finish your business.

12. No Phones
This includes bluetooth. Using bluetooth at the urinal is a violation of the third rule. Using a hand held phone lets everyone know that there are wiener germs on your phone. That's gross.

13. Wait Patiently
When waiting for a urinal to open, you can always make a trip to the stall. This is discourage however, because it occupies a stall that otherwise may be needed for a real number 2 emergency. It is best to busy yourself by combing your hair, checking yourself in the mirror, or waiting patiently at a safe distance. It is not ok to ask if someone is already done, or to try and peek into the urinal to check for activity. If you suspect someone is a lingerer, it is not ok to interfere. Let them finish in their own time, even if it is a clear violation of rule number five.

If you don't want to appear to be waiting for a buffer, you can always use the delay tactics of picking your nose, butt or ear, scratching your butt, armpit or crotch.

14. A Numbers Game
If there is only one urinal, you are in luck.

If there are two, use only if both are empty. If one is occupied, you don't want to violate the seventh rule. Wait patiently, and only break the seventh rule in an emergency.

If there are three urinals, never, ever take the middle urinal, making the other two urinals unusable by others. It is just rude. If all three are empty, choose the urinal closes to the wall, as the wall gives you a great buffer to one side.

If there are four urinals, you are free to choose one on the edge, or in the middle, as this does not effect the availability of a urinal with a buffer zone. It is still suggested however, to pick the one closest to the wall, so you can allow someone a two urinal buffer if they choose.

When there are five urinals, never, ever use the 2nd or 4th urinal. Using these urinals limits the urinals with buffers down to too, wasting a perfectly good urinal.

When there are six urinals, all empty, proceed to the farthest one. If the farthest is already occupied, go to the other end. If the ends are full, use only every second urinal.

When there are 7+, and one is occupied, do not proceed to the other furthest urinal, instead use the second furthest. To use the furthest could be portrayed as an insult to the personal already peeing. Do they smell bad, are they some sort of freak? This could really hurt someones feelings. Someone could also view you as some sort of weirdo, afraid of being close to another human being. So please be considerate when there are 7 or more urinals.

(Written by Nifty Nick)


While you’re at it – check out Amy Opps Blog – it’s hilarious! I hope you enjoy her humor as much as I do!

www.AmyOops.com